Asking Better, Getting More: Tips to Help Women Negotiate For What They Deserve

Early in my career, I got a fantastic piece of advice: Getting good at anything is like learning how to fly a plane. You have to clock a certain amount of hours before you can graduate from First Officer to Captain.

Growing up professionally first in fundraising and then business development and sales, I clocked a lot of hours negotiating and I got really good at talking about money.

Unfortunately, while I didn’t get lucky and my story isn’t unique, it’s also not common enough for women in the workplace. Especially in a post-pandemic world that drove four million women from the workforce and stalled the earning potential of millions more.

Combine that with a pay equity gap and it’s no wonder that women feel intimidated and dejected around salary negotiation conversations.

Pandemic aside, we live in a society where most women aren’t taught about money: neither how to ask for it, nor how to manage it when we have it. Combine that with a pay equity gap and it’s no wonder that women feel intimidated and dejected around salary negotiation conversations. Our system is broken and it’s imperative we put this conversation in context. So let’s first take a moment to run the numbers:

• 82: Cents on the dollar a working woman makes compared to a man, according to the Department of Labor.
• 78: Cents on the dollar a woman entrepreneur makes compared to a man, according to INC. Magazine.
• 69: Cents on the dollar a working mom makes as compared to a working dad, according to the National Women’s Law Center.
• 135.6: The years the World Economic Forum predicts it will take to achieve gender pay equity at current course and speed.
• 42,300,000: The estimated number of working-age women of color in the United States, according to The Institute for Women’s Policy Research, for whom each one of the aforementioned gaps widens.

That’s why as we honor Women’s History Month (rebranded by CHIEF as Women’s Future Month), International Women’s Day, and Women’s Equal Pay Day this March, we need to talk about money: specifically, how we handle negotiations and tough conversations on an unfair playing field.

Here’s the problem: Often when it comes time for women to negotiate, too many of us just haven’t put in the flying hours and that is not empowering. When the stakes are high and the practice reps are low, it can make an already nerve-wracking situation even more stressful. 

No need to worry: this is your captain speaking and there is no need to assume the brace position. With tens of millions of dollars in generated revenue under my belt, I’ve put in the flying hours for you—including a few botched take-offs and rough landings—so you don’t have to.

So step inside my cockpit and let me show you how to work all these dials and knobs. Here are five questions to consider before you next negotiation: 

1. Are you asking to be “right-sized” or for a “raise”? These are completely different things. A few years ago, a woman who babysat for our family asked me if she could come over early to get my advice about asking her boss for a raise. The only Latina woman on her team, she had just found out she was being paid $10,000 less than all three of her male colleagues. Our babysitter didn’t need a raise; she needed to get right-sized. Let’s break down the difference: A raise is a merit-based increase in compensation as a reward for excellent performance. A “right-sizing” is having your organization rescope your compensation to properly align with your current responsibilities and/or organizational benchmarks. When we come to our employers to get “right-sized” we put the burden on them for righting a wrong or realigning an inconsistency. 
2. What are you hoping to make in this next role? I absolutely, positively hate this question as it only serves to perpetuate the gender wage gap. In my view, there is only one answer to this question: I assume you have a budget already allocated for this role: would you mind sharing that with me and I can let you know if this is within my ballpark, understanding it’s part of a broader compensation package? I have never met a hiring manager who went to the marketplace with a role but no budget allocation. That’s why if they refuse to answer this question, I encourage you to run. You’ve dodged a bullet. 
3. What did you make in your last role? Another question I absolutely hate! No wonder it’s illegal in nearly half the states in the U.S. See above for the same exact talk track. Whether it’s illegal or not in your state, you never have to answer this question. EVER. 
4. Are you willing to get uncomfortable? As women, many of us were taught to be “good girls.” As “pleasers” we were taught to be grateful, not to rock the boat, and to reduce tension. Here’s the thing: the ability to be uncomfortable and sit in tension is one of the most important elements of a successful negotiation. Here are a few Do and Don’t tips for holding tension:

• Don’t be afraid to sit in silence after you ask a question or state a request. This creates leverage that forces them to respond instead of side-stepping the issue. Hit the mute button if you must to control yourself from breaking an uncomfortable silence and whatever you do…  

• Don’t undermine yourself by breaking silence or saying something along the lines of “If you can’t do that, it’s not really a dealbreaker.” Pro tip: organizations will save every penny they can for the people who are willing to walk if they don’t get what they want. So don’t put your pennies in somebody else’s piggy bank. 

• Do be prepared to have multiple conversations. Most negotiations require a series of conversations. Go into those conversations with the confidence that this is a predictable part of a process. So don’t let that intimidate you, and, to that end…

• Do co-design next steps at the end of each conversation. As you are wrapping up a conversation and you get a “we’ll have to run the numbers/check with Finance/get back to you” do take time to design a plan of who owes who what in follow up and when you can expect to reconnect. Then do reconnect at the designated time about status updates. 

• Do make sure you have documentation. Unless it’s documented (and in most cases, signed) the organization does not owe it to you. I’ll repeat this: if it’s not in writing, it’s not happening—no matter how much they “promise” verbally what comes in six months/12 months/two years. 

5. How will you prepare? According to some experts, the prep for a negotiation is where up to 80% of the work comes in, which is great news: because research also demonstrates that women tend to excel at prep, as compared to men (see above on “good girls” and let’s take the wins where we can get them). As you prepare for the conversation make sure you have an outline of your requests, a clear list of what is non-negotiable for you, a list of your questions for them to answer, and an ideal timeline for co-designing net steps.  

With that, please stow your tray table, return your seat to its upright and locked position, and stow larger electronic items like laptops. Thank you for flying with us today and I look forward to landing you at your goals shortly.