Satirical Semite: Living the Dream

When asking someone in Los Angeles “how are you?” the traditional response is to smile, light up regardless of what you are feeling inside and answer, “living the dream.” A British Sunday Times news feature recently reported that this exchange also happens frequently in another setting: a federal prison.

One thing I love about the City of Dreams is that it is full of like-minded people who pursue their passions, increase their creative output and aren’t afraid to tell you about it. Los Angeles is an exciting place to live, where even the dull days are interesting. Music venues reveal the latest bands, storefront theatres become screening rooms for independent films and strip malls frequently feature the latest popup fashion store with a new food truck showing off the latest fusion cuisine. There is, however, one secret place where you may get exposed to new music, screenplays and fresh talent, whether you want it or not — in the back seat of an Uber.

Many Los Angeles drivers are in the entertainment industry, and if you book a ride for 10 miles across town during rush hour, you can spend those 90 minutes listening to everything the driver says. There is something honorable about driving to complete an honest day’s work, which so many people do as their side hustle en route to artistic success.

Hollywood rideshares can be an illuminating experience. I once met a white-haired ponytailed driver in his mid-60s whose father was an actor in an iconic 1980s television drama. He grew up with celebrities around the house, had a great screenplay and asked me if I knew any executives to whom I could pass it on. He was still awaiting his big break, but how long do you wait?

Another grey-haired driver was the son of a world-famous television presenter and had a display of albums on the back pocket of the passenger seat, including free CDs of his music. If only he also gave out free CD players on which to play them.

I wanted to help both of these guys with their image and look younger, so I sat behind the driver’s seat with a tub of peroxide and a brush and reached forward to dye their hair black while we were stuck in traffic. In the interests of COVID-19 safety, I then sprayed the back seats and windows with chlorine — in case there was any harmful bacteria — and fired my blowtorch at all metallic surfaces before leaving their car. You can never be too careful.

Jeff Goins’ bestselling book, “Real Artists Don’t Starve,” describes how the image of a starving artist is a myth — presumably created by another artist — and how there are strategies to thrive while you are creating. A researcher discovered 500 year-old bank receipts and found that Michelangelo was a multimillionaire and the richest artist of the Renaissance. That can be an inspiration to us all. A great strategy is to be a multimillionaire while creating art. Simple. I wish I had been given that tipoff when first arriving at LAX. Presumably Renaissance Italy wasn’t big on horse-drawn Ubers, although I’m sure Michelangelo could have made a killing selling hand-painted customized wagons.

A great strategy is to be a multimillionaire while creating art.

I had a wild fantasy in my mid-twenties, which was the ethereal goal of becoming an accountant. Apart from my lack of numerical skills, getting easily bored by spreadsheets and easily distracted when bored, it would be the perfect match.

Alas, not all dreams come true. Instead, I toured various countries performing as an actor and often had a great time in the process. You can’t win them all. I can, however, still dream of being happy with QuickBooks, despite finding it exceptionally slow. Perhaps I could do the books for municipal waste and sanitation services, which would be a great place to get my hands dirty.

Personally, the creative urge has always been too strong, although creative accounting could be an option, like working for the Mafia or indulging in the great white collar crime tradition of a financial pyramid scheme. The rewards can be high, and you may even get to live expense-free for several years with every meal catered, albeit in a federal prison. If you desire it, you’ll be living the dream.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, author, filmmaker and marketing consultant. Check out his latest creative escapades at www.youtube.com/c/marcusjfreed. He will be releasing The Hebrew Hamilton on my Youtube channel at the end of February.