Persian Youth, Parents Grapple With Culture Gap

Picture a middle-aged Jewish Persian couple who have lived
in the United States for years and are concerned about what goes on with their
children in this strange and foreign country. They are upset that their
daughter disobeys them by studying photography, not medicine, at college, and
they cannot understand the comings and goings of their English-speaking younger
daughter, because they don’t speak English very well.

This dramatization, set on stage at Sinai Temple last month,
symbolizes the plight of many Persian families in Los Angeles. Some 200 young
Persian American Jews attended “Who Are We Today? Where Are We Going?” a panel
discussion on immigrant Jews and their problems, featuring Dr. Mojgan Hakimi, a
psychologist who addressed the difficulties new families face in adjusting to
life in the United States.

For more than a century, Jews have been immigrating to the United
States from around the world, hoping to avoid persecution, enjoy democracy
and flourish economically. Most groups follow a similar trajectory — setting up
miniversions of their home communities, such as the Russians in Brighton Beach,
or the Germans on the Lower East Side.

Los Angeles is home to 15,000-40,000 Persian Jews, most of
whom began arriving in the United States more than 20 years ago. Like many new
immigrant communities that have been in the U.S. for some time, the Persian
Jewish community now faces a disconnect between the generation born in Iran and
those raised primarily in America. It’s Tevya’s age-old complaint in “Fiddler
on the Roof”: How does “tradition” fare in the face of modernity?

Rabbi David Wolpe, who hosted the lecture, suggested that it
was not the classic generation gap that many families must contend with;
Persian Jews must deal with a culture clash between older Iranian Jews, who
emphasize respecting elders, insularity and old-country values, and the younger
generation who have Americanized enough to absorb individualistic values that
fly in the face of the older generation.

Hakimi, who has taught at UCLA and Tel Aviv University,
explained that the older generation also has a “fear of being abandoned by the
community.” Unlike other Jewish American groups that have tried to lose their
Jewishness and fit in with American society, many Persian Jews try to segregate
themselves from American society, creating a mini-Iran here in Los Angeles,
which has its own stores, language culture and entertainment.

“Persian immigrants in Los Angeles, by relying on a
materialistic life and practicing a Hollywood [lifestyle], try to avoid being
abandoned by society. This is a way they have chosen to be able to keep their
identity, to say who they are,” Hakimi said.

But this identity, this community enclave, comes at a price:
without a solid knowledge of English and America, they cannot understand their
children.

One of the few parents in the audience said, “I hate this
society, which is keeping our children away from us. They feel shy to introduce
us to their friends, they make fun of our English accents, do not like to join
us in Persian parties, they keep themselves separate from us.”

But the fact is, Wolpe said, the parents themselves chose to
live here; they brought them to Los Angeles, yet they are trying not to have
them affected by its culture. “And that is the most difficult task,” he said.

Haikimi also addressed the marriage problem: In the old
country, parents controlled the process, selecting and approving the match. But
that process often is at odds with America’s dating culture.

“I do not want to marry whoever my parents think is good
match for me. This is the old tradition of … I don’t know, maybe the Stone
Age! I want to choose my future husband myself,” said a 20-something woman in
the audience.

Another audience member, who is in his 30s, complained, “I
hate when my mom gets me a phone number of someone I have never seen and asks
me to call her and to go out with her.”

“I am not against Persian traditions for marriage,” said
Sherry, who is in her early 20s. “What I am mostly against is the control and
pressure the parents put on their children in marriage, which leads to their
stubbornness.”

One solution, Haikimi said, is to learn how to integrate
both American and Iranian traditions. “What I want the Persian parents to do is
to hold on to those traditions [that] have the potentiality to be practiced in
the society,” he said.

You cannot force young people to marry the match you have
chosen for them or decide what they should study, Hakimi noted.

But the communication problems go both ways. Wolpe told the
younger audience members that they should attempt to understand their parents’
point of view.

“Now you cannot understand the loss your parents feel; you
will feel this loss when your next generation will know nothing of the bit of
language and culture you know and learned from your parents,” he said. “Even if
you cannot read and write in Farsi, you can understand the language of your
parents and laugh at the Persian jokes. But, when you face the next generation
who will know nothing of these, you will feel the loss, which your parents feel
now.”

This generation — whose parents were born in Iran, but who
themselves were raised in America — is in a unique position, Wolpe said.

“In this generation, you are American enough to see both
sides of these cultures and lifestyles, so you will [be] the most helpful
people to bring the two generations together and solve their problems.” Â