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How a Woman Can Wear Down a Man

When it comes to how women treat men in male-female marriages, my eyes are open.
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April 6, 2022
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I love the 1959 film, “Pillow Talk,” starring Rock Hudson and Doris Day. Though some of the dialogue would make a modern woman wince, there’s one scene that’s stayed with me throughout the years: A rabid womanizer named Brad Allen (played by Hudson) shares his philosophical musings about marriage with his best friend, Jonathan Forbes (played by Tony Randall), with the following observation: “Jonathan, before a man gets married, he’s like a tree in the forest. He stands there independent, an entity unto himself. And then he’s chopped down, his branches are cut off, he’s stripped of his bark and he’s thrown into the river with the rest of the logs. Then this tree is taken to the mill. And when it comes out, it’s no longer a tree. It’s the vanity table, the breakfast nook, the baby crib, and the newspaper that lines the family garbage can.”

I admit Allen has a point. Over the years, I’ve met a few such furniture items at the park, Shabbat meals and kids’ birthday parties. I probably am guilty of whittling down a few good men to benches and credenzas. But marriage isn’t supposed to metaphorically chop you into pieces; it’s the biggest growth tool I’ve ever encountered. 

Before I got married, I believed in the harmful stereotype of a nagging wife. I guess I’d watched too many films and TV shows from the ’50s and ’60s. But after I got married, I realized that a woman “nags” because she’s tried nearly every other way of expressing a need or request, short of spray painting a kitchen wall with graffiti that says, “Load the dishwasher cup-side down.”

A few years ago, a friend told me that his wife married him because she thought he could do anything. “After we got married,” he said, “she made me feel like I could do nothing.”

Maybe I go easier on women because we put up with much more than men. That’s why last week’s column was titled, “How a Man Ages a Woman.” But when it comes to how women treat men in male-female marriages, my eyes are open. I see the father who is “wearing” his sleeping baby across his chest and listening as his wife tells him exactly what he did wrong when he changed a diaper that morning; the older man whose wife yells at him to “Sit over there!” at the doctor’s office. When he tries to fill out a medical form, she snatches the pen and paper out of his hand and fills it out herself because she’s more thorough. And then, there’s the father whose teenage daughters scoff at him at every turn because their mother taught them, through years of sighs, eye rolling and disparaging feedback, not to take anything their father says seriously. 

I’m not sure I completely agree with Brad Allen’s analysis. Not all men are sage, independent redwoods before marriage. Some, even those old enough to know better, are still saplings. Others act like sprouts. But for those who are trying hard to be majestic redwoods and oaks for their families, there are many ways that a well-intentioned woman can wear down such good men. Here are a few:

She Judges His Actions and His Intentions 

I always thought the first year of marriage would be divine. And then, garbage struck. I spent my first year of married life angry at my husband for forgetting to take out the garbage. Could I have taken it out myself? Yes. But we had an unspoken division of labor. I should have dealt with the action of piled-up garbage. But I didn’t. Rather than asking, “Can you please take out the garbage right away?” I sat and stewed. I stewed longer than chunks of fatty beef and savory greens in a simmering pot of Persian stew. Here’s the story I told myself: 

“He takes you for granted. You’re a housekeeper, not a wife.” Not exactly healthy and helpful thoughts.  

It took me a year to realize there were no nefarious intentions. My husband had forgotten because when it came to that task, he sometimes forgot. I had assigned devious meaning to his intentions. The only problem? He didn’t even have intentions. Who weaponizes garbage? 

The only puzzle piece I should have worked with was the action. Meanwhile, he never mentioned anything about how much clutter I’d piled up in our home, though he was literally knee-deep in it. I would have been so hurt if he’d assumed I had bad intentions. I only wish I’d given him the same benefit of the doubt. 

She Equates a Lack of Fighting with Showing Affection 

A decade ago, my father made an observation about a family friend: “She’s a very good wife,” he said. “In the years that I’ve known her and her husband, I’ve never once heard her yell at him. They’re truly lovebirds.” I thought carefully about this couple. True, I’d never heard the woman yell at her husband. And then, I realized I’d barely heard this woman talk to her husband. 

She didn’t look at him much. She brought him a cup of coffee and didn’t sit down with him when he invited her to have a seat. When she did address him, it was for utilitarian purposes: “Please put the tray on that shelf” or “I need help with the hose.”

Marriage is messy and beautiful; elevating and infuriating. For the sake of our own dignity as well as that of our partner’s, we should aim to be more like compassionate arborists, rather than cynical lumberjacks.

Every now and then, I convince myself that I treat my husband very well because I don’t yell at him (I reserve most of my yelling for my mother and the United States Postal Service). But recently, I’ve realized that not fighting with a man is not the same as showing him actual affection. Not raising your voice at a man isn’t some sort of gift for which a husband should be thankful; it should be a base-level expectation of decency and respect (from both sides). One way to display affection is to randomly hug your husband a few times a day, even if you don’t feel like it. It’s an ambush hug, rather than an ambush fight.

He Actually Believes He Can’t Do Anything Right 

Nothing startles a man who’s convinced he can’t do anything right more than an ambush hug. He may even ask his wife what he did to deserve it.

A few years ago, a friend told me that his wife married him because she thought he could do anything. “After we got married,” he said, “she made me feel like I could do nothing.”

I never fully appreciated the scope of my capabilities until I got married (and had children). I can work, cook, repair, organize, plan, host, schedule, reschedule, and remember the exact location of the pliers I bought seven years ago to remove a spoon from the garbage disposal. But do you know the one thing I can do better than almost anything else in my home? Make sure my husband internalizes that he can’t do anything right.

Marriage is messy and beautiful; elevating and infuriating. For the sake of our own dignity as well as that of our partner’s, we should aim to be more like compassionate arborists, rather than cynical lumberjacks. I know my capacity to build, but I also know my capacity to destroy, and I don’t want to be married to the world’s greatest armoire.


Tabby Refael is a Los Angeles-based writer, speaker, and civic action activist. Follow her on Twitter @RefaelTabby

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