Honoring the Departed

I like to call my friends on their birthdays, but until yesterday, it never dawned on me to also call them on the anniversary of the passing of a loved one.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father’s passing. When I mentioned that to a rabbi friend, he told me that two other people we both know well were also observing the anniversary of the passing of a loved one.

On a whim, I called both of them.

The conversations went deep very quickly. My friends welcomed the chance to talk about the loved one they lost. So did I. We were in the same boat. We shared memories. We told stories. It was our simple way of honoring those no longer physically with us — and it felt really good.

Talking about my father made his memory come alive. As much as I valued reciting the mourner’s Kaddish in synagogue that morning, I was touched even more deeply by the memories of a man who had a unique influence on me.

When the phone conversations ended, I was struck by the power of memory to sustain us. My father taught me the joy of Judaism, the value of family and tradition and the importance of patience. I had made a vow when he passed away that I would honor him by embracing what he taught me. Bringing all that up yesterday was like an injection of goodness into my life.

When the phone conversations ended, I was struck by the power of memory to sustain us.

It was as if I was receiving and making a mini “shivah call.”

The seven days of shivah after the passing of a loved one is one of Judaism’s most inspired traditions. The immediate pain is so sharp we need a full week of consolation to soften the blow. For seven days, we are immersed and consumed with the person who passed away. We tell stories, we reminisce, we cry.

But as the years go by and we move further away from that wrenching moment, we still have one day a year — the anniversary, or the yartzeit — when we can honor them. It’s our chance to keep their memories alive.

If it meant so much to me and my friends to reflect on our departed ones yesterday, I’m sure it would mean a lot to my other friends, too. So I plan to add some new dates on my Google calendar besides birthdays.

May the memories of our beloved departed continue to nourish us.