Ripple Effect: Losing it

The name of this blog was going to be “Conscious Loving” because I saw this amazing article this week that was all about just that.

“Conscious Loving” was the theme of my classes last week.

That was my intention of the week to “Consciously love”.

But to be completely honest and transparent, what I did this week was very far from conscious loving.

I was losing it all week.

The things I did with grace the week before were lost last week.

Working out and exercise went out the window.

I was so far from conscious loving this week.

I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have an amazing job that I love.

We received a grant that will keep us above water. We have incredible supporters who are helping us pivot in this new reality.

I am optimistic regarding the payroll loan, because my bank has been wonderful.

In addition, I have a terrific team. The other day I was on the phone with one of them who was sharing that she is having a hard time. She was crying as she told me how this crazy lock down highlights everything you don’t have or didn’t do, and, because you can’t escape to the things that bring you joy, you are stuck with these big emotions.

“I have so much sadness,” she tells me, “and oh so many feelings.”

I hold her words in my heart. It felt good to hear out loud what I was feeling inside, and I said to her, “I sometimes feel like I am standing next to myself, working and functioning, but next to who I am trying to be.”

And she said to me, “Yup, that’s how I feel.”

“My theory is,” I tell her, “being in one house day in and day out can make you momentarily hate the people you love. So, you must choose conscious loving.”

She agrees, but little does she know that I have been losing it all week.

We shared our weaknesses. We shared our feelings, it was good.

We didn’t get a lot done on that Zoom call.

But we did consciously love each other.
So, maybe, just maybe, I am not losing it all the time.

She apologized for not finishing something she was supposed to do. I told her it’s fine. We just need to choose to consciously love, as we lose it.

We shared a good laugh.

In my class I ask my students who makes them smile.
They share the most heartwarming stories.

One student says, “Honestly, Ms., no one.”

I use him as the example.

“Come on, Dude. Find something or someone positive and choose that.”

“I got no one,” he tells me.

“That cannot be true,” I say. “It can be as random as someone who smiled at you in the store.”

He then shares that last year at the Homeboy Thanksgiving dinner for the first time he felt what family feels like.

For the first time in his life he felt accepted.

He felt loved and not like a fuckup. The people at Homeboy make him smile.

“How did that feel?” I ask him.

“Awesome!” he says. “Well, conscious loving, Baby,” I tell him.

“Choose to think about that and not the people who do not make you happy.” He nods his head and agrees to try.

My fierce students never cease to amaze me.

I think about the fight I had with one of my daughters last night or how I have NOT been getting along with my husband. I really need to follow my own advice more, because I was very far from choosing love. I was more in the direction of rage and it was not pretty.

I have been working with the most brilliant life coach for the past few years. This woman is beyond extraordinary. She is deep, wise, well read, and has helped me become a better me, although I don’t feel that so much right now.

She wrote in her newsletter, “There’s Gold in the Uncertainty.”

I have been thinking how hard the gold diggers had to look for the gold in the Gold Rush.

I remember when my kids were little, and still loved me A LOT, I took them to a simulation of searching for gold at some farm somewhere.

They came out, filthy, soaking wet but with some fake gold and serious smiles.

“Mommy, Mommy, I am rushing with gold,” the one who now pushes every button I have said smiling with a twinkle in her eye. She looked so sweet and charming that the fact that she was covered in mud from head to toe didn’t matter.

Perhaps it’s okay to be on the path of losing it while on the road to finding the gold in uncertainty that leads us to the house of conscious loving.

We will have some weeks that we do not exercise.

We will fight with everyone and hate more and love less.

We will be next to ourselves and not totally ourselves.

“You know, Miss,” (That is how she spelled it when one of my students texted me.)

“I never liked texting, but now I do it all the time.

I was losing my shit, but now I am trying to love.”

“That’s great,” I text back.

In an epic texting exchange, she wrote to me,

“When I was locked up, feelings were contagious. When someone was losing it, everyone lost it.  When someone was happy, others followed.

Maybe what we need instead of the conscious loving you talked about is contagious loving. I have been thinking about what that guy said about Thanksgiving, and I’m feeling the love, ya know?

I had a shit ass week last week, and now I am trying to catch me some love. Better than catching Corona. Right, Miss?”

I text back, “That’s really smart. You should try and find the gold in all you do.”

She texts me. “Miss, why gold? I’m looking for diamonds and every time I lose it, I know I am one step closer to the shimmer.”

I cry.

I breathe.

I understand.

I will lose it and then I will find gold.

I will consciously choose love and it will be contagious.

I would love you to join me in the effort.

Stay Safe.

Stay healthy.

Don’t forget to smell the flowers.

Naomi Ackerman is a Mom, activist, writer, performer, and the founder and Executive Director of The Advot (ripple) Project a registered 501(c)3 that uses theatre and the arts to empower youth at risk to live their best life.