Tapas and Tents (A Satire)

The following is a work of satire. And in case you believe it is inappropriate or that the timing is too soon to laugh at the chaotic and disturbing antisemitic behavior of students and faculty at campuses nationwide, consider that the author is utilizing humor to sooth her own fears, as well as her utter horror over witnessing a particular breed of hatred and fanaticism that she has not seen since leaving post-revolutionary Iran several decades ago. 

The climate on campus has been a tad hostile to Israel (and America) lately. And by a tad, I mean that today’s campus climate can best be described as a fiery bag of doggy doo-doo that was left outside the main entrance at Columbia University and now has spread wildly to many other campuses across the country. School officials have attempted to put out these rampant fires with the equivalent of a spray bottle.

The following incidents depicting campus deterioration have been painstakingly documented and are now being shared with readers for the first time: 

Why Is This Flag Different from All Other Flags?

At Yale University, anti-Israel and anti-America protesters decided to test the waters and wave a yellow Hezbollah flag in support of the Lebanese terrorist organization that has launched endless proxy wars against Israel and has also killed Americans in Beirut. 

Unfortunately, the student who was tasked with ordering the Hezbollah flag mistakenly ordered another large, famous, yellow flag and delivered it to his peers without examining the flag properly. This may explain why, last Tuesday, keffiyeh-clad students at Yale enthusiastically waved a giant, yellow flag depicting a crown and Hebrew letters that formed the word “Moshiach.” 

Several hours later, upon realizing the embarrassing mistake, the students attempted to return the flag online, but were informed that once Moshiach had arrived, there was no sending it back. 

The Boss Burns

A panel of distinguished psychiatrists representing half a dozen Ivy Leagues convened at the University of Pennsylvania to discuss whether setting oneself on fire as a response to Israeli actions signaled bigger mental health problems. “It depends on the context,” said one speaker, “and how you define ‘on fire.’ It could mean self-immolation, or in the case of the classic Bruce Springsteen song, ‘I’m on Fire,’ it could also symbolize unbridled passion. Again, it depends on the context.”

Tapas and Tents

An Uber Eats driver who missed his daughter’s birthday party as a result of delivering orders to Columbia University was enraged at having been forced to drop off multiple orders at unmarked green tents on the school’s West Lawn. “There were no addresses,” he said. “They just expected me to knock on tents and see who ordered the tapas or the chickpeas or the vegan chicken or the organic juice cleanses.” 

The man added, “Every tent looked the same. I was there for over three hours and all of them paid with their parents’ credit cards.” When asked whether he received generous tips for delivering to the mob rule-controlled campus, the Uber driver scowled and used an expletive that the Jewish Journal is not permitted to print. 

If This Tent’s A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’

Speaking of tents, several students defied Columbia University’s laws against illegal encampments and inappropriate procreation by partaking in various activities common to college students in at least one tent. The activity led this author to believe that an adorable antisemite was conceived on Columbia’s West Lawn last week.  

Persian Versions Will Be Removed

Earlier this week, a lone Iranian student pitched a tent at UCLA, complete with an Iranian imperial flag. When an anti-Israel student mob approached the Iranian student and asked if the flag symbolized “that king guy” or “our esteemed Supreme Leader Khamenei,” the student was perplexed. 

The mob then asked the Iranian student, “Do you stand in solidarity with the people of Palestine?” The student responded, “Palestine is not my cause. There are already enough people here for that. I am here to support the people of Iran. And I’m especially here to protest that Iran has sentenced a famous rapper to death.”

In an interview, the student told the Journal that the angry protesters immediately tore down his tent (and his flag) and yelled “We’re fighting for freedom and justice! And people in Iran have nothing to do with either of those!” 

Salutations from Tehran

In other Iran-related news, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei took to X/Twitter to congratulate fanaticized students and faculty at American campuses for their “moral clarity” as well as for their “fiery passion, much like the beloved Bruce Springsteen song.” Khamenei also offered a gentle reminder that all tent-dwelling students must submit their completed questionnaires back to Tehran by May 4 in order to receive full or partial compensation for their activism. 

Khamenei also posted a link to a GoFundMe page that is raising money to buy more tents, battery-operated space heaters and much-needed oat milk for protesting students. He then shed light on the fact that, in Persian, the word “chador,” has a double meaning: A chador is a tent; but it is also an expansive cape that covers Muslim women from head to toe. “I’m a big chador guy,” Khamenei posted on X. “All American female students are encouraged to visit Iran and experience the second meaning of this glorious term on a strictly volunteer and free-will basis.”

Unchecked Privilege

Members of the custodial staff at Harvard University have submitted a letter to interim president Alan Garber demanding to know why “students who, for four years, have only been taught about the evils of privilege, left massive amounts of garbage, debris and half-eaten food for all of us to clean up after they left their tents in Harvard Yard to go back their dorms and apartments?” 

Uptown Elitists

Two Columbia University students who visited the NYU campus in solidarity with pro-Palestinian students at that school told reporters that they were “not completely sure how NYU was complicit in genocide,” but that it was a good opportunity “to be around a bunch of NYU people and remember that we got into Columbia.”

“Dancing for Decolonization”

Anti-Israel students have led interpretive dances, as well as mixed-gender salsa dancing, outside their tents at various campuses, and readers are encouraged to Google these videos for themselves (especially the interpretive dances with strings). One couple, however, is taking their activism to a whole new level: Harrison and Chernobylina, who asked that only their first names be used, will travel to Gaza this summer to discover more about “that area’s dance and culture.”

“We haven’t looked into mixed-gender dance competitions in Gaza, but a senior Hamas official who is very close with one of our professors told him that the biggest dance competitions in Gaza are held on rooftops during warm summer evenings.”

An excited Chernobylina added, “We haven’t looked into mixed-gender dance competitions in Gaza, but a senior Hamas official who is very close with one of our professors told him that the biggest dance competitions in Gaza are held on rooftops during warm summer evenings.” Before embarking on their Gaza adventure this August, the couple has been invited to Iran, at the invitation of the country’s Supreme Leader. 

And finally, a Jewish student who tried to lead an “Anti-Zionist Solidarity Seder” inside a tent at Barnard last week was jeered at and asked to leave when she attempted to read a prayer in Hebrew as part of the seder. “The other students told me that Hebrew was too triggering and asked if I could lead the seder in Arabic,” the Jewish student told the Journal as she held back tears. “When I saw the flier about an ‘Anti-Zionist Solidarity Seder,’ I thought it would be more inclusive.”

Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X and Instagram @TabbyRefael.