Hindsight

My mother’s mood swings made her not easy for my dad nor me to live with. They made her, at times, seem mean. But in hindsight, things have become more clear. She was not mean at all, she always meant well and loved us with all her heart.  

My mother would say to me, “Mark, you’re giving me a headache.” Yes, sometimes I’m sure that was true. But the truth is, she was prone to migraines.  She needed to lie down with a cold washcloth on her forehead when one came on.  

In the ’60s and ’70s, doctors had nothing except to tell her, “try to take it easy.” I’m in tears thinking about the suffering she went through with those blinding, pounding, throbbing headaches. Struggling through the workday at the typewriter. Each painful click of a key until the typewriter bell exploded in her head.

Parents learn to hide their suffering.   When I think back to those early days, I understand how strong a woman my mother was. How tough a woman, and how good a woman she was. 

Like many mothers, she suffered in silence. Parents learn to hide their suffering.   When I think back to those early days, I understand how strong a woman my mother was. How tough a woman, and how good a woman she was. 

It’s terrible not to know these things about our parents when we’re young. Didn’t we all think they would be here forever? That there would always be another family meal together? 

I did. If only to be able to spend one more day with my young mom. The mom that still had some of her childhood dreams. Holding her hand as we walked to get ice cream simply because she knew I would enjoy it. Many times, I would be the only one leaving the store with a cone. She’d take me for my haircuts or to buy new pants. I would come out of the boys’ changing room and she would be there ready to inspect. 

“How do they feel? Are they too tight?” as she pulled on the waist. She was so beautiful in her early days. Before health and worry took their toll. Around fifty, she started biting her nails. She feared so many things. 

As I get older, much has become clear about her struggles and life. At the same time, as I write this, my heart is the same heart that she carefully grew inside of her. I’m sure my heart contains some of hers besides my own secrets.  I know it does. That’s how she still speaks to me — her heart to my heart. 

Writing like this does what thinking never did for me. Thinking is limited. When my parents would send me into my room to think about what I had done wrong, I never came out with an answer. But writing unlocks many answers. Writing is the combination to unlock the safe that stores your regrets, your happiness, and your life moments.  Life is made up of many moments that are kept in your inner sanctum until they are requested or forced to show themselves.  

Mom is gone close to 25 years. An almost impossible number to wrap my head around. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday she was cutting open a bag of Birds Eye Creamed Corn and telling me that I better eat it. I never once thought that her demanding that I eat something was an act of love. Just the opposite. I felt annoyed by her. 

There are so many things we can only see in hindsight. How it must have hurt her when I refused her kindness.  That might be one reason why a Jewish boy is obligated at 13 years old to keep mitzvot. After 13, the Beit Din may punish him for transgressing. But punishment from heaven starts at age 20 (Shabbat 89B). God understood how long it takes us to stop breaking the hearts of those that love us. 

Most moms are sensitive and hurt easily. Like a dog, children can easily walk away and not think twice after biting someone. But most moms can put away the daily slights that are unknowingly hurled in their direction. 

During the Yizkor service when the people that still have their parents walk out of the room, I think about how lucky they are.  So, if you still have one or both of your parents, eat your vegetables when you’re having dinner with them. It will make them happy. ■

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer, and host of the ‘You Don’t Know Schiff’ podcast.