March 30, 2020

Reminders for the New Year  

Dip the apples in the honey,
not the other way around.

Your napkin supply and fingers
will thank you.

Practice blowing the shofar ahead of time
but, please, do it in the other room.

We don’t want you to ruin the surprise.

Whatever melody they’re singing
at your shul is the only
correct melody.

You’re going to find out soon
if you were written in the Book of Life.

This book, unfortunately, is
not available on Kindle.

The shofar is made from a ram’s horn.

Animal rights activists who are
uncomfortable with this may consider
blowing directly into a live ram.

Results may vary.

Why stop with just a round challah
when you can mold any food into
a round shape? Consider a chicken ball
or a brisket globe. Vegetarians, you
can mold tofu into any shape.

We’ve got your back.

Unlike when we were in the desert,
synagogue buildings are not temporary
structures that exist only once a year.

Don’t be a stranger. We do this thing
every Friday. There’s food afterward.

Don’t forget to wear white on Yom Kippur.

We know it’s after Labor Day and this
goes against everything you ever
were taught on the subject, but you don’t want
to be the only one in the room receiving

Kol Nidre dressed in autumn browns.

Don’t be the only one in the room.

Be where there are others. Do that all the time.

You don’t get out of this world alive
so you might as well not go alone.

Rick Lupert, author of “God Wrestler: A Poem for Every Torah Portion,” is a freelance graphic designer, song leader, and poet who lives in Van Nuys with his wife, son, and far too many cats.