Satirical Semite: Disney Warlord

Summer is in full swing, and it’s a great time to explore different cultures, learn from different people and glean enlightenment from our travels. England has learned from Russian revolutionaries when it comes to symbolically decapitating its head of state and kicking out Prime Minister Boris Johnson despite his winning the biggest electoral victory since 1987. Johnson’s downfall was for the minor sin of getting caught telling lies, and he should have learned from U.S. deep state operatives on how to effectively share misinformation. A new leadership battle is now in play for the UK Prime Minister, with American-style debate, although British politicians need to learn from televised Presidential debates and stop being so polite to one another.

Prime Ministerial-hopefuls might emulate the 2016 Trump-Clinton debates and threaten to send one another to prison if they get elected. What’s the point of having medieval jail cells at the Tower of London if you’re not going to use them? The London Dungeons have specific torture rooms that are well-designed for political opponents, and it’s a waste to maintain them purely for the entertainment of foreign tourists.

It was like the good old days once again, if by “good old days” we mean the pandemic stay-at-home lockdown.

Meanwhile the summer has been a mixed experience for many families since the inflated cost of utility bills thwarted many people’s vacations, high gas prices prevented many people from local driving holidays, and plenty of Europeans had their flights canceled. It was like the good old days once again, if by “good old days” we mean the pandemic stay-at-home lockdown.

There is a blessing in disguise for those abandoned trips to visit amusement parks. I have a happy childhood memory of going to the Wet ’n’ Wild waterpark on a family trip to Las Vegas, and experiencing the giant vertical slide that felt like being flushed down a toilet. Part of its thrill was being in what seemed like a dangerous situation. It should be of no cause for concern that there are now specialist Amusement Park Injury Lawyers. If you are visiting a theme park, please choose one with an excellent safety history. A safer option would be to get flushed down a toilet.

Disneyworld is always fun, although Florida life has become challenging for Donald (Duck, not Trump). Disney recently lost its status as having its own unique tax district, which meant that they enjoyed all kinds of tax benefits like not having to pay much tax. 

Disney should reestablish financial autonomy and claim independence from the union. The “happiest place on earth” has a full complement of resources to happily go it alone. They can form their own militia, using muskets pistols and cutlasses from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” experience, even if the weaponry would be more suited to the Tower of London. Disney’s junta already has naval landing gear with boats from the “It’s a Small World After All” ride, and staff uniforms can be repurposed for camouflage in Florida swamps. Supply lines won’t be a problem since there are plenty of concession stands, and there is even a fortified castle with a moat that can be commandeered from Cinderella. She will be easy to overcome since her only defense is a fairy godmother, and if Cinders thinks her castle is safe then she is literally living in a fairytale. 

Disney warlords will be ruthless, and heads will roll. That will be fine since cast members playing Mickey and friends all remove their heads at the end of every shift.

At least this was a pleasant summer for British people to stay at home, with highlights like last month’s hottest-ever day on record, which was lovely since UK homes don’t have air conditioning. England did well in the 2022 Commonwealth Games, and it helped not having to beat serious international rivals like America and China. The biggest win of all was the England women’s football team vanquishing Germany in the UEFA Women’s Euro 2022 soccer tournament. It was the first time England had beaten Germany in 50 years, and one thing England loves doing is beating Germany.  

This summer is a time to choose our leaders, whether it is the UK’s Prime Minister or planning for November mid-terms. The problem is that unlike Disney, modern politics all feels a bit Mickey Mouse.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer and Jewish educator. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed