As a child, I spent most of my Saturdays at home, alone. My mom, a nurse, would work long shifts at the hospital, and my sister was busy with her own life, which meant that I had to entertain myself with TV, food, and America Online. I’d waste time by watching movies and building websites and eating way too much pizza.
I was miserable.
I thought about how much I wanted to hang out with my friends, but I couldn’t, because I was too young to drive, and they lived far away. I thought about how everyone else – except for me – was having fun. I longed to be with my friends or my family; I longed not to be lonely.
This sense of isolation I felt throughout my childhood persisted when I went to college. I had a hard time connecting with others and typically felt out of place, so I retreated to my dorm room and spent most of my time on the internet. It was only when I graduated from college, started dating my boyfriend (now husband) Daniel and began my conversion process that I finally felt less alone.
When converting, I gained a second family – my husband’s – as well as the entire Jewish people. I would spend my weekends with our family, friends and members of our community, eating Shabbat meals and going to synagogue and events. While I still felt lonely sometimes, it was nothing compared to how I used to feel.
The Jewish people are in an especially challenging moment, one that is made so much worse if you feel like you’re experiencing it alone. You’re not. All you need to do is call up a friend to realize that.
Today, there is a loneliness epidemic, fueled by social media and made worse by the pandemic. According to a poll from the American Psychiatric Association, one in three Americans feels lonely every week. Not only is loneliness taxing on your emotions, but it can also lead to negative physical outcomes. One study showed that people who experience social isolation have a 32% higher risk of dying early from any cause, compared to people who are not socially isolated.
In the first few lines of the Torah, after Hashem creates Adam, He says, “It is not good for Man to be alone.” And then he creates Eve as a companion for Adam. Right away, we learn the importance of being around other people.
These days, many of us work alone at home, and we try to fill our need for interacting with others with social media. We may think that commenting on someone’s post or conversing with someone on WhatsApp is enough.
It’s not. If it were, we wouldn’t have this loneliness epidemic.
If you are feeling lonely, first, know that you are not the only one. I’ve been there and so have many others. You must actively work on not being lonely – especially these days, when people are reluctant to hang out with others and happy to cancel plans.
I would recommend joining a synagogue or going to your local Chabad for services or Friday night dinner. You’re sure to meet friendly people there who share the same values as you, which is important.
It’s also helpful to go to classes, whether in a spiritual setting or not, so you can be around others, learning something new and fascinating.
I like to schedule coffee dates with friends – even if I have to triple confirm with them to make sure it actually happens. Meeting someone in person and having a conversation is so incredibly fulfilling and good for your soul.
I also enjoy hosting people at our home for Shabbat meals. Long Shabbats in the summer are hard for me if I don’t have people over, because I easily get bored staying in the house for so many hours. And boredom breeds loneliness. But having friends there makes the day so much more fun and exciting.
The Jewish people are in an especially challenging moment, one that is made so much worse if you feel like you’re experiencing it alone.
You’re not. All you need to do is call up a friend to realize that.
Now, go and pick up the phone.
Kylie Ora Lobell is the Community Editor of the Jewish Journal. You can find Kylie on X @KylieOraLobell or Instagram @KylieOraWriter.
