Satirical Semite: Dimitry Kalashnikov

Once upon a time it was considered respectable to spend time with a community of like-minded people, but in 2024 it is essential to show your diversity, prove you aren’t siloed in an echo chamber, and virtue signal to the best of your ability. As such, I’ve become best friends with a communist.

Dimitry Kalashnikov is one of my favorite imaginary friends, a 36-year-old Russian dissident who escaped Russia two years ago. “I love America!” he keeps repeating in his Bond-villain Moscovian accent. We occasionally have trouble conversing because Dima only has a Duolingo-Level-One grasp of English due to his half-hearted attempts “to learn the language of the capitalists,” but I’ll do my best to faithfully translate his words into coherent American colonial English. 

“At least America doesn’t pretend it isn’t doing political persecution of political opponents. Hurray for Showtrials, Showbiz, and Fantasy Convictions!! DA Alvin Bragg ran on an ‘elect me and I’ll lock up Trump’ campaign. Here in the land of the free, you are free to try and win elections by illegally disabling your opponent, pretending it is legal, and telling everyone you are doing it!!”

“I love America,” he said for the seventh time in eight minutes as we sat outside the Rockefeller Center, a quick five-block stroll from his Airbnb suite at Trump Tower. Dima poured vodka into his cream-topped iced coffee, turning the Americano into a White Russian. “Russia is so liberal when it comes to free speech, but here you get cancelled faster than you can say ‘Biden definitely has the mental fitness to be President!’”

“At least Russia has progressed, and Putin graciously executes his opponents like Navalny and Progozhin before getting unanimously elected for 25 years. But the United Chinese Soviet Republic of America? It’s a fun vintage throwback to early communism when the Romanov royals were killed, and our leaders would imprison political rivals! Biden can’t win so he gets lackeys to disable the opponent – did I tell you I love America?!”

I can’t stand Dimitry’s views. In full disclosure, I am a left-leaning multi-post-binary 6th-wave feminist, who voted for Hilary, Bernie, Obama, Al Gore, Mike Dukakis, Jimmy Carter and Monica Lewinsky’s boyfriend. Well, I would have done, if I actually had residency rather than just rolling temporary U.S. working visas that expire every three years.

Dima is also an election-denier (not in the way that Hilary denied losing the election blaming Russian interference – that doesn’t count. She’s amazing!). “Dima!” I implore. “This is a democracy! Joseph R. Biden is the democratically-elected president!” “Okay, Marcusha, whatever. Next thing, you’re going to tell me that the elections weren’t influenced by all the fake news coverage of the disproven Russiagate, and burying the Hunter Biden story? I suppose you’re going to tell me that Obama isn’t secretly running the show?” “Correct!” I respond. 

“Marcusha, you’re an idiot.” “That’s very rude insulting me in my own newspaper column,” I replied. 

As we say in our progressive TikTok groups, I’m offended. I’ve left it in because I strongly believe in free speech, and that the First Amendment should be vigorously upheld at all times, unless of course you are the defendant in a New York case and facing the death penalty due to an error on your tax return.

Dimitry recently fell out with our mutual friends Jonny TenVax and his wife Chelsea Rodham. Chelsea only married Jonny because she was convinced he was infertile after having ten successive COVID vaccinations. In the end she was caught off-guard and has been consecutively pregnant for the last four years and produced three sets of triplets; Reagan, Bush, Dubya, Donny, Donaldina, Barron, Melania, Ivanka and Jared. Still, she did an “abortion offset” and sponsored a pregnancy-termination at Planned Parenthood, with one donation for each child.

I’m going to keep trying to Americanize my friend Dimitry, encourage him to see the beauty of Western values, and convince him that CNN is not an acronym for “Communist News Network.” 

I’m going to keep trying to Americanize my friend Dimitry, encourage him to see the beauty of Western values, and convince him that CNN is not an acronym for “Communist News Network.” Who knows, perhaps one day he’ll even donate to a wholesome cause like Drag Queen Story Hour for preschools. Together we really can make America great again. In the meantime, Long Live Free Speech!

Marcus J Freed is an actor & founder of the Jewish Filmmakers Network. On social @marcusjfreed and www.marcusjfreed.comhttp://www.marcusjfreed.com