Five Ways to Make Shabbat Dinner the Highlight of Your Young Family’s Week

We know that Shabbat dinner is a mitzvah. But with all the busyness young families experience from Sunday to Friday — from the grind of work, to the kids’ school schedules, to extracurricular activities — it’s easy to think the last thing we want to do at the end of a long week is partake in yet another scheduled event. But I’m here to tell families, in particular those with young children, that the practical and spiritual benefits of setting time aside for Shabbat dinner might be exactly the boost our households need. 

By intentionally setting aside and sanctifying this time for family, we can build bonds with one another through joy and meaning, grow our kids’ character traits through critical engagement with the Jewish story, and enrich their lives with memories they’ll hold on to forever. 

Here are some tips for young families to consider in order to enhance their Friday-night dinner experience: 

1. Tell stories. 

Tell stories about your family history, tell stories about your own life, or maybe say something inspired by the weekly Torah reading. Tell funny stories, and invite all members of the family to share stories of their own. 

Research by psychologist Marshall Duke, relayed by Bruce Feiler in “The Secrets of Happy Families,” found that such storytelling helps children develop an “intergenerational self,” and that feeling rooted in family gives children the resiliency to stand strong in times of trouble, because they know they’re a part of a larger story. Marshall refers to these as bubbemeises, grandmother stories. “Whatever problem the child is having,” he says in the book, “the grandmother has a story for it — even if it’s made up!”

In a culture in which family dinners have become rarer and rarer, Shabbat is a time to step back, take refuge from the deluge of the week, and reclaim the things that matter to us most. 

2. Host guests, but not too often.

Like Shabbat dinner itself, the welcoming of visitors is a Jewish value. Importantly, kids can find it fun to have their friends — or perhaps their grandparents — over to mark Shabbat as a special occasion. So too, you can have new, interesting guests over, and the children can learn the importance of providing space for those who would benefit from being welcomed in that night. 

In my experience, it’s important not to overdo it, though. Shabbat dinner must first and foremost be about family bonding, and we don’t want to sacrifice that by making it all about visitors. A possible model is to host guests roughly a quarter of the time. With less than that, we might not be opening our space to others enough. But with much more, we might not be preserving our space enough to keep it dedicated for the family unit. In our home, sometimes we’ll host others back-to-back weeks, and other times we’ll go many weeks not hosting at all. Each family can feel out the needs and the rhythm of their own home.

We all inevitably experience instability in life, but we know we can return each week to this peaceful and comforting foundation. 

3. Lean into the rituals.

Friday night can be packed with special practices: lighting candles, singing songs, blessing the children, and making kiddush, just to name a few. Each of these has real depth and meaning, and the more we learn about them, the richer our experience with them can be. These rituals can be anchors in a family’s week. We all inevitably experience instability in life, but we know we can return each week to this peaceful and comforting foundation. 

For those of us who didn’t grow up with these practices, it can seem intimidating at first. But there is no better decision than to get started where you are. If you don’t know how to do them, you should learn, because they’re not overly difficult. You can become familiar with all of them in just a few hours with countless online resources. An even better way might be to join another family in your community for Shabbat and learn from them. 

Most American Jewish children today are not attending a synagogue frequently, not going to a Jewish summer camp, not going to Jewish day school and not attending a youth group. Whether your children are doing these things or not, Shabbat can enhance their growth and form memories for a lifetime. Even if your family’s life is not infused with Jewish activities throughout the week, kids will have these Jewish memories to lean on as they grow up. 

4. Mix it up.

The repetition of ritual is the anchor of Shabbat comfort, but we don’t want it to get stale and predictable. There’s a concept in the Jewish tradition of chiddush, or novelty. We can always look to bring something new to the experience. Perhaps you can play a game at the table, such as charades, telephone or whatever your family enjoys — or tell jokes that will bring the family together. Some participants might find meaning in a mid-meal walk around the block or some other movement-oriented activity. 

Shabbat should also be a time to vary from the mundanity of the week. Maybe there is a special treat that you don’t allow your kids to have all week, but they can have it on Friday night. In our home, my younger daughter loves salt-and-vinegar chips, and she knows Shabbat is the one day she gets them. The meal, too, can be unique and distinct from the rest of the week. Whether you make it yourself or order takeout, it should ideally be something that everyone’s excited about. 

5. Dream of a more just world. 

On Shabbat, we live, for just a little while, as though the world and all the chaos around us no longer needs our work — it’s already been perfected. Shabbat should be our Garden of Eden, our shelter from a stormy world. Rather than dwelling on our problems, we have an opportunity on Shabbat to experience a taste of a perfected world, inspiring optimism for a better tomorrow.  

Once we’ve experienced this, we can return recharged to work on the un-perfected world after Shabbat. 

With all of the energy we exert during the week, the desire to collapse on Friday evening is quite real. But with just a modest amount of planning and preserving energy, we can create a special time that imbues us with lasting meaning and gives the whole family something to look forward to all week long.

Rabbi Dr. Shmuly Yanklowitz is the President & Dean of the Valley Beit Midrash, the Founder and President of Uri L’Tzedek, the Founder and President of Shamayim and the Founder and President of YATOM. The opinions expressed here represent the author’s and do not represent any organizations he is affiliated with.