It seems as if every week, I get another call about another communal dispute. Sometimes it’s a synagogue, sometimes it’s a school, sometimes it’s an organization. Some disputes have revolved around COVID protocols, others around politics and ideology, still others around the limits of tolerance. The problem is not the disagreements—those have been an integral part of the Jewish story since our very birth as a people.
The problem is when the disagreements turn into ugly and divisive fights. At that point, it is the division itself that becomes the main story.
The problem is not the disagreements— those have been an integral part of the Jewish story since our very birth as a people. The problem is when the disagreements turn into ugly and divisive fights. At that point, it is the division itself that becomes the main story.
Is any disagreement worth tearing us apart?
Ask yourself: If a disagreement is not worth tearing apart your own family, why should it be worth tearing apart a community?
The physical isolation forced by the pandemic has surely made things worse. When you don’t meet people face to face, it’s a lot easier to throw venom at them. Digital screens, whether on social media or WhatApp groups or email, have made it easier to forget the social graces that nurture empathy and dignity.
If you have an interest in reducing the level of rancor in our communities and reinjecting empathy and dignity, I’d like to suggest five simple “rules” that might help us get there. And if your community is already swimming in harmony, look at them as an ounce of prevention.
Rule #1: If you give yourself the benefit of the doubt, give the other person the same treatment. So many fights break out because one side assumes the other side doesn’t mean well. You’re less likely to fight if you accept that the other person has their heart in the right place, just as you do.
Rule #2: If you hate being attacked in public, don’t do it with others. Nobody likes to be humiliated in public. But here’s the thing many people forget: When you go after someone on a Whatsapp group or on social media, that is exactly what you’re doing. However strongly you feel about an issue, the proper thing to do is to reach out privately, just as you’d like to be treated.
Rule #3: Consider the possibility that you don’t have all the information. I’ve noticed that everyone has one thing in common: We’re certain that we’re right. We also assume that we have all the information we need to arrive at that level of certainty. But chances are, we don’t. Very few people do. Before jumping into a confrontation, let’s be humble and try to seek out more information.
Rule #4: If you don’t get your way, don’t go into meltdown. For some inexplicable reason, many people feel that they must always get their way. So we fight and fight until we get our way. And if we don’t, a social volcano erupts, tearing apart communities. If we can’t make peace with the simple reality that we won’t always get our way, we are dooming our communities. Not every issue is life or death. There’s nothing wrong about “agreeing to disagree” and, if we feel strongly enough, moving to other options. It’s only wrong when we do it with anger and spite.
Gossip tastes great, but so does greasy potato chips. It’s easy to sit around Shabbat tables and talk about the latest communal rumble… It’s harder, but more rewarding, to talk about things that will inspire those around you and spread a little joy.
Rule #5: When you’re around other people, serve up joy, not junk food. Gossip tastes great, but so does greasy potato chips. It’s easy to sit around Shabbat tables and talk about the latest communal rumble, or the latest gossip, or the latest thing that drives you nuts. It’s harder, but more rewarding, to talk about things that will inspire those around you and spread joy. The good news is that if you do, you’ll feel a lot better and you won’t end up with indigestion.
I said these rules were simple, but I didn’t say they were easy. Many go against human nature. As a start, maybe we can all try them for a week and see if they’re worth the effort.
At the very least, our families and communities will thank us.
