July 2, 2020

When I was a kid, my friend Ronnie Rosenberg commonly said to me, “Does your face hurt? Because it’s killing me!” Never has that childish taunt felt more true than this week.

To recap:

Monday – I was stung in the right side of my face by a bee, which is still swollen and gave me a splitting headache that lingers. Tylenol.

Wednesday – I was whacked on the nose by a hard plastic crate at the hands of Natalia, bloodying my face, and giving me a splitting headache that lingers. More Tylenol.

End of recap.

Now…Backstory: In April I wanted a haircut, and tried to order clippers through Amazon, but every set I ordered wasn’t gonna be delivered until July. So while I waited for July, I borrowed a pair from my friend and neighbor David Kasirer, sanitized them, and Adi did a great job shearing me like a sheep.

Then a week ago my clippers from China finally arrived, a week early actually. That leads us to…

Last night – ready to use those clippers. I sit on the bathroom floor on a towel. Adi has watched another YouTube video and feels prepped to shear me again. She turns on the clippers, applies it to my hair and OHMYGODMYHEADMYHEADMYHEAD!!!

No joke, it felt like she was trying to scalp me. My entire head of hair was getting pulled into this device like the wood-chipper in Fargo. If I had ever gifted her a blanket full of Smallpox, this would be my just reward. During my howls she finally got this kill-bot device to stop, and I whelped, DID IT AT LEAST CUT MY HAIR? To which she said, NOPE. A few strands came off but my pain was all for naught. 

Not sure why, but for some reason I wanted to prove the definition of insanity, and asked that she try a second time, with a different length clipper, expecting a different result, because clearly that was the problem, right? Nope! This time it pulled so hard it felt like my eyes were being pulled back with them. I felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of Total Recall except instead of dying on Mars it was my bathroom tile floor. 

Adi laughed and told me, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BUYING CHEAP SHIT FROM CHINA. I said OKAY YOU DO BETTER, and 2 minutes later she had ordered a pair for 10 dollars more with 900 great reviews that arrive tomorrow.

The moral of the story is, buy stock in Tylenol this week.

Boaz Hepner grew up in LA in Pico/Robertson and now lives here with his wife and baby girl. Thus, the neighborhood is very important to him. He helped clean up the area by adding the dozens of trash cans that can still be seen from Roxbury to La Cienega. When he is not working as Registered Nurse in Santa Monica, he can be found with his wife and daughter enjoying his passions: his multitude of friends, movies, poker and traveling.     

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