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Satirical Semite: God Save the King

There are many reasons to have a Royal Family, although there are strong sentiments on both sides.
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May 24, 2022
Yurii Kifor/Getty Images

My fictional friend Jonny 10-vax is upset. The Scottish ultra-MAGA Republican supporter and his Democrat girlfriend @chelsearodham have a new roommate, a Russian dissident by the name of Dimitri Stanislavski who they met at a West Hollywood solidarity rally for “unvaccinated and unemployed” Canadian truckers. While the three of them may be fictional, as a wise person said about certain Chassidic stories, “just because it didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it’s not true.” That’s unlike Hunter Biden’s laptop scandal, which isn’t fictional, did happen, and was true.

This week Jonny is watching BBC News and celebrating along with fellow Britons since Queen Elizabeth II celebrates 70 years on the throne. She became monarch at the age of 25, and part of her role as the Head of State is to have a meeting every week with the current British Prime Minister. You never forget your first, and her first PM was Winston Churchill.

She became monarch at the age of 25, and part of her role as the Head of State is to have a meeting every week with the current British Prime Minister.

“We all need a King or Queen.” said Jonny to Chelsea. “It made sense that you got rid of King George III, Queen Elizabeth’s great-great-great-grandfather, since America wanted autonomy. But that’s all changed.”

He sent her the YouTube link for President Biden’s recent rally when he identified the problems caused by his predecessor, “The Great MAGA King.” This put-down avoided referring to Trump as President, but upgraded The Donald to King Donald. Within hours, Trump shared a meme with his face on the “Lord of the Rings” poster, proclaiming “The Return of the Great MAGA King.” The midterms are coming.

Since, by nature, Donald Trump is a humble man who is self-deprecating and doesn’t really enjoy being in the spotlight, it’s not as if the newly-throned Mr. Trump will relentlessly use this to his advantage and squeeze every PR jewel out of the shiny crown.

“It’s so exciting that in 2024 the true king will be back in power,” he continued by text. Chelsea ignored it and retorted with an anti-monarchy SMS. “What’s the point of your Royal Family, anyway?” “The Queen provides stable continuity as governments come and go,” he replied. “She is always there, someone who will be around in the good times and the bad times, like your friendly grandmother.”

“Yes,” said Chelsea. “Like your friendly grandmother who is worth £6 billion based on your enforced taxes, and uses some of that money to shelter her friend-of-Jeffrey-Epstein son Prince Andrew who just paid $10 million in a lawsuit to someone who was abused on Epstein’s island.” “You’re so cynical” retorted Jonny. “The Royal Family are great for the country, they symbolize something bigger, and they are great for tourist revenue.” “Why not just hire a better PR firm for the UK tourist board and do more digital advertising to boost foreign visitors?” said Dimitry in his heavy accent, not looking up from the Pravda website on his iPad, the century-old Russian propaganda (fake) news source that now claimed a long-term invasion of Ukraine was all part of the plan, rather than a sign of the military’s failure to win a decisive victory. The others looked stumped. Chelsea put in her AirPods and watched the famous royal Oprah interview, while Jonny read The Hollywood Reporter’s account of why Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Netflix deal had been scrapped.

There are many reasons to have a Royal Family, although there are strong sentiments on both sides. For the most part, Queen Elizabeth is a much-loved fixture of British life, providing a sense of deep stability as political leaders come and go. “I may be Scottish, she may be English, but I still love the Queen,” said Jonny. “Perhaps America would be a bit more united if you had one over here.” “Or perhaps not,” responded Chelsea, by now completely absorbed watching series four of “The Crown,” daydreaming of being a Princess.

Jonny poured himself a cup of tea, hummed the national anthem “God Save the Queen,” and browsed Amazon for a t-shirt featuring Mr. Biden’s predecessor, with the banner “God Save the King.” Amen.


Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer and Jewish educator. Find him at www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed.

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