The Theos

If you remember your Bible — and of course you do — you’ll recall the scene when Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and sees the People of Israel — that’s you — forsaking God and praying to a statue of a Golden Calf. 

Well, every year as I watch the Oscars I always imagine Moses coming down from the mountain only to find his People lifting their eyes in unholy expectation toward a statue of a Little Golden Man. And just as they are announcing the Oscar pick for Best Original Song, Moses would look at the tablets in his arms and say, “I hold these Ten Commandments, written by God, and you’re giving an award to the guy who wrote, ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp’?” Then he’d smash the tablets on the floor of the Kodak Theatre.

That’s why every year I stay away from the Oscars. That, and I’ve never been nominated.

All this got me thinking, what’s with all this awards narrishkayt? (For the Yiddishly impaired: narrishkayt is Yiddish for bullsh**.) Sure movies can change the world, uplift people’s miserable lives, bring joy to millions and hard currency to struggling, much-loved development executives, but maybe we should be honoring something even bigger. How about an attempt to end all wars? People say religion causes war. Narrishkayt! Too many religions cause war. If there were just one, there’d be nothing to fight over. So wouldn’t it be great if we could preempt all wars by choosing one religion?

Maybe it’s time we picked a winner.

So forget about the Oscars, or the Emmys. I say we have one big theological awards show called … “The Theos”!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Here to present this year’s nominees is last year’s winner, Bishop Desmond Tutu.

BISHOP TUTU
And the nominees for outstanding religion in an organized or unaffiliated sect are … Catholicism: Pope Benedict the XVI — Jesus Christ, producer. Judaism: Moses — Steven Spielberg, producer. Buddhism: The Dalai Lama — Richard Gere, producer.

There would be other nominees as well, but I’m not gonna name names, because certain religions don’t take jokes very well.

Then they announce the winner. If the Theos took place in Hollywood and Judaism won, some would argue it was fixed. The same would be said if Scientology takes home the award. Even Catholicism would come under scrutiny if it won. The Jews run Hollywood, so of course they’d pick one of their own (anyone remember that Jesus was a rabbi?). I know that if I were a member of the academy, I’d vote for Judaism. But if it didn’t win, I’d be rooting for Jesus. Because, you know how some people go back to eating meat after being vegetarians? Maybe he’d reconsider and come back to his Jewish roots. I believe that’s why the pope wears a yarmulke. Just in case Jesus comes back and says, “Hey everyone, I’ve had a long time to think about things, and I’ve decided to go back to the whole Jew thing I was doing!” And then the pope would raise his kippah and say, “I’m right there with ya, Jesus!”

Also, if Jesus won, it would make for such a great acceptance speech:

JESUS
There are so many people I want to thank. I should’ve written this down, but I didn’t think I was going to win! OK, first and foremost I want to thank my Dad. Thanks Pop! We did it! Um, I want to thank all the apostles, Peter, Paul, there are so many of you; if I forget, please forgive me. And my writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Mary Magdalene, for all her love and support, and Charlie Sheen for introducing us.

At this point Jesus would get choked up and look down lovingly at the award.

JESUS (CONT’D.)
Ahhh, I don’t want to get all mushy here, but I have waited 2,000 years for this! Oh, and I want to thank all the rappers for thanking me in their acceptance speeches! This is goin’ out from JC to JayZ! Peace!

So when you’re watching the Oscars this year, I hope, like me, you’ll be yelling at the screen, “Go Jews, go!”

I do have to say that all this talk of awards just makes me think … damn, I’d love to win an Oscar!

Elon Gold is a comedian, actor and writer who has starred in sitcoms(FOX’s “Stacked,” NBC’s “In-Laws”) and is currently readying his fifthappearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” and hisone-man show, “Elon Gold: Half Jewish, Half Very Jewish.”