Can We Retire the Word “Shiksa”?

In my junior year of college, I dated a Jewish man named Lucas. Things were going well. We’d go out to the movies and restaurants and I even met his parents. I knew they liked me. 

But his sister didn’t.

One night, Lucas and I were talking, and he suddenly remembered something and giggled.

“What?” I asked. 

“Well, my sister told me that shiksas are just for practice.” 

I immediately felt a knot in my stomach. 

I really liked Lucas. We were seriously dating. I had revealed my insecurities and my secrets and my hopes and dreams to him. 

But now, with that one sentence, I felt like it all meant nothing. I was just some woman he could have some fun with and use until he found a nice Jewish woman to marry. 

Before this happened, I never liked the word “shiksa.” I didn’t identify with it, even though all the men I had dated were Jewish. It was never an issue. My other boyfriends’ family members didn’t bring it up. One family invited me for Passover. Another told me how much they enjoyed my company. “Shiksa” sounded like a slur to me. 

If you google “shiksa,” here is the definition: “(used especially by Jewish people) a gentile girl or woman” and “He’s got a big blonde on his arm – a shiksa no less.”  Urban Dictionary says, “The term derives from the Hebrew word ‘sheketz,’ meaning the flesh of an animal deemed taboo by the Torah.” 

Just because I liked Jewish men, it didn’t mean that I deserved to be reduced to this.

The shiksa narrative in the Jewish community places non-Jewish women on a pedestal. If the hope is to encourage Jewish men to marry Jewish women, why do we perpetuate the fantasy of the shiksa? Why is it acceptable for Jewish men to have their “fun” for a little bit and then come back and marry a nice Jewish woman? That’s not realistic; I’m sure that many Jewish men never do return to their roots. It probably causes a lot of pain.  

If the hope is to encourage Jewish men to marry Jewish women, why do we perpetuate the fantasy of the shiksa?

When I started dating my husband Daniel, he was Jewish and I was not. I learned that it’s so important for a Jewish man to marry a Jewish woman not only to keep the religion and tradition alive, but also because Judaism traditionally goes through the mother. Practically, it made sense; you always know who the mother is. 

Daniel’s family didn’t call me a shiksa. Instead, they invited me to their home for Shabbat and holidays and explained Jewish laws to me. It was important to my husband that he marry a Jewish woman, but at first, he didn’t want to get married. I didn’t put any pressure on him. So it wasn’t an issue. 

Thankfully, the problem never came up, because once he took me to a Chabad for Friday night dinner early on in our relationship, I was hooked on Judaism. The Chabad rabbi knew I wasn’t Jewish, but he was so kind and warm to me that it made me want to look more into this beautiful religion. I ended up studying Judaism for five years and converted through an Orthodox beit din before Daniel and I got married. 

Think about this: If a woman keeps dating Jewish men, she may have Jewish DNA or a Jewish soul, which is what I learned – every Jewish soul, including the souls of converts, were at Sinai and received the Torah. 

And even if she isn’t Jewish and doesn’t want to become Jewish, calling her a derogatory name is wrong. If parents are upset that their son is dating a non-Jewish woman, there are much better ways to go about talking about this subject other than putting down the woman or saying he is just going through a phase and getting it out of his system. Approaching this touchy subject with compassion and understanding is key. 

Treating every person with love and respect is a huge aspect of our religion. How we treat our fellow man or woman, Jewish or not, is just as important as how we treat Hashem. With every single one of our interactions, we need to remember the golden rule, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” and conduct ourselves accordingly. 

I’d love to hear what you think! Email me at KylieOl@JewishJournal.com.

Kylie Ora Lobell is the Community Editor of the Jewish Journal.