By Tricia Nykin
As I sit here and ponder the words that I choose to share today, I am reminded of an ongoing theme in my life; do I give you truth or a story that slightly veers off that path, but may be more appealing?
This past Saturday I organized the screening of a film at Beit T'Shuvah. I viewed and reflected on the film, and was deeply moved by it. The theme was that of truth. First acknowledging your truth and then following through with the actions dictated by that truth. In the film the actions made were such that an entire community ostracized a man. The question then becomes: is following your truth and living in integrity a road you or I can take when it goes against popular belief and leads to potential criticism?
For many years I quieted my opinions so much I could no longer hear them. I acted and spoke in such a way that was pleasing to you, taking little to no consideration for my own organic thoughts. This served me to some degree, but of course, I lost myself in the process. I became too overwhelmed and exhausted to be the “Tricia” that I thought you wanted. It did not even occur to me that it may not be “Tricia” who you were looking for, but simply just me.
Since beginning my recovery a year and a half ago, this has been my biggest struggle. This struggle began not with me questioning my truth, but with me learning to listen to the voice that I so aggressively quieted many years ago. I began to hear her again. However, hearing my truth was only the first step. The struggle grew into insecurity, “Will they like me, if they know the real me?” In dealing with this fight a wise mentor told me, “Living in integrity is being able to walk down the street with your head held high, because you know that you're doing the right thing, whether others agree or not.” These words resonated with me and became my motto. My next step was taking the next right indicated action, listening to my inner voice, and living in integrity. Often throughout the day I would check my motives and make sure they are congruent with my authentic voice. Over time this has become easier.
Over the past year and a half I have learned to hear my truth and follow through, but there are times when the decisions I make are such of potential ridicule. I recently had a situation in my life that called for extensive soul searching. It becomes very hard to hear your own voice when there are so many other opinions drowning it out. This became a pinnacle moment in my life and recovery. As I quieted down the noise outside to hear my own truth, the decision I came to was not one of popular belief. The question then became; can I take this road? The answer for me was yes. All I have is my truth, my integrity, and my authentic self. If I choose not to follow my voice of honesty, I jeopardize honoring myself and lose my ability to walk down the street with my head held high. So, as I sit here and ponder the inspirational words I choose to share today, I am reminded of this theme in my life of truth versus presentation, and just as the character in the film chose truth, today, so do I.
I remain addicted to redemption by honoring and listening to my truth. I ask you, the community, to follow yours as well. At the end of the day, this must remain our guiding force.
