Finding Togetherness

Across the world, we are finding ourselves in a situation, if not unprecedented, then certainly unlike anything most of us have seen in our lifetimes. Grocery stores emptied of canned goods, meats, and toilet paper. No professional or college sports being played. Silent classrooms. Empty freeways in Los Angeles.

In times of emergency, people often come together. When massive wildfires rage, people open their homes to others who have lost theirs. In desperate hurricanes, there have been stories of those with boats rescuing neighbors trapped by the water. Floods of donations, in terms of goods, money, and hands-on help make their way to locales destroyed by tsunamis.

This pandemic is different—we are being forced apart. “Social Distancing” it is called, maintaining, at the very least, six feet of distance between people. Many businesses have asked their employees to work from home. Restaurants are recommended to halve their capacity to help maintain the safe distance. Many are opting to self-quarantine, hunkering down at home for a few weeks to help limit the spread of the virus. The shared activities which bring disparate groups togethers—Disneyland, Broadway, pro and college sports—have all suspended operations or cancelled games.

Some are finding ways to come together in a way that works within the recommended “social distancing.” There are videos from Italy and New York of neighbors singing together from balconies, through windows, from rooftops. Sharing their voices in song to show that they are connected despite the mandate to stay apart. Community classes are being held through Zoom. These are beautiful, and much needed, shows of togetherness in this dreary time. But, are these new bonds strong enough to last past this flu? Or will it be back to politics and arguments as usual once we can return to our regularly scheduled lives. I fear that is the most likely outcome. However, we can make the new bonds last if we take this time to learn to truly empathize with every other human. Learn to love them as we love ourselves.

The social distancing and quarantines seem a reflection of the lives we currently live: everyone is separated into his/her tribe. It’s as though the United States has turned into a massive high school with cliques and gangs. Men vs. women. White vs. black vs. brown. Liberal vs. conservative. Cis vs. trans. Young vs. old. People have split into such tiny, specific groups—when was the last time someone identified himself as simply “American” as opposed to a hyphenate?

It is natural to find companionship amongst those who have similar backgrounds and interests as we. The jocks play and enjoy talking about sports, so they hang out with others who play and enjoy talking about sports. The drama kids find their fellow theater-lovers. Jews moving into a new neighborhood find the synagogue where they will feel at home. Korean immigrants move to neighborhoods where the language and food are familiar. This is the quickest and easiest way to find a community for oneself.

Community can also be found at AA meetings, where each person has struggled with the same negative force. Or in a driver’s education class, each student anxious and excited to get on the road. Community can be found when people of disparate backgrounds are thrown together because of hardship – a trauma support group – or because of celebrations – hugging another fan when your team makes a last second basket to win the game.

In these instances, race, religion, gender, and age do not matter. What matters is a shared humanity. Hoping for a shared outcome or bonding over shared pain. Longing, excitement, sadness, joy, fear, guilt, hope: these are felt by everyone at one time or another.

The problem, then, is not in viewing ourselves as part of a tribe, but in how we view others who are not part of any of our tribes. We see other people as one-dimensional: when we ourselves accidentally cut-off another driver in traffic, it is because we are unfamiliar with the area and did not realize the exit we needed was so close. But if another driver does it to us, the driver is a selfish jerk. We are quicker to forgive ourselves, because we know the entirety of our own thoughts and lives. We do not know the fullness of another person’s life, and therefore act as though it does not exist.

We in the United States, and people throughout much of the world, live in an unprecedented time of freedom, to become a person beyond what one’s race, sex, or birth might otherwise have dictated even just 100 years ago. Certainly, living one’s own life is supported now more than ever. Yet as we hope for acceptance of our own kooky ways from others, we force them into tiny boxes in our heads.

It would be wise to learn from how we now refer to a “person with a disability” instead of a “disabled person.” With the latter, the disability is the fullness of the person. With the former, it is merely an aspect of the person. It might tell us certain things about the person, suggest a different learning style or additional accommodations, but that is it. “Person with disability” gives us not hint as to whether the person is kind, generous, vain, spiteful, annoying, humorous, trustworthy, genuine, sarcastic or anything else. We don’t, with that singular description, know the person’s hopes, struggles, darkest desires, losses, home life, or accomplishments.

We must apply that same idea to the guy who cuts us off in traffic. Maybe he, too, is unfamiliar with the area and got frazzled as he finally found his exit. And, in a much larger scale, we must think this way about other groups. Democrats must know that Republicans are not racist, sexist pigs intent on enslaving everyone different from them, but people who believe that their values and policies are the best way to make the country a land of opportunity and freedom for every single person. Baby Boomers must understand that Millennials, if they are entitled, were raised to be that way; but, more importantly, are hard workers and innovative thinkers. Not every man is a #MeToo situation waiting to happen. Not every Trans person is hellbent on some agenda. Most people want to be left alone to live their lives: find the job they like, create a family, engage in fun activities, and end the day watching Netflix.

We cannot know the fullness of every other person’s life, because that would require us to meet and have long-term friendships with every other being. Even then, it is not possible to know the fulness of another’s person’s life. But, if we can acknowledge that everyone else is three-dimensional, with the same humanity as we, then we can begin to treat each other with compassion. Perhaps, we can treat others the way we would want to be treated, knowing our own humanity. In this way, we can truly find a social “coming together” despite the medically recommended “social distancing.”