Satirical Semite: Fluid Truth

Facts have become non-binary, and reducing the choice to ‘true’ or ‘false’ is just old-fashioned. It’s a good thing if you are confused as to which news stories are true, because absolute confusion is the new certainty. My friend Jonny 10-vax was suspended from Twitter for sharing misinformation about the COVID-came-from-a-lab theory, before it became clear that it did come from a lab, and the misinformation was just plain old information. Jonny pretended not to care, and drowned his frustration by learning dance routines on TikTok whilst wearing (Kan)Ye’s “Yeezy” sneakers, although he was soon dancing barefoot since his shoes had just been canceled.

Jonny 10-vax lives in a difficult world. It’s a complicated world, not least because he doesn’t really exist. But as someone once said “just because something didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it isn’t true”. He is in good company, along with Hunter Biden’s incriminating laptop, which is also complete fiction, at least according to CBS, MSNBC and CNN’s reporting during 2019.

Last Thursday, Jonny and his fiancée @chelsearodham had just stepped out of his Tesla on a visit to the Kennedy Space Center en route to see a SpaceX rocket launch up close. He received a text saying that his Twitter account had been reinstated. “Praise the Lord!” he cried, although instead of picturing the one true God, he found himself thinking of a boyish-faced South African billionaire. 

“Chelsea! Let’s go to a bar to celebrate,” and before she could respond, he said “Hey Siri, book me a rideshare!” Since his browser was already open on the SpaceX website’s “Rideshare” page (https://www.spacex.com/rideshare/), Siri booked him a rideshare place on the Falcon 9 spacecraft that costs “as low as $275,000.” It was a bit more expensive than an Uber, but he figured that paying for a round-trip rocket journey to the International Space Station would be great for his air miles points. 

He decided to cancel it, but at that moment Chelsea took his hand and pulled him towards the shuttle pickup point. Jonny was lost in thought as to what his first tweet was going to be, and now faced “Trump’s Paradox”; you have been kicked off Twitter, invested in Trump’s Truth Social app, and realize that if you start posting on Twitter then your stock in Truth Social could plummet. He briefly considered opening an account on Mastodon, the ‘safe’ social app favored by many Democrats. In the end, he dropped any moral misgivings and opened the Twitter app. The first returning tweet contained just two words; “Jonny’s back,” accompanied by a selfie from last July 4th wearing his MAGBA hat (“Make America Great (Britain) Again”). 

As winter brings increased chances of flu infections, Jonny has reversed his personal vaccination policy.  He once rushed to get one dose of every available vaccine and booster shots, but more recently got lost in the world of vaccine conspiracy theories, like the Bill Gates microchip theory, the theory that vaccines modify our DNA or RNA using “transhumanism nanotechnology,” the one that young athletes are dropping dead from vaccine-induced myocarditis, and the “infertility” theory. Jonny admitted to being confused, and said to Chelsea that “truth is more fluid than most gender-studies college professors,” at which point she slapped him.

“But seriously, darling, it is unclear. Truths are being overturned every day, and the multi-year claims that ‘Trump colluded with Russia’ turned out to be a Congress-led conspiracy theory once the impeachment failed. We are trapped in a metaphysical pinball machine being bounced between truth and falsehoods.”

Their bus arrived at the LC-39 observation platform to watch the liftoff, and Jonny got ready to take a selfie with his fiancee. His phone buzzed “your rideshare has arrived. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is now at the launchpad. Estimated rideshare fee: $430,000 (could change in the event of a meteor storm)”. He ignored the notification and took the photo with the spaceship in the background. “At least we know that Musk’s rocket is real,” he said. “Unlike the moon landing”.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer and Jewish educator. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed