Martians attack ISIS: A Chanukah story

At first, ISIS commanders in Syria assumed the weird-looking jets came from America, the Great Satan. They’d never seen jets like that before — spherical and very agile. They could stop on a dime, explode at crazy speeds and release laser-like bombs that vaporize several targets at once. The ISIS weapons and the ferocity of its fighters were useless against this new strike force.

“Allahu Akbar!” became a desperate cry for help.

Via Twitter, ISIS commanders learned that this new force was focusing on the Middle East and attacking other countries in the region — Egypt, Jordan, Iran, Lebanon, Iraq and, yes, even the Little Satan, Israel. Word spread that Israel might have figured out a way to respond to this otherworldly threat with weapons of its own. The prime minister of Israel called a press conference for later that day, Sept. 12, 2025.

“We are aware of this new threat,” the prime minister said. “It comes from Mars. Our Interstellar Intelligence Division has been tracking them for years. We kept it under wraps so as not to alarm the planet.”

Thanks to its intelligence gathering, Israel had already developed innovative weaponry that could combat the Martian threat. The problem was, it didn’t have enough of these weapons. So, a program had to start immediately to replenish them on a scale grand enough to thwart the new enemy. America agreed to build them. Israel estimated that if the new weapons were ready within 60 days, they could keep the Martian forces at bay until then.

Secret meetings were held among Israeli commanders and leaders of major terrorist groups, including ISIS, Hezbollah and Hamas. Within a few days, it was decided to convene a major summit of Middle Eastern leaders in Jerusalem to hear more about Israel’s strategy for warding off this violent and mysterious new enemy.

Meanwhile, the Martians were pummeling Arab villages, cities and terrorist bases throughout the region. The Pyramids were laser-bombed into rubble. At the summit, the king of Saudi Arabia expressed alarm at the possibility that the Grand Mosque in Mecca would be destroyed.

“This is a holy site we must protect at all costs,” the king said. “If Mecca goes down, it would be as if our prophet were murdered, God forbid.”

“We must protect people first,” the Israeli commander responded. “But Israel will do what it can to protect your holiest sites. No promises. We are in crisis mode.”

As Israel’s defense systems were mobilized throughout the region, the tide began to turn. Terror groups were enlisted in the effort, primarily to keep peace in the streets and help feed the people. Israeli weapons destroyed three Martian jets over Iran. It was decided early on that nuclear devices would be useless because the collateral damage would kill millions of humans. Israel’s new weaponry was specifically designed to target Martian forces.

On the streets of the Middle East, word got out about Israel’s role. Arab media reported that Israeli forces were leading the fight against this “Green Satan,” as people were calling the Martian army.

Inside the surviving mosques, the imams’ sermons began to change. Fearful the Green Satan would demolish more holy sites, Muslim preachers prayed for the success of the Israeli forces. Millions of devout Muslims throughout the world joined in the prayers.

Then one Friday, the holiest day of the Muslim week, Martian forces launched an all-out assault on Mecca. Israel was prepared. Its intelligence had already alerted the IDF, giving Israeli commandos enough time to set up a 360-degree perimeter defense to thwart the attack. News spread around the world that the Jews of Israel had saved Mecca. A billion Muslims poured into the streets in cries of joy and gratitude. 

By now, America had mobilized the additional weapons and joined Israel in the fight. This helped secure the victory. The Great Satan and the Little Satan had joined forces to destroy the Green Satan. The last Martian jet could be seen fleeing planet Earth on the first night of Chanukah, prompting the whole world to embrace the Jewish holiday of light.

In the general euphoria, U.S. President LeBron James, after lighting a giant Chanukah menorah at the White House, announced that Middle East peace talks would finally resume. Meanwhile, the Palestinian Authority released a statement insisting that Israel return to the 1967 lines and stop building in the settlements.

David Suissa is president of TRIBE Media Corp./Jewish Journal and can be reached at davids@jewishjournal.com.