Days of Our [Pandemic] Lives

The following is a work of satire. None of the people or incidents is real.

Late January

Cindy Upton, a 37-year-old mother of three from Calabasas, committed to a healthier lifestyle. She also vowed to spend a few hours a week doing something that made her feel alive, which meant secretly Googling “celebrities without makeup” while consuming an entire box of thawed churros.

Cleveland resident Kevin Harrison-Levi, 24, was inconsolable when faced with the possibility of having to close his online clothing store, Top Banana, which sold only tops. Perhaps, he thought, his mother, girlfriend, banker and therapist had been right: Why would customers invest only in the top half of their attire when dressing for work?

After eight years of marriage, Mr. and Mrs. Latifeh were thrilled to be renovating their home in Beverly Hills. Their contractor assured them everything would be done by Memorial Day, just in time to host sumptuous barbecues for dozens of friends on their newly renovated deck.

Late February

Mrs. Upton subscribed to a weekly produce delivery service that offered ugly but delicious vegetables and also bought a spiralizer, which promised to make healthy “noodles” out of veggies ranging from zucchini to carrots. When the contraption arrived at her door, followed by a box of misshapen legumes and tomatoes, she was devastated to learn neither made particularly good noodles.

During Sunday brunch with his parents/investors, Mr. Harrison-Levi presented a business plan for swapping out the clothes and turning Top Banana into a one-stop-shop for organic, cruelty-free banana scones and biscuits, if only to retain the name of his online domain.

Mr. and Mrs. Latifeh had spent nearly every weekend at home, arguing over issues ranging from upholstery to the right shade of coral-colored paint. They wisely decided to be more careful about how much time they spent at home together.

With quarrels over structural carpentry a near-daily occurrence, Mr. Latifeh lashed out at his wife at the supermarket, threatening to lick the handle of the shopping cart and “end it all.”

Late March 

With the children and her husband home all day because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and the hiding place of her churros no longer a secret, Mrs. Upton found herself struggling to maintain a healthy lifestyle. She hired a health coach and bought a salad spinner. One hour later, after her children used her face mask as a diaper for the dog, she bought a KitchenAid stand mixer with a bread hook.

Mr. Harrison-Levi noticed a steady increase in purchases from his online company. Between preparing batches of banana-rhubarb scones, he wondered if there was a correlation between nice dress shirts and taking work meetings from home via videoconferencing.

With quarrels over structural carpentry a near-daily occurrence, Mr. Latifeh lashed out at his wife at the supermarket, threatening to lick the handle of the shopping cart and “end it all.”

Late April 

Having been forced into the role of maid, cook, teacher and baby-sitter, Mrs. Upton used the salad spinner bowl to soak her feet in Epsom salts. Forty-five minutes later, she fired her health coach and bought a deep fryer.

Mr. Harrison-Levi’s income soared to the point that he could buy his parents, girlfriend and therapist enough banana scones to last the rest of the year without having to leave their homes.

Mrs. Latifeh burned off both her eyebrows when she tested the new grill immediately after rubbing her forehead with 90% isopropyl alcohol. Mr. Latifeh made matters worse by reassuring her she no longer had to worry about grooming her own eyebrows in quarantine.

Late May 

Confronted with her ex-health coach on Zoom, Mrs. Upton held up a homemade sourdough baguette and declared where she was going to shove the crispy loaf.

Mr. Harrison-Levi made plans to open a clothing store at a nearby strip mall. He tasked his mother with wearing a banana suit outside the store to attract customers.

From opposite sides of their new deck, Mr. and Mrs. Latifeh spent Memorial Day Weekend enjoying margaritas and giving each other the silent treatment. Their divorce hearing is set for late June.

Tabby Refael is a Los Angeles-based writer, speaker, and activist.