Satirical Semite: Heading Back to the Future

Many people have complained about the trials of 2020. Personally, it has been full of valuable lessons that offer a sense of perspective to our woes. Here are just a few:

When you meet a beautiful woman who you are seriously interested in, don’t take her to a graveyard on a first date.Also, don’t invite her to your COVID-19-compliant outdoor birthday hike, where the other attendees are some of your oldest friends, one of whom misreads the tone and begins the evening with a filthy joke that makes you immediately regret planning the event.

In retrospect, I should never have invited her but saved our first date for another occasion. To misquote Steve McQueen in “The Magnificent Seven,” “I knew a man who once took off all his clothes and jumped on a cactus. I asked him, ‘why?’ He said, ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time.’”

The evening seemed like a great idea at the time. It was an outdoor, socially-distanced “Historic Legends Birthday Adventure” walk in the town of St. Albans, just northwest of London. The area still has Roman ruins, a clocktower from the 1100s and a medieval cathedral. Our evening was supposed to include a treasure hunt, ghost stories and Chassidic tales. But when I played Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on a Bluetooth speaker as we walked on the trail that went through a graveyard, my date was scared rather than amused. It happened to be the site where Britain’s first-recorded martyr was killed.

By sheer coincidence, my date later made an excuse and had to leave early. Some say that romance is dead, but I unintentionally ensured it was crucified, executed and buried. I would say to her that next time, we would stick to drinks via Zoom, but for some reason, she politely declined any further dates.

2020 has been challenging, but comparing experiences can help us realize how fortunate we are. One friend lamented that his family had to forgo their annual Passover vacation abroad and instead stayed at home. I shared that at the start of quarantine in Los Angeles, I spent 33 consecutive Shabbat and festival meals on my own, including every meal on Pesach. On some level, we both probably thought the other person had the better deal. I would say that the grass is greener on the other side, but in England, the grass is green everywhere because of plentiful rainfall. If you stop and smell the flowers, there is a good chance you’ll get wet.

One birthday gift I received was Michael J Fox’s recently released biography, “No Time Like the Future — An Optimist Considers Mortality.” With all of the death we have heard about during 2020, it was sobering to read Fox’s contemplations on the transience of life through the perspective of his own health issues. In the mid-1980s, he had the career that every young actor wanted, but now, at the age of 59, he has spent three decades with Parkinson’s Disease. Like so many other kids in 1985, I took up skateboarding after watching him in “Back to the Future.” Frustratingly, my father never allowed me to hold on to the back of his car while he drove, towing me on my skateboard. I thought that it seemed like a great idea at the time.

Now, Michael J Fox can barely walk without extreme difficulty, and he recounts how he nearly had to have a finger amputated after falling over; he recently had a tumor removed from his spine; and when he fell over and broke an arm, he had a stainless-steel plate and 19 screws installed to keep the bones together. Yet he works hard to remain optimistic, recalling his 2009 documentary on Bhutan, the country whose king famously declared in 1972 that “Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product.”

Another 2020 lesson has been learning about the work of Operation Underground Railroad, an organization dedicated to rescuing children from sex trafficking and sexual exploitation. They aim to permanently end this form of modern slavery. Today there are an estimated 40.3 million people in slavery around the world. How is this even happening? A martial arts teacher once told me to go and look online at disadvantaged and poor youth, saying “they would love to have your problems.” Perspective is everything.

2020 may have been a challenging year, and getting a bigger frame of reference can minimize our biggest problems. I am still a little disappointed about messing up the date, and moving forward, I will avoid romantic trips to crypts, morgues and mausoleums. Perhaps there is a chance I can revive her interest if I master the technique perfected by another seasonally-relevant Jew: resurrection.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, filmmaker and marketing consultant. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed.