In my 40 years of leading High Holy Days services, many people have given me reasons for why they were at Yom Kippur services, even though they are nonbelievers. Each year, congregants approach me and tell me they are excited for Yom Kippur because it is “the annual meeting of the Jewish people.” Some congregants say they enjoy “being in the presence of their community.” Others tell me they “don’t believe in God, sin or a God who punishes,” but they “still belong at services.”
We may have been deceiving ourselves these past 40 years — and possibly much, much longer. Yom Kippur isn’t the annual meeting of the Jewish people. We don’t sit around tables and decide policy; we typically sit quietly with books in our hands and listen. Nor is God the entire reason for being there; if that were the case, then why would nonbelievers bother to show up? And if we celebrated Yom Kippur just to be around other people, then is the day canceled for those of us quarantining? What, then, is the point of participating in Yom Kippur services?
I think the answer lies in the vast number of ways people have experienced the recent shutdown. We have not only distanced, we have also experienced inwardness: People have learned new skills and practiced old ones, read and reread great books, watched amazing TV shows and movies, and created great work with podcasts, YouTube, TikTok and other platforms. We have scheduled time to talk in groups and one on one with our friends. There have been Zoom minyans, Zoom weddings, Zoom study groups and Zoom counseling. People have told me they are amazed at the depth of the other people in their online groups, whom they never would have met had it not been for social distancing.
We also have become much closer to Judaism. I’ve heard only a few people say they won’t attend an online High Holy Days service. Instead, many of us are turning inward — as we have in our day-to-day lives — to the High Holy Days. We don’t want a screen-sized version of services; we want services that will match our deep experiences from these past months.
Most of us know we belong at services, even from a distance. Even if we are not sure what to believe, we are drawn there. Because so much of the familiarity of Yom Kippur is not there — the physicality, the immediacy — it seems we are more ready than ever to experience the true meaning of Yom Kippur. We are prepared to seek depth.
What are those depths? If we take into account the power of the liturgy, the Kol Nidre, the many confessionals, the constant sense of urgency to do teshuvah, we see an insistent push to face the parts of us that hide and resist change. We see a push to go deep.
On this deepest day of the Jewish year, at the core of our souls, we seek to confront our inner disruptions — the darkest, scariest parts of ourselves — and carve paths to truer, authentic selves. The High Holy Days are what set us on the path to do the digging.
Rosh Hashanah begins the work. Yom Kippur seals it. But only if you are willing to go deep.
‘Deeper’ is different for each person
A deeper Yom Kippur depends on how honest and courageous we can be with ourselves. For each person, a deeper Yom Kippur will look different. We all have depth, and we all have distinct things in our depths: brilliant coral reefs but also stark, lonely sunken ships; prayers never uttered; lives yet to be lived; words we can’t take back, tossed into the deep. These depths are unavoidable. If not salvaged, they will haunt us.
For me, the basis of Yom Kippur is that the day assumes things are hiding in your depths. Maybe you know what they are, and maybe you don’t. One of God’s names on Yom Kippur is “Chacham Ha-Razim,” “Wise to the Secrets.” Even if you don’t believe in God, you can suspend your disbelief for a moment and know God is on to you. On this day, there is nowhere to hide.
Consider Jonah, the book we read on Yom Kippur. Jonah took a ship to run from God, and a storm threatened to sink the ship until the sailors threw him overboard. Eventually, Jonah ended up in Nineveh, whether he liked it or not.
Even if you don’t believe in God, you can suspend your disbelief for a moment and know God is on to you. On this day, there is nowhere to hide.
We are not as lucky as Jonah. God will not chase us down. We can avoid our spiritual work, shut our ears, avoid the voice, close our eyes and not see the truth. I have — and I’m sure you have — met people like that. Those who are not wise to the truth of who they are. Other people, however, can see through them. Other people can see through you, too.
On Yom Kippur, imagine God sees you. You show up to services, physically or virtually, to be seen. We belong to people who, at least once year, agree not to hide, not to run, but rather, to go deep.
Digging for true depth
Yet feeling deeply on Yom Kippur is not the same thing as depth. We all feel things deeply. We are deeply angry, afraid and confused, and maybe feel some dread about the things going on outside of us. There truly are great problems to solve, social justice issues to work out and political agendas to pursue.
I can tell you, though, what every counselor knows about these difficult times: People are suffering, and politics play no favorites. I counsel people of just about every mainstream political view. Their opinions on how to repair the world differ, but their suffering is pretty much the same: trouble in relationships, especially spouses and teenagers; internal senses of anxiety, fear, hatred, anger and resentment; alcohol and drug abuse; severe domestic strife — the list goes on. And even if these issues are not happening to you, they are happening to someone close to you, and we seek the wisdom to help. We have a day for that.
The issues you are passionate about will continue to go on, even if you think about something else for the 24 hours of Yom Kippur. There are things at stake within us that will determine our well-being until we change. Ignore what is happening in you at your peril.
Perhaps start by focusing on your family or friends. Maybe you don’t quite know what they’re thinking or feeling. Maybe you close your eyes or shut your ears because if you really knew what they are going through or how they perceive you, you’d have to change your life. Or maybe you’d be grateful for the opportunity to change. The Jewish tradition has a day for that.
Someone once asked me how they can indulge going in deep with all the dreadful things going on out there. I instructed this person to imagine they are walking a scabrous path through the time and terrain of our lives. Under this terrain, though, miners are digging a shaft deep inside of you — and they have found a precious stone. Astonishingly precious. With this stone, you can see the secret of your soul and see into the Heart of the Universe. Through this precious, crystalline quartz, the Heart of the Universe makes its love known to you, and knows you have arrived.
How do you find this mineshaft? You start by creating a clearing. Our lives are full of debris and clutter. Misspent emotions of anger, resentment and fear pile up. Debris consisting of lack of empathy, resistance to grieving and moving on, not forgiving or forgiving too quickly. Stubbornness and procrastination. Taking on irrational obligations. Giving in to destructive guilt. Being an addict or an enabler. Not holding back your tongue. There is litter of being needlessly hurt and defensive because others are needlessly insensitive and hurtful. But look over yonder — you might see someone else making a clearing on Yom Kippur, too.
Many people don’t want to call these inner disruptions “sins” because, they tell me, “Jews don’t believe in sin; just in missing the mark, missing the target.” But just because someone doesn’t believe in something doesn’t make it untrue. If we don’t face our disruptions, they can make our relationships with others and ourselves toxic. Our paths to transformation begin by clearly identifying our disruptions and marshaling up a tenacious and unremitting will to change our lives.
Let’s take God out of the equation for a moment. Even without an idea of God, imagine there is the most authentic version of you just beyond the horizon. It is a version living your deepest values — not just having them, but being them. It is a you beyond the horizon, without excuses. Clear — with integrity, humility, wisdom and depth. Now list what stops you from becoming that person you have yet to become. We gather on Yom Kippur — physically or virtually, but certainly spiritually — to share our lists, share our sadness, and share our hopes for the future.
Try to identify what stops you from being your authentic self. It probably seems like bad habits. But when you attempt to change those habits, you will find they have dug in deep into “the shadow of yourself,” as Jungian tradition would say.
“Go ahead, try to change your habits,” a voice from the shadow laughs. Your bad habits will fight back. They don’t want to be changed. They’d rather destroy you, or at least your potential for becoming your authentic self. You are not just missing the target; something inside you is tearing apart that target.
A deeper Yom Kippur involves confronting your resistance to moral and spiritual excellence. With a deeper Yom Kippur, you will understand those obstacles as not just bad habits, but instead as an organized alienation from your true potential as a human being. In Judaism, we call that alienation the yetzer harah. The word “yetzer” is from the Hebrew word “to make” or “shape.” The yetzer harah, then, is a pattern with a will of its own, defying and resisting our highest values. It is an inner entropy, waiting for us to fall apart.
How to dig
How do we dig and find our true selves on Yom Kippur? One way is the confessional. Every speaker at a 12-step meeting begins with a confession: “I am an alcoholic”; “I am a drug user”; “I am a gambler.” It takes some courage to do that. Now imagine your own meeting: “I am a hater.” Liar. Poser. Bully. Coward. Confused. Victim. Unorganized. Mean Spirited. Whatever your demons are, do you have the honesty and courage to say it? Out loud to yourself? Yom Kippur has a confessional for that. Several of them.
The confessional, though, is only a verbal prompt. The confessional requires you take these words seriously and intend these words to pierce your avoidance. You must intend the words of the confessional so strongly that they break your heart, causing you to mourn the wasted time, the wasted energy of excuses. And out of the depths of this brokenness, a new will and new self shall appear. The will to change, and the self who will lead you beyond the horizon.
Now, let’s put the idea of God back into our thinking. Consider not only the most authentic versions of ourselves that exist beyond the horizon, but also a Divine who is seeking you, calling you — a God who is seeking your heart of truth. Even those who don’t believe in God can find sacredness in the depths of the broken heart. It does not matter what you call the sacredness of that experience. The main thing is that you have arrived.
A deeper Yom Kippur is a moment of truth — a day to be truthful with yourself. It is as if this is your only life; as if you don’t have all the time in the world to get it right; as if you have debris of regret and needless pain littered behind you; as if you desperately want to create a clearing ahead of you, to dig down, break through the resistance and find your heart of truth.
These piercing calls into our depths are not unique to this year’s Yom Kippur. Perhaps, though, on this Yom Kippur, when our lives are shorn of attractions to the nonessential, we can be especially tilled for the “light that is sown to the righteous.”
Find the Heart of the Universe, who is waiting for your arrival and readies you for the next mine to dig. That is a deeper Yom Kippur.
Rabbi Mordecai Finley is the spiritual leader of Ohr HaTorah and professor of Jewish Thought at the Academy of Jewish Religion, California.