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Pause When Agitated

The “pause when agitated” rule can save marriages, jobs, and friendships.
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June 3, 2021
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“Does this need to be said?  Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?”— Craig Ferguson

“The goal is not to be better than the other man, but your previous self.” — Dali Lama”

A while back, I received an email that was chock-full of hate and anger. It was sent to me by a friend of more than 30 years. He knew I had stopped drinking three decades earlier, but in the email he offered to buy me a drink. He wrote that I was funnier and smarter when I was fat and drunk. My friend is also a member of the tribe. Mostly by schmeckle.

My initial reaction was anger, which is not abnormal. I considered sending the email out to everyone he knows as well as the industry he works in. “I will show him,” I thought to myself.  But there are two rules I live by: 1) “Never trust your first thought when you are angry,” and 2) “Pause when agitated.”

The “pause when agitated” rule can save marriages, jobs, and friendships. It can also stop waiters from spitting in your meal. It might even save your life. So instead of reacting, I phoned a few wise folks. Hands down, across the board, I was counseled not to respond. The general consensus was to dump the email and not lower myself.

The “pause when agitated” rule can save marriages, jobs, and friendships. It can also stop waiters from spitting in your meal.

So for the next few months, I did nothing. Wings spread and lark happy, I was extremely proud of the new spiritual heights from which I was looking down on others. But Mishlei, the Book of Proverbs, warns us that “Pride goes before destruction.” Since I would never forget how awful this guy was, I decided to hang on to the email. Big mistake.

Months later, I received a stupid political email that twenty-five other people were attached to. As I was reading it, I started feeling agitated. When I saw that one of the names on the email was that of my drink-buying ex-friend, it was as if someone had waved a muleta in my face. A resentment I did not know was there came barreling out of its cave as I tumbled off my spiritual perch, hit the ground, and in half a tick, my anger fuse was lit. Before you could say what, I disseminated his nasty email to the whole group. Even though I did not know 98% of the people on the email chain, my arrogance convinced me they would all take my side.

Within a second of hitting the send button, I knew I had made a mistake. Again, I called my wise friends for counseling, only this time it was after the fact. As I stood in the mud, I could see my high horse had taken off without me. It was decided among my friends that what was necessary was an “amends” email to the whole group of people that I had thoughtlessly dragged into my mishegoss.

So the next day, after taking a deep breath, I sent out a group apology email. I quickly heard back from two people. One condemned me; one applauded me. Then after a closer look the next day, I sent a heartfelt email to my ex-friend to apologize to him. I made absolutely no mention of his part in any of this. This effort was just about clearing my own side of the street. I really was sorry. I’ve yet to hear from him.

A few days later, my friend Sheryl Neuman stopped by our house to give us a gift for being host of a Sheva Brechot for her son and daughter in-law. The gift was a book called “Positivity Bias” by Mendel Kalmenson. Something inside me said, “Read this book now.” Using Sheryl as his emissary, God had sent me this book of stories about how The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Schneerson, lifted people up instead of bringing them down. The glass is always half-full and never half-empty in the Rebbe’s world. Sending the group email was the exact opposite of what the Rebbe would have done, although the Rebbe likely would have found something positive in what I had done as well. The Rebbe believed in finding the good in people even when they let you down and even when they hurt you. Kalmenson writes, “Viewing other people through the lens of a good eye endows us with a certain degree of optimism.”

Two weeks later, my friend Maz sent a book called “The War of Art” by Steve Pressfield. I had had such good luck with the last book I figured, “Hey why not?” Bingo, another winner. This book is about the resistance we experience when we are growing and changing. Pressfield says, “Resistance obstructs movement when you pursue a calling like the arts, launch an enterprise, or try and move to a higher station morally, ethically, or spiritually.” I find that to be totally true for me. When I am trying to be more honest, more helpful, a better person, or closer to God, nine out of ten times, I will do something to block the path. The Leviticus warning not to “put a stumbling block before the blind” most certainly includes self-sabotage. But I try to be thankful for even the setbacks. The setbacks are painful but necessary reminders that I am not perfect, and that I still have a long, long way to go. Setbacks, when viewed correctly, can be eye-opening gifts.

When I am trying to be more honest, more helpful, a better person, or closer to God, nine out of ten times, I will do something to block the path.

In football, when a team loses yardage, without wasting a second they huddle and retrieve the lost yardage and then some. Guess who is there to stop them? Resistance. The same is true with our life setbacks. If you make a mistake, never beat or quit on yourself. Get right back up. Not only to get back to where you just were, but to move ahead to a higher place, the place that now belongs to you, but until now, you were not ready to occupy.  22-43-12-16 hike.


Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.

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