Renewal: Finding Courage to Reinvent Yourself

On a magical Friday night I was the solitary Shabbat guest at the home of newlyweds I adore. I was overcome with joy as she lit and blessed the candles and he chanted the blessings over the wine and her delicious, homemade challah.

Yet I was also awash in sadness, yearning for a partner to fill the empty seat and plate they set next to me “just in case” I had met someone.

As I stared at the empty plate, I realized I have no room in my life for him … yet.

I’ve been open. Recently friends have made introductions. I’ve chatted with a few amazing men, but I get similar feedback.

After a lovely chat with one who was excited to meet, he texted me, “We’ve met before. Based on that, we’re not a good match. I went to one of your Shabbat dinners. I recall this brilliant, beautiful, overwhelmingly busy woman and that was before knowing you have three kids. I can’t see how there’s room in your life for me.”

If you want something in your life, you have to create space for it.

This is a growing revelation I’ve begun to embrace, but I haven’t gone far enough.

This past week in an attempt to change the energy in my home to attract romantic love, I donated my bedroom furniture and mattress to a young couple I met through the Gmach,The Jewish Gift Closet. The couple lives humbly and were grateful for the donation only days before their modest wedding.

After the couple left, I sat on the floor of my empty bedroom. I meditated on their essence and my other newlywed friends. Their energy is calm with an expansive space of hope, wonder and possibility.

I realize the energy I’ve had since my divorce in 2014 is diametrically different. My energy has been a frenetic sprint away from loneliness. I wasn’t brave enough to sit alone in the quiet next to an empty seat, embracing emunah (faith in G-d) that at the right time my partner will emerge.

Instead, for the last five years I created a safe space for other older Jewish singles to find connection, joy and love through “Audrey’s Tent” (an invitation-only Facebook group for Jewish singles over 35). We’ve grown to over 613 members. I’ve hosted countless Shabbat and Jewish holiday celebrations, usually in my backyard. I’m grateful for the incredible friendships we created and the many couples who met and fell in love in the Tent.

One recent Shabbat morning as I rushed to set up my garden to host 50 Audrey’s Tent guests for a Sabbath lunch and Torah study, I realized I no longer want to do this alone.  Besides G-d, I want a loving partner to design our Shabbat. Maybe it’s only us, or maybe it’s five or 50 guests, but we’ll decide together. We will co-create how to make our holy day of rest beautiful and sweet.

I feel the shift. It’s time. It’s time to let go of Audrey’s Tent in order to make space for the next chapter of my life, which includes a co-creator.

Audrey’s Tent was essentially an ego-driven idea, even though it was a play on my Hebrew name, Avrahama (the biblical Abraham’s Tent was open to all). I’ve learned that “EGO” stands for “Edge G-d Out.” I now want to embody humility to make space to collaborate with the divine, and with that, divine-inspired love will emerge.

But I won’t simply walk away. I’ll host one more big Audrey’s Tent event on Saturday August 28: a community Bondalah (Bonfire plus Havdalah) closing ceremony on the beach. I’ll create a sacred space to say goodbye and make room for what comes next (the next iteration of our community will be revealed by its next leader).

I’m scared to make the change because I don’t want to let my community down. Yet there always comes a time when a leader must step down to allow others to step up.

I’m scared to make the change because I don’t want to let my community down. Yet there always comes a time when a leader must step down to allow others to step up.

As I seek the chizuk (strength) to make the change, I look to Jewish wisdom for the inspiration to reinvent myself.

In Pirkei Avot, we find that “Everything is foreseen, yet the freedom of choice is given.” What this means is that G-d gives us free choice to make decisions, and we must act. This Mishnah provides the courage to become a different person. Even though G-d knows what we will do (everything is foreseen), it should not be an obstacle to our will to change.

I hesitate to end Audrey’s Tent because it’s become part of my Jewish communal identity. But this teaching empowers me to move past my spiritual paralysis based on how others see me. I have free will to evolve and G-d has my back.

As we approach Rosh Hashanah, we take stock of our life and what we want to change. If you’re feeling courageous, you may consider how you might reinvent yourself.

But reinventing yourself does not have to be a grand gesture. It’s the smallest shifts that have the biggest impact. Simply choosing to give up what no longer serves you—whether it’s alcohol, toxic friends, or social media—can elevate and transform your life.

The true essence of reinvention is to remove what no longer works in order to make space for what does. That’s not scary. As you prepare for the Jewish New Year, I wish you chizuk to identify what you want to let go of and what you want to embrace.

Shana tova umetuka!

Audrey Jacobs is a financial adviser and has three sons.