When I was five years old, my parents got divorced. It was horrible. I felt sick to my stomach every day, I had trouble sleeping and I became a lonely latchkey kid. That’s why when I got married to my husband Daniel, I made a decision to do everything I could to stay married. As frustrated as I get with my husband sometimes, I stop myself from thinking about divorce. In my head, it’s just not an option.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned about keeping a marriage together came from a fellow married friend. He said to us, “Want to know the best piece of relationship advice I ever got? Treat your spouse like the hotel guest of your life.”
It sounded funny, but it’s absolutely true.
Think about how the concierge at the finest hotel you’ve ever stayed in treated you… whenever you needed anything, they dropped what they were doing because you were their number one priority.
Think about how the concierge at the finest hotel you’ve ever stayed in treated you. They greeted you with a smile. They provided you with refreshments. And whenever you needed anything, they dropped what they were doing because you were their number one priority.
When Daniel asks me to do something for him – it could be as simple as getting him a glass of water – I try to do it right away. When I act quick, it gets me into the habit of prioritizing my marriage. It also builds mutual trust between Daniel and I. It shows that when he needs me, I’m there for him, and vice versa.
Another thing about a good hotel concierge is that they are always kind and courteous. Unfortunately, spouses are not always kind and courteous to one another. Just like with any family dynamic, we may sometimes treat the ones who are closest to us the worst. Why? I guess we have the “security” and we feel like we can.
However, this isn’t true – especially with marriage. No marriage is 100% secure. The more times you’re mean to each other or disrespectful or don’t put each other first, little cracks start to appear in the foundation. It all builds up overtime until suddenly, you’re having a screaming match at 2 a.m. because one of you, without fail, never puts your socks in the hamper (ladies, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about).
A hotel concierge is a total stranger and yet, they are so nice to every guest they meet. This may sound silly, but when I’m arguing with my husband, I stop and ask myself, “Is this how a concierge would treat him?” or even, “Is this how I would treat a friend?” Of course it’s not. It’s odd that at times, we treat our friends, and even strangers, better than we treat our spouses.
There are, of course, instances where I can’t help my husband with something right away, like when I’m behind on my work. Instead of ignoring his request, I make sure to explain why I need some extra time. My husband can’t read my mind.
I also always try to put myself in my husband’s position and ask myself, “Is this how I would want to be treated?” There have been times where I’ve snapped at him, and when I calmed down, I realized that I wouldn’t enjoy being treated that way. I put my marriage before my pride and I apologize. That’s something a hotel concierge is eager to do as well: They’ll say they’re sorry if you didn’t have an outstanding experience. They don’t let their ego get in the way. The survival of the hotel is more important to them. The survival of my marriage is more important to me.
What I’ve learned matters the most in my relationship is that my husband and I are always willing to try to make things better. The minute we give up on each other, it’s over. By doing little things every day to make one another feel good, we’re taking our friend’s wise advice, one small – but monumental – step at a time.
Kylie Ora Lobell is the Community and Arts Editor of the Jewish Journal.
