Satirical Semite: The Tale of Jonny 5-Vax

I bumped into an old friend who had done something radical. It had nothing to do with him having received five different vaccinations—with three different brands injected into his arm “just to be safe”—but something far worse. He had insulted every Englishman who is, or has been alive during the last 70 years. My friend Jonny “5-Vax” walked out of the new Bond movie 10 minutes before the end. “I couldn’t take any more,” he said. “‘No Time to Die’? It should have been called ‘When the woke hits the fan.’”

His film review was scathing, but maybe he was delirious from an antibody-high. “We’ve seen Bond defeat over 100 villains in the last seven decades, but he has finally been defeated by the enemy known as Outtacontrol Leftism.”

So what if the new movie shows Bond relegated to the passenger seat of a car, the passenger seat on a motorbike, and the back passenger in a glider that is piloted by Nomi, a female agent who has inherited his 007 title?

So what if the new movie shows Bond relegated to the passenger seat of a car, the passenger seat on a motorbike, and the back passenger in a glider that is piloted by Nomi, a female agent who has inherited his 007 title? Jonny disagreed. “He’s a wuss. Bond makes breakfast for his daughter, even though his masculinity is undermined when her mother denies his paternity. Is Bond now a domestic goddess? Daniel Craig may have a Jewish wife and Jewish children, but nobody told the screenwriters there is a difference between circumcision and castration.” 

At least Jonny 5-Vax had the self-knowledge to admit he identifies with the old Bond, best described in 1995’s “GoldenEye” when Judi Dench’s M says to Pierce Brosnan’s 007: “I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War.” My friend continued, “At least you knew where you were when Bond was a man’s man. He is supposed to be mildly-sociopathic, slightly-chauvinistic, charming, seductive and a ruthless killer with the complete inability to maintain long-term healthy human relationships.” Much like some of the guys on Tinder. “We don’t need to see Bond make breakfast unless he is making a meal of his enemy.”

It’s important to have friends with different political opinions, even if they are wrong. I listened. “Diversity is crucial, but not with Bond. There is no need to align Bond with woke leftism, because that isn’t the world he lives in. If people don’t want to see the films, they don’t have to. There are plenty of other movies where heroes are gender-balanced, where men take a back seat to women. The new ‘Black Panther’ lead is female and we even have two Jewish female superheroes in Black Widow and Wonder Woman.” 

He had a good point. The best Instagram image of 2017 was Yaron Varsano standing next to his wife Gal Gadot, wearing the T-shirt with two female icons on it and titles beneath—the female stick-figure bathroom icon with the title “Your Wife” and an image of Wonder Woman with the title “My Wife.” Jonny, however, couldn’t stop himself from commenting. “Obviously the Neo-Marxist Wokerati Thought Police will explain why his t-shirt represents male subjugation, oppressive patriarchy and wonder-mansplaining. Banish them to Themyscira, the female utopia where Wonder Woman grew up, and wish them luck if they ever choose to cancel her fierce Amazonian tribe members.” 

Jonny’s final comments were repellent. “The current team of Bond screenwriters need to be fired, although not by Alec Baldwin. He brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘film shoot.’ Send those writers to a desert island for several years armed only with the original series of Ian Fleming’s novels and a bar full of lukewarm martinis that have been both shaken and stirred.” Perhaps Jonny 5-Vax should be exiled in their place, and given a mandatory license to chill.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, writer and consultant. www.marcusjfreed and on social @marcusjfreed.