Your Letters

A Passion Not Shared

I read the articles about interfaith marriage with a heavyheart (“Married to It” and “Couple Struggles Over Intermarriage,” Dec. 19). Iam not opposed to this, as I am one of the people you describe in the articles.

I was raised in very secular, Reform Jewish home, withlittle or no emphasis on my marrying anyone not Jewish. So, when I met the manI wanted to marry, who was from a Christian home, I thought little of it. Imentioned to him that I wanted to raise my kids as Jews, and since he saw meliving as he did, Christmas trees; bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, andmovies on Friday night, why should he have even worried?

So, when my first child was born, a son, he was circumcisedby the doctor at the hospital. Same thing three years later with my second son.

But then, my older son wanted to have a bar mitzvah, and wewere not members of any religious institution. I panicked, until I found aModern Orthodox rabbi to teach my son and prepare him for his bar mitzvah.

We went to Israel for the bar mitzvah at the Wall, with an18-day tour of the Holy Land. Upon our return, my son decided to follow Jewishlaw, practice kashrut, Shabbat and go to a yeshiva.

I became active in the Jewish community and learned how torun a Jewish home. My husband, darling that he is, adapted and went outside thehome to have his treif.

However, the one thing that these articles cannot tell youis how I feel not being able to share my renewed love of the Jewish faith, myZionism, my passion for the future of a Jewish homeland and a fear of risinganti-Semitism with a partner who does not have the same passion in his head orheart.

Nineteen years later, I have evolved, and this evolution isnot shared by my mate. How I wish I could have known then what I know now. Howmuch easier it would have been to share this love of Judaism with a man whocould recite Hebrew verses. How I would love to watch a program about the joyof Yiddish with someone who could laugh with me and not at me.

These little things seem silly, but when you grow up olderand wiser, you realize that sometimes these things become bigger. Rabbis whotell couples that it will be a challenge have no idea what it is like unlessthey, too, have married a mate of a different faith.

This is a marriage choice that should be made with eyes wideopen, honesty on the table and the realization of the consequences of a changein feelings through spiritual growth.

Name withheld by request

Issue Evaded

I noticed that in your extensive discussion ofintermarriage, you evaded the central issue, namely: whether there exists anyreal conflict-of-values between the intermarrying couple. Often, such conflictis undetected until the couple must deal with the many unforeseen issues thatemerge in the months and years following the wedding.

Religion, including Judaism, is not primarily about ritual,ceremony, holidays, etc. It is primarily about upholding a set of values andfostering the rules that uphold those values.

These values are primarily about rights and duties inimportant relationships between husband and wife, between parents and children,and other relationships involving family, friends and those beyond one’sprivate circle.

Many Americans, both Jewish and non-Jewish, are not awarethat religion is primarily concerned about the rights and obligations set forthin the doctrines of that religion, and such people simply look to the rules andpractices that they believe to prevail in the general society.

The value system behind these general rules and customs hasbeen described by sociologists as American civil religion. So, those whobelieve in the precepts of this value system may be thought of as believers inthe American civil religion.

Many paired-parties contemplating intermarriage are bothactually believers in the American civil religion, and when they get married,it is therefore not an intermarriage at all, regardless of the respectivereligious background of each party.

Sometimes such a marriage is successful, but often there arelatent value differences — value differences not contemplated within the scopeof American civil religion. These differences may surface years later and bringabout divorce.

Of course, this also happens in marriages between people whohave similar religious backgrounds. Modernity has downgraded the importance offormal religious identity in general, and young people today may not even knowjust what the rules and values set forth by their religious traditions reallyare.

Larry Selk, Los Angeles

Witch-Hunt

After 25 years as the Hillel rabbi at three differentcolleges in the Los Angeles area, I can recognize a campus witch-hunt when Isee one.

A Hillel rabbi works with a heterogeneous and oftencontentious community. Rabbi [Chaim] Seidler-Feller at UCLA knows his campusscene. He is the single-most significant advocate of Jewish values on theWestwood campus, well respected by administrators, faculty and students. Heunderstands that the honor and significance of Israel is often challenged, andhe is committed to positive engagement with critical students. That commitmentrequires very special talents.

Rachel Neuwirth came to the UCLA campus and challenged thework of the Hillel rabbi. She is a self-appointed and self-righteous woman, whoseems convinced that only she can save Jewish students from false ideas.

The friends of Neuwirth insist vociferously that Seidler-Fellershould be fired from his Hillel position, because he allegedly expressed greatanger at her intrusion into his conversation with UCLA students. I think thatthe community wants Seidler-Feller to carry on his important representation ofJudaism at UCLA.

My anger is with outside meddlers who hassle the Hillelrabbi. My embarrassment is with Jewish single-issue extremists who want tocrush the UCLA rabbi as a way to silence all alternative Zionist voices.

My dismay comes in response to a small circle of fanaticswho insist that they must be the judge and jury of all Jews with whom theydisagree.

Rabbi Jerrold Goldstein, Former Hillel Director California StateCollege, Northridge; Valley College and Pierce College