Berry Good

“I buy fruit, and nobody eats it.”
– Larry David’s mother.

My vegetarian-vegan lifestyle had to start somewhere. I guess it was when I was not yet eight and I stepped into the grocery store with my mom; I’d run off and yell, “Hey, Mom, I’ll meet you at the fruit.”

“Don’t wander around. Stay put.” There was no candy aisle for me; I had my priorities.

As far back as I can remember, my mother never bought blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries. We were a strict grapes, apples, watermelon, and strawberry family. I don’t think I ever had a fresh blue, black, or red berry until I was 20. Living in The Bronx, I saw nothing grow except weeds, stomachs, and resentments. The closest thing to farming was when my Italian friend’s mother used to pick dandelions on the side of the highway to serve to the family at dinner.

Even though I’d never been to a farm, on Sunday mornings at 5 a.m., wearing my footed pajamas, I’d tiptoed into the living room so as not to wake my parents, sit on the floor with a bowl of dry Cheerios inches from the black-and-white screen, and watch “The Modern Farmer.” The name said it all — modern-day farming techniques. Did you know it takes 65 to 100 days to grow watermelon? 

On awakening, my dad did a double-take when he saw me sitting on the floor and asked, “What have you been doing?” “Watching ‘Modern Farmer.’” He replied, “Good.” Despite requesting overalls and a wide-brim hat to block a blazing hot sun in case I was plunked down into some cornfield, I was never taken to any farm to see anything grow.

Now, decades later, entering the supermarket, I still head straight to the produce aisle as if my shopping cart has a neodymium magnet attached. I love fruits and vegetables, but the problem is that the produce section is always a crapshoot. Let’s see what looks good today. You never walk into Ralphs, look over their bleach selection, and then head to Vons (another local market) to see what they have in bleach. Sometimes, if I’m not purchasing any frozen foods after my perusing fruit yields nothing, I might visit one or two other stores. Not often, but occasionally, this trip may also prove fruitless.

But love knows no bounds. Now, and with full disclosure, I admit that when I see nobody is watching me, I hunch over, crack open a berry box, and touch a few, testing for firmness or serious mush. After wiping it clean on my sleeve, I might even sample a grape. If it’s a no-go with this fruit and I see someone heading over to buy some, I’ll tell them to keep walking. Most thank me. Picking good fruit is a talent that takes a good fruit eye and a willingness to test the texture. Fruit does not have to be smelled at the store.

Now, and with full disclosure, I admit that when I see nobody is watching me, I hunch over, crack open a berry box, and touch a few, testing for firmness or serious mush. 

My wife is good at almost everything except, you guessed it, picking fruit. She doesn’t have the intense desire to pick winners like I do. Mold, rot, and berries sticking to the bottom of the box are all serious problems that must be thoroughly checked before exiting the market.  Because my wife is not a fan of being told she picks lousy fruit and my nitpickiness, I’ll say something nice like, “The bananas you got are perfect.” This makes her happy. 

Because of knock-down drag-out fights over tasteless grapes at over 4 dollars a pound, and to save our marriage, I now harvest 95% of our seeded and seedless buddies. If we must bring fruit to another family, she might order from Farm Fresh, which picks the fruit for you. I pick better fruit than they do. They are a business; I pick with love.

Being a comedian, I must travel for work, so I always make sure to leave my wife berry well-stocked before I leave town. On my return, I play spy and open the fridge to see how much of the perfect delectable I left she consumed. Many times, the answer is less than zero. As Larry David’s mother said, “I buy fruit, and nobody eats it.”

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer, and hosts, along with Danny Lobell, the “We Think It’s Funny” podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”