Dating During Coronavirus, Everyone is Like An Orthodox Jew

Orthodox Jewish dating isn’t like secular dating. In the Orthodox tradition, there isn’t supposed to be any contact — no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands or playing footsies under the table. Some Orthodox Jews still send a chaperone along on the date. And sex is off the table until marriage. In fact, even after marriage, sex is off the table again until the kids go to medical school or invent a multimillion-dollar app.

Well, ladies and gentlemen and other couple pairings that I don’t have room to acknowledge, welcome to Coronavirus Dating.  Almost everyone who dates during this science fiction movie we’re living through, is to some extent dating Orthodox Jewish style. They even have a chaperone: Mr. Coronavirus.

Mr. Virus is there to make sure there’s no hanky-panky during this trying time. There is no getting to first base. According to the Centers for Disease Control, if you’re in a car, one should sit in the back seat — or better yet the trunk — while the other drives. No visiting crowded restaurants, movie theaters, concerts or sporting events. Restaurants aren’t seating diners and museums are closed. No parties. So, what’s left to do?

What’s left is “Orthodox Jewish Dating.” Don’t worry. She doesn’t have to put on a wig; he doesn’t have to wear a tallit; and no one has to eat flanken. What you do have to do is meet somewhere for a cup of coffee. Sit 6 feet apart and talk and talk and talk. Then later, if you still have more to say (a very good sign), maybe take a walk and talk some more. You might be surprised by the outcome. You might find that you got to know each other on a whole other level and you really like this person. Or you might find that you heard enough to last you 10 lifetimes and you’re changing your phone number and Instagram handle. Either way, you don’t have to decide how far to take this date because after the coffee and walk, one of you climbs back into the trunk and home you go.

This might be a golden opportunity for you to meet your bashert (soul mate).

One problem with Coronavirus Dating is you don’t know if you’re dating someone who’s overly cautious or if that person is a full-blown OCD’er. The behaviors are eerily similar. For instance, if you’re on a first date and it’s not coronavirus season and your date Lysols a doorknob, you might reconsider the relationship. Or if by accident, your date touches you and then runs to the nearest bathroom to scrub his or her hands as if they just touched poison oak, it might be over.

You can learn a lot just by looking at and talking to a person for a few hours. Imagine coming home after a first date and actually knowing a lot about the person. Almost unheard of. Coronavirus has in some ways set the clock back 100 years. In 1920, it wasn’t uncommon for two young people to sit in their mother’s kitchen and get to know each other over some tea and biscuits.

One other way to look at this, though, is that there might be a silver lining. This might be a golden opportunity for you to meet your bashert (soul mate). This might be just what you’ve been hoping and praying for. By not going to the movies or crowded bars or noisy restaurants or boring parties, here’s a chance for a person to get to know another person on a deeper level. And isn’t that what we all want? People to really know who we are. It’s scary because if they find out who we are, they may not like us. But so what.

Listen folks, this reset will not last forever. So, if I were you, I’d try to take advantage of it. The coronavirus might be just what the doctor ordered. And if you do get the virus, you can spend the next two weeks talking to your date on the phone en route, God willing, to a full recovery.

Good luck. Good health. I wish you the best.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer.