Satirical Semite: Queen Meghan

The Jewish festive season is now over, and during the last few weeks we’ve had royal celebrations, commemorations and near-beheadings. As a Jew I’ve celebrated the Shabbat “Queen” (as we do, once a week) and proclaimed God as King on Rosh Hashanah. On Yom Kippur I prayed to avoid the biblical punishments and not get strangled, whipped or stoned, although there was probably no shortage of synagogue attendees in Los Angeles who were completely stoned on Yom Kippur. As an Englishman I also mourned the passing of the Queen and the installation of the King, but then a new horror came to mind: the realization that Prince Harry is now fifth in line to the British throne, which means that there is the outside chance there could one day be a Queen Consort Meghan Markle. Instead of singing God Save the Queen, we’ll be singing God Save Us All.

It’s unlikely this dystopian nightmare would come to pass. While nobody would be strangled or stoned, in Queen Markle’s marriage, many think that the ginger-haired Prince Harry is the one who is truly whipped.

The UK media has been unforgiving, and repeatedly violated a rabbinic commandment of calling people by nicknames, even though they are not obligated to keep them. We regularly read of “The Ginger Whinger and Me-Again” or “The Duke and Duchess of Netflix.” After her various fibs to the British Press, Piers Morgan named her “Princess Pinocchio.”

American friends sometimes say “I’m on Team Meghan,” but in the UK that sounds as relevant as saying “I’m on Team King George III.” The British can be snobbish, and this isn’t a game of baseball.

I’m sure that Harry and Meghan are nice enough in private, and the great British public had nothing but love for them in the early days. The love affair was over in March 2021 when the couple did their infamous interview with Oprah, where Meghan accused Princess Kate of making her cry, Prince Harry denounced his father King Charles and brother Prince William and accused them of being trapped in their roles, and they both threw a string of other accusations at his family. It was all pretty awful, especially after the way it began.

Everything was going well back in 2018. We loved Meghan, celebrated our first mixed-race member of the Royal Family, and welcomed our first Los Angeleno to join the House of Windsor. We felt a bit sorry for her since her estranged father couldn’t join the wedding, and were happy that the then-Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle at her wedding. We enjoyed photos of the Queen welcoming Doria Raglan, Prince Charles’ African-American mechatainsta who once worked as a social worker in Silverlake, East LA. There is no English word for the Yiddish machatainsta, which means your child’s mother-in-law. Similarly there isn’t a Yiddish equivalent for the Oxford English Dictionary, usually called by its acronym “the OED,” although the Oxford Yiddish Dictionary would appropriately be referred to as “the OY’D.”

What would it look like if you didn’t have a monarchy? The answer is simple: America.

A proverbial elephant sits in the room, with a big question about whether it is better to have a republic or a monarchy. What would it look like if you didn’t have a monarchy? The answer is simple: America. Would you rather have an unelected, permanent Queen with an elected Prime Minister, or blend the two systems and have a King Trump, Prince Pence, King Biden and Queen Consort Kamala? God Save the Kings!

Although there is a caveat. Despite the bad-mouthing, despite the looming threat of Prince Harry’s forthcoming tell-all lashon hara-fueled biography, despite his not showing up for his late grandfather Prince Philip’s memorial service, the British public still love them, a bit like you love your slightly-annoying cousins who make bad decisions, but feel sorry for them because you know they had a rough childhood.

We felt teary-eyed last month on seeing Harry and Meghan walk alongside William and Kate to look at the floral tributes a few days after the Queen’s passing. King Charles even included a loving tribute to Harry and Meghan during a speech following his mother’s death.

Some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them, and others leave Los Angeles to marry a British prince. Despite everything, there is one thing we all still want to see: a happy Hollywood ending.