YULA/Shalhevet Part 2: On Being a Mensch–ALWAYS

I received two kinds of responses to my op-ed yesterday, where I complimented the heads of school at YULA Boys and Shalhevet High School, Rabbi Aryeh Sufrin and Rabbi David Block, for how they reacted to a grossly inappropriate attempt at Purim humor directed at Shalhevet by some YULA boys and their enablers.

The first kind of response was to thank me for trying to lower the heat and anger in the community. I did that by focusing on the elevated, “very Jewish” reaction from the leaders of YULA and Shalhevet, who are ultimately responsible for what happens under their watch. Sufrin showed contrition; Block reaffirmed menschkeit.

I was moved by Sufrin’s heartfelt apology, where he fessed up that members of his community “have caused pain and anger, at a time when our community should be most unified,” and his “determination to rectify wrongs and to never allow the same situation to repeat itself. We are full of regret and remorse; in the coming days, weeks and months, we will get to the hard work of building character to ensure our behavior is equal to our values.”

I was moved also by how Rabbi Block took the high road, reminding his community that “We’re mensches, ALWAYS,” expressing pride in “who we are – our values, our conversations/dialogue, and especially our LOVE and support of every single student/Jew/person,” and exhorting his community that “we don’t respond to grossness with grossness.”

The positive responses I got were grateful that I focused on two leaders who showed some wisdom in the midst of heated emotions.

The second kind of response I got was that I didn’t express enough outrage and seemed to gloss over the actual offenses. Although I did call the YULA boys’ behavior “highly inappropriate” and wrote that it was “hardly the first instance of such mocking,” that wasn’t enough to capture the genuine anger felt by some members of the Shalhevet community.

To those who feel I didn’t fully capture the communal anger and should have gone further in calling the perpetrators to task, all I can say is, that wasn’t the point of my op-ed. The point was to focus on the leadership of both schools, and specifically, the how, not the what, because if we don’t get the how right, the what has no chance.

That’s why I found it useful to look at how the two heads of school responded, which I considered thoughtful and very Jewish, and which set a good example for all of us. I especially followed Rabbi Block’s advice to not “respond to grossness with grossness.”

It’s not a coincidence that the Jewish Journal has been named “best Jewish paper in the country” for two years running. One reason we’re beloved in the community is that we go easy on feeding anger. Poetry, beauty, philosophy, culture, Torah, storytelling and diversity of thoughtful commentary are just as important as covering community disputes. And when we do cover disputes, we try to do it with sensitivity and without pouring too much oil on the fire. One of our key goals is to elevate the communal conversation. That’s why, a few weeks ago, when I saw several disputes breaking out throughout the community, I wrote, “Five Simple Rules to Prevent Communal Fighting.”

Above and beyond my beliefs, if there’s one thing my kids took from their Shalhevet education, it was to be, as Rabbi Block says, a mensch—ALWAYS.

There is plenty to say about the offenses directed at Shalhevet because they are considered “too liberal” by some members of traditional Orthodoxy. I know all about it: I sat on the board of Shalhevet for years and took a few arrows myself. I even wrote a cover story once praising Open Orthodoxy, so I have longtime empathy for modernizing Orthodoxy. But above and beyond my beliefs, if there’s one thing my kids took from their Shalhevet education, it was to be, as Rabbi Block says, a mensch—ALWAYS.

Of course, it’s easy to be a mensch when we don’t have any axes to grind. It’s when we’re offended and have the truth on our side that it becomes more difficult. How does one stay a mensch when you’re 100 percent right? How does one stay a mensch when you see a deeply offensive Purim video by the YULA boys and their enablers? How does one stay a mensch when you feel that your co-ed Orthodox high school has been constantly undermined by Orthodox Jewish day schools?

It’s easy to be a mensch when we don’t have any axes to grind. It’s when we’re offended and have the truth on our side that it becomes more difficult.

That’s the point—it’s difficult to stay a mensch when we’re offended. Maybe that’s why, when Rabbi Block wrote “Be a mensch—ALWAYS,” he put ALWAYS in all caps. He knows how difficult it is, when we’re caught in the throes of conflict, to keep our menschkeit.

But there’s another benefit to keeping our menschkeit—it helps us see better. When we’re angry and sure of ourselves, we only want to see stuff that confirms what we already know. At that point, something like Rabbi Sufrin’s expression of contrition becomes an inconvenient distraction. Maybe that’s why a few Shalhevet parents told me they “don’t really trust” Sufrin’s apology. Had they taken his extended apology at face value, they would have had to recognize the immense Torah value of contrition. Instead, some were simply angry because he hadn’t fired anyone on the spot yet.

The fact that some readers may be angry about something or another does not mean I should match their anger. In fact, I see my role as the opposite. The more anger I see in the community, the more I feel a responsibility to tone down the heat and introduce a little light.

It doesn’t take courage to be angry; it takes courage to stay a mensch when everyone around you is angry.

We should be encouraged that our two heads of school have taken a thoughtful first step. They seem to understand that when it comes to resolving conflict, it starts with the how as much as anything else.

As I wrote at the beginning of my piece yesterday, it’s in “how we handle” our inevitable stumbles and blunders and conflicts that Judaism really shines. There’s a long road ahead to heal the wounds in our community. The nerves are raw, the anger deep. We should be encouraged that our two heads of school have taken a thoughtful first step, and give them a chance to build on that. They seem to understand that when it comes to resolving conflict, it starts with the how as much as anything else. As I said above which merits repeating, if we don’t get the HOW right, the WHAT has no chance.

When we gather at our Shabbat tables tomorrow night, we will all have a choice: do we allow our passions to get the better of us and express our anger and do leshon harah because we know we’re justified; or do we reflect on the many benefits of remaining, in the most stressful situations, a mensch—ALWAYS.

Which example would we rather show our kids?

Shabbat shalom.