Satirical Semite: Shrinking Violets

The dating pool is shrinking since we are currently seeing a mad rush of post-lockdown weddings. This weekend should be a fortuitous time for Jewish singles since we celebrate the mini festival of Tu B’Av, which in recent years has been rebranded as a Hebraic Valentine’s Day. There are big parties in Los Angeles, New York and Miami, and the cutting-edge shores of Europe should follow suit in a few years. The Talmud speaks of two days when maidens would dance in the fields wearing white dresses and bachelors would look at them before making their choice of bride (Taanit 30b). One was the 15th day of the month of Av, while the other was Yom Kippur. Not all of the festive traditions have been revived, however, since for some reason a few people take issue with making women dance in a field while men look on and pick which one they want as a bride.

Modern dating has a similar approach of judging and plucking partners from a pool, purely based on their looks. Whereas we used to stand on the edge of the field, these days we stand on the edge of a dancefloor, or just get edgy as we look at men or women on a screen. Even the young and beautiful are more likely to meet someone via a dating app rather than in-person and swipe left if they don’t like the look of them. JSwipe has long overtaken JDate as the online platform of choice, although Jswiping—AKA Jew-swiping—sounds like some kind of medieval antisemitic sport for pagan peasants.

Watching someone dance in person is tricky now since mandatory mask mandates are being reinforced, since it’s harder to judge someone’s attractiveness when half of their face is covered. Although depending on the shape of certain peoples’ faces, this could work in their favor. Personally I’ll be wearing a full mask and leave the house wearing the face of Zac Efron.

I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps. I hate the addiction of regularly checking to see if anyone’s responded, and love to delete the app from my phone. I reinstall the app every two days to check my inbox and respond where necessary before deleting it again. The first of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps is, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol,” but the advantage of smartphones is that, unlike alcohol, you can delete things at any time and install an app blocker. Then again, blocking potential dates also goes to shrink possibilities of romance. I also get hit by the numbers, since my current age does not look attractive on paper. I recently tried a two-week experiment of using the exact same profile photos but listed my age as younger. I received five times as many responses but quickly explained it wasn’t my true age, and promptly corrected the numbers. One person said the experiment was dishonest, to which I explained that “I identify as being 35” and promptly took her to the Supreme Court, staged a landmark case for discrimination and libel, and won $5 million in damages. Weirdly, she didn’t want a second date.

I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps. I hate the addiction of regularly checking to see if anyone’s responded, and love to delete the app from my phone.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable with JSwipe is their “most eligible” category. When you look at the photos, there is a group of people who one is free to connect with, but there is also a curated VIP selection of more good-looking people. You have to pay the full membership fee if you want to get in touch with the “most eligible” VIPs. I imagine there are some people in their office deciding if people are “hot to trot” or “not a lot” and placing a price on their head. I’m glad not to know which category I’ve ended up in because it could hurt more than being Jew-swiped by a Cossack in the Anatevka shtetl.

A reduced pool of people can be a good thing because fewer choices can minimize the chance of being overwhelmed with too many options. It can be crazy-making, but the best option is to keep going. If you’re finding it hard, by all means get coaching from a shrink but don’t be a shrinking violet when it comes to meeting people. Stand tall, be confident and make sure you scrub well. Just don’t wear a Zac Efron mask because it’s already taken. Happy Tu B’Av.

Marcus J Freed is an actor, marketing consultant, and currently single. www.marcusjfreed.com