Can We Bring Civility Back?

As we all watch with trepidation what’s happening in Israel, where the arguments over the judicial over-haul have been ugly and divisive, and as the political rhetoric here continues to escalate with a former president issuing death threats, many of us are no doubt wondering how we’re going to get through our Passover seders if we’re seated between those who may consider us enemy combatants.

It’s not an unreasonable concern. With the 24/7 news cycle, the media — and many politicians — have learned to shout “fire” every five seconds to get our attention. Added to this is social media, which is primed to trigger our fight or flight reactions. We’ve become conditioned to see no distinction between our personal and political identities, so everything becomes immediately personal 

We’ve become conditioned to see no distinction between our personal and political identities, so everything becomes immediately personal.

Many of us have become more intolerant and judgmental in general. Living in cities like New York and Los Angeles, we’ve been traumatized by the past three years in ways we’re just beginning to understand. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Arguments can break out over the smallest things. New Yorkers coped with the lockdowns and riots by spending as much time as possible in Central Park. But even there we weren’t free from the rage of the triple-masked hurling insults at toddlers whose masks just happened to drop below the nose for a second or two.

Many have accepted anti-civility as the new normal. In fact, those on the extremes of both sides have convinced themselves that perpetual rage is the norm. For them, this culture war is actual war — and they will say and do whatever it takes to win. 

Sometimes we don’t realize how bad things have gotten until we are forced to remember how life used to be. My son and I recently took a vacation with two other families. Somewhat of a miracle happened: politics were barely mentioned for an entire week. At a time when you typically can’t get through a dinner or even a phone call without a political argument breaking out, we all went the entire week and talked about — gasp! — other things. And no one tried to inappropriately politicize those other things. 

When a political incident occurred in the news, we calmly discussed it. Our reactions were roughly the same; if somebody felt differently, he or she didn’t feel the absolute need to voice that opinion, let alone crucify the rest of us for not agreeing. 

It was all very last century, and in stark contrast with what’s going on in the rest of our lives. 

Wherever each of us stands on today’s distorted political spectrum, we all have multiple reasons to be angry right now — from the lies and cover-ups of the pandemic to woke illiberalism infiltrating many aspects of our lives. And for Jews, facing an alarming level of antisemitism from all sides, even more so.

Civility — including civil discourse — is essential for a functioning democracy. It’s not icing on the cake: It’s part of the cake itself. And when civility is lost, so is a part of our humanity.

But what’s been lost in all of this is that civility — including civil discourse — is essential for a functioning democracy. It’s not icing on the cake: It’s part of the cake itself. And when civility is lost, so is a part of our humanity.

What do we do? First we need to understand how significant this is — both for a democracy and our own emotional health. In the midst of writing this essay, I found out that a friend from Facebook had passed away at 43. I knew he struggled with various issues, so I checked in on him a lot. But we had disagreed over something in the late fall, so I wasn’t checking in as often as I had. I will never forgive myself for allowing that argument to affect our friendship.

Fixing the problem is twofold: one, understanding the Enlightenment principles that have been undermined in the past couple of decades, allowing outrage and tribalism to dominate. And two, accepting that it is up to each of us — not the government — to do the fixing.

With rights come responsibility

One of the most important principles to disappear is: with rights come responsibility. Sure, we have the right to free speech — but that comes with the responsibility of civil discourse. Just because we can do something — publicly humiliate anyone who goes off narrative, for example — doesn’t mean we should.

Sure, we have the right to free speech — but that comes with the responsibility of civil discourse.

The Founders viewed adult Americans as adults: Able to self-regulate both our speech and behavior. The assumption was that only a small minority would not be able to interact like responsible adults. One can only imagine what the Founders would think of Twitter.

The personal is not political

The second principle is that our lives are not defined by our politics: the personal is not political.

The phrase “the personal is political” emerged in the late ‘60s as part of second-wave feminism. Every aspect of a woman’s life was declared political. By the ‘90s, the mainstream declared that every aspect of life in general is political — from art and film to food and sports. 

This extreme politicization corroded society. By making everything political, by turning our politics into our identities, everything became ripe for argument and every disagreement felt like a personal attack. Another even more destructive aspect has arisen in the past couple of decades: all change needs to be mandated by the government. And there’s been nothing too personal to mandate — from pronoun usage to removing parental control over our kids’ bodies. 

By mandating every aspect of our lives, there’s been a natural response of anger. The right now politicizes everything as much as the left. And the far right has now begun to weaponize that anger, often against Jews. Extremism breeds extremism.

Individuality

The third principle that’s been lost is individuality. We are each unique and complex — as different from each other as leaves on a tree. Individuals are part of larger identities, of course, but we remain individuals nonetheless. 

The corollary is that parties or identities are not cults: we can disagree. Much of today’s left completely misunderstands this aspect of classical liberalism. Classical liberalism is based on a set of principles, and we can derive different opinions and policies from those principles: it’s called pluralism.

Being able to criticize someone in your own party or identity is a key step. It was during the Obama years that everything became an all-or-nothing package. Even if you voted for Obama — and continued to like him — you weren’t allowed to voice any criticism. Voicing even the smallest criticism came to mean that you were against him and thus racist.

The stronger we become in our own uniqueness, the less likely we are to rely on our group identities or political parties for self-esteem. And once we make that giant step back to individuality, the less we will take criticism of our groups or parties personally — and lash out in response.

The stronger we become in our own uniqueness, the less likely we are to rely on our group identities or political parties for self-esteem. And once we make that giant step back to individuality, the less we will take criticism of our groups or parties personally — and lash out in response.

Look inward

Thus, the first step in restoring civil discourse is to look inward. Would things get a lot better quickly if social media disappeared and a certain ex-president realized that for the good of the country he needs to exit the political stage? Of course. But, sadly, neither is going to happen. So that means each of us has to find and strengthen our best selves to be able to deal with the continued extremism with grace and dignity. 

When COVID first hit, I was the calm person in the room. Having just been through an ugly divorce, I had no emotional energy left to be stressed or neurotic. As the restrictions mounted and the riots tore through NYC, that soon changed. And then my dad, the rock of my life, passed away. I began to realize just how much I had leaned on him for strength. It was finally time to develop my own. 

Stoic resilience is in fact what the “Greatest Generation” is known for. Duty, responsibility, discipline — all took precedence over their own emotional needs. Indeed, control of one’s emotions was considered essential for the greater good of the country.

What we’ve been living through is measurably different from a major depression and a world war, but not by much. Have we become weaker — as a people — in the past 70 years? Or have certain factors, aside from social media, made us more susceptible to indulging our worst instincts? There’s no question that the decline of religion and spirituality has played a major role. Religion for many offered a way to act, to talk, to be.

In Judaism, our character and how we relate to each other is primary. A single act of chessed  — lovingkindness — is believed to have the power to change a life forever. 

There’s also been a decline of manners — mores — in general. As our culture continues to dip into vulgar mode — from nude selfies to crotch-grabbing Super Bowl shows — the way we behave has taken a nosedive. Narcissism is trendy. In New York, we often stare in disbelief at how some young people in particular deal with the outside world. The most basic manners — from giving your seat to an elderly person to not slamming a door into a stroller — appear to be missing from their repertoire.

Finally, there’s the cyclical relationship between self-esteem and rage. The need to politicize and argue about everything, to take everything to its illogical extreme — ruining friendships and familial relationships in the process — stems in good part from social media, which encourages hyperemotional reactions, but it also stems from low self-esteem. We all know that bullies of any age are the most insecure. Verbal bullies are no different: the more insecure the ego, the less it can tolerate differences.

The principles of nature

In the first few months of the lockdowns, my son and I would spend long hours in Central Park. He would marvel at how well the birds and the squirrels dealt with the breadcrumbs he offered them. Why didn’t they get into constant fights, he would ask. I began to explain my theories about the underlying principles of nature; he listened, not having much choice in the matter. Theories about nature typically get reduced to “survival of the fittest.” That’s one aspect, but what rarely gets discussed are the elements that lead to that and often supersede it. 

We studied the trees quite a bit and discussed the expression “wisdom of the trees.” 

Trees weather the seasons by being well grounded with a solid trunk: strong, unwavering, resilient. Their branches are more susceptible to breaking — but a broken branch doesn’t lead to a broken tree. And their leaves — each one unique — show us the beauty of individuality.

As humans, we have no choice but to solidify our own “trunks.” Contrary to hip woke ideology, our self-esteem doesn’t come from the color of our skin or the causes we champion. We have to build it the old-fashioned way, through acts of kindness and work that builds self-respect.

What’s not commonly known is that dignity is an extension of the Enlightenment concept of inalienable rights: the right of each person to be valued and respected for his or her own sake, and to be treated ethically. 

What does all of this add up to? Dignity. What’s not commonly known is that dignity is an extension of the Enlightenment concept of inalienable rights: the right of each person to be valued and respected for his or her own sake, and to be treated ethically. The flip side, again, is responsibility: being treated with dignity presupposes that we each act with the responsibility to be dignified with others.

After spending innumerable hours in Central Park, I’ve come to believe that nature offers us the most cogent path forward. Surviving in nature isn’t defined by just a killer instinct. It also implies an ability to coexist — no matter how ugly the weather or the dearth of food. Now humans have to relearn how to coexist with people who are different from us, no matter how ugly the politics or the dearth of reason and truth.

Nourish the soul

To help elevate each of us — to bring out our best selves as individuals — we need to also begin to renourish our souls. You can have a strong trunk, but as humans if our souls aren’t nourished that strength can go south. 

It’s not a coincidence that precisely what nourishes the soul — creativity, spirituality, appreciation of beauty, values, morals — is missing today.

A nourished soul creates inner peace. It allows for faith — trust, hope in G-d — and gratitude. It helps us accept our own imperfections, life’s imperfections, and the imperfections of others: we become less judgmental. 

It allows us to aim for meaning and joy, not superficial happiness.

All of this helps us to become the best versions of ourselves, and when we feel good about ourselves we have no need for external validation — no need to rage, defame others, or take incessant selfies.

Respectful dialogue

The elephant in the room — social media — is literally geared to bring out the worst in us. Hyperbole — an easy way to get attention — provokes extremist ideas and impulsive, rageful reactions. Twenty-four/seven usage creates addiction leading to isolation. Filtered selfies cause depression and self-harm among young women. 

The more time you spend on social media, the more reactive and in need of external validation you become. Since it is very hard to rise above these instincts, limiting our time on social media is essential. Or using it to focus on art or nature and steering clear of politics. 

But what about those of us who want to defend Israel, classical liberal values, our country? How do we engage without becoming consumed? Disengaging with anyone unwilling or incapable of arguing respectfully is key. And the disengagement does need to be immediate, before our fight instincts kick in. 

When the Trump/Kanye/Fuentes episode went down, many of us were faced with a new frontier in the ideological war we’ve been fighting for sanity. Diehard Trump fans viciously attacked us for the misdeed of saying an ex-president shouldn’t have broken bread with two raging antisemites.

Maybe it was the way they had attacked — mean, trolling attempts to humiliate — but I began to see the attackers as insecure kids who need to demean others to feel better about themselves. I began to respond to the venom unemotionally. I respectfully asked for respectful discourse — I calmly used phrases like “I think you’re misunderstanding my view.” But most couldn’t tone down their verbiage, so I simply disengaged from them. 

It was liberating. I didn’t have to spend hours arguing with people who had no intention of engaging in civil discourse. The few who were able to “agree to disagree” are still in my life; the others are not. Not coincidentally, their incessant need to prove their superiority mirrors Trump’s juvenile name-calling and rants. 

Lack of bravery — an obsession with status and conformity — also stems from insecurity. When I first began to defend Israel publicly in 2014, I was quickly disappointed, less with virtue-signaling leftists than with people who I knew were “private Zionists” but refused to say anything publicly. Because many of them were in positions to reverse the tide — professors, editors, writers — I became increasingly frustrated with their lack of courage. I tried every possible way to inspire them to be brave, but nothing worked.

I was rewarded for my efforts by being blocked by friends of 20-plus years. I was essentially told by these status-obsessed friends that by publicly defending Israel I was “embarrassing” them — being friends with me could hurt their chances of getting invites to important cocktail parties. 

The Talmud instructs us to judge everyone favorably. It is certainly a good starting point, and knowing that verbal bullying typically stems from low self-esteem allows us to feel some level of compassion for the bullies.

But compassion doesn’t mean that we have to be their victims. Just as with physical abuse, the only healthy response to people incapable of civility is to disengage. It won’t stop them from abusing others, but if everyone begins to disengage, they soon will be left to rant alone, which will hopefully lead to some level of introspection. Arguing respectfully begins with thinking before you speak or write. That pause allows your brain to override your emotions. 

The next step, which, again, can only be done with someone who equally desires civil dialogue, is to try to understand the other side, even if you already understand and disagree. Politely ask questions. Perhaps, most importantly, make sure that your perspective is steeped in facts. 

Facts are not popular these days. We moved from objective truth to subjective truth to partisan truth to anti-truth. But one of the first rules of opinion journalism is that you can’t make an argument without facts. In a sense, we’ve all become opinion journalists. And as all young writers used to be told, if you don’t have facts to back up your argument, you shouldn’t be arguing. 

Facts prevent sweeping generalizations. Facts allow you to not make anything personal, or to take things personally. Facts enable you to detach emotionally. As Ben Shapiro now famously put it, “facts don’t care about your feelings.”

We need to relearn how to agree to disagree. You can vehemently disagree with someone — but, as the Talmud teaches us through the epic debates between Hillel and Shammai, you don’t need to show that vehemence. Because your self-esteem is not tied to “winning” this argument.

Should there be a “don’t talk politics with family” rule? I think it depends on the family. Some people, especially right now, are going to be incapable of civil discourse — to discuss political issues unemotionally. And if that’s the case, it is far better to not engage. 

Finally, accept people’s limitations. I had to accept that some people — who might be very successful in their careers — are not brave. Yelling at them to speak up not only doesn’t work, it’s counterproductive.

The wisdom of the trees

In the old days, manners and civil discourse began in the home and were then reinforced at school and places of worship. It’s also believed that clothing — uniforms or simply elegant suits and dresses — served as guideposts to maintain a more elegant demeanor. It was rare to see someone dressed elegantly, especially in an elegant environment, behave uncivilly.

But today, no matter how rigorously we discipline our children, they are inundated with anti-civil videos, songs, and speech. My son, now 13, talks “gangsta” with his friends. It’s an uphill battle to get him to switch gears but not impossible. Without guideposts, the job of parents today is not only harder but more important.

Children still learn the most from the role models closest to them. If they hear us talk in condescending tones, demean others in discussions or arguments, they will too.

One of the more disturbing things I noticed about the bullies on the right is a latent sexism. I was called “honey,” and multiple times the bullies insinuated that  — as a woman — I’m just not smart enough to understand. I can only imagine how they talk to their wives and kids.

But sometimes, when you least expect it, kindness emerges, perhaps to remind us not to lose hope. In our apartment building, one never expects anyone under a certain age to, for instance, hold the elevator door open for you. The other night, I was struggling with three bags of groceries when an arm reached out of the elevator to hold it open. That arm belonged to a young man who smiled gently at the shocked expression on my face when I thanked him. “Some people are good people,” he said, with the soulful wisdom of a rabbi. Indeed, though I’m eager to ask his parents the secret to raising a gentleman in today’s cultural chaos.

So what are our new guideposts? I’m all for bringing back elegant clothing and elegant interiors, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. One thing we can focus on are the public figures who are able to maintain dignity. Nikki Haley comes to mind, as does Barack Obama. But there are simply too many Marjorie Taylor Greenes, eager to bring out the worst in everyone. 

So how do we get civility to trend? Calling for a revolution always gets attention — but I think it’s going to be hard to make civility look cool when mores of any kind are considered old-school, corny, and even a sign of “white” oppression.

So I return here to nature — to the wisdom of the trees. Confidence, a solid, resilient trunk, tends to naturally lead to civility, and it’s self-reinforcing. 

So I return here to nature — to the wisdom of the trees. Confidence, a solid, resilient trunk, tends to naturally lead to civility, and it’s self-reinforcing. When you act with dignity, you not only feel better about yourself, you also feel closer to G-d. And that feeling is the strongest possible reinforcement there is.

Karen Lehrman Bloch is editor in chief of White Rose Magazine.