As we walk further into the month of Elul and prepare for the High Holy Days, we look back over the past year. What did we do right that we want to continue through the coming year? What do we wish we had done differently, and how can we right our past wrongs?
Our High Holy Day prayer book says God forgives us for sins against God, but God does not forgive us for sins against other people, until we have made peace with them. Or at least tried to.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, particularly since there is a person who I believe owes me an apology, and I’m quite sure that apology isn’t going to come. According to Jewish law, as I understand it, it is my obligation to sit down with this person, explain why I think I am owed an apology, and provide an opportunity to that person to give it, at which point I am then obligated to forgive them.
It sounds like a great plan, and if I were to receive a sincere apology, I would be more than happy to offer my forgiveness. But I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. I’m pretty sure that if I tried to have a conversation about it with this person, a sincere apology would not be forthcoming. I suspect the conversation would make things between us worse, not better.
So I haven’t asked for an apology. And I feel guilty about that. But I don’t think meeting with this person, just so I can say to myself, “I told you so” when things go badly, is the right thing to do, even if it follows the letter of the law.
Besides, I’m not convinced I’m in the right frame of mind to sincerely help the conversation to go in a positive direction, anyway. This person said some mean and inappropriate things about me to other people, and still greets me like we’re the best of friends. I think it’s the falseness that bothers me the most, and makes it the hardest for me to believe this person would make a sincere apology.
I also, frankly, feel resentful that this person greets me with such false warmth, because I strive to be sincere in all things, and every time I see this person I feel I’m being put into a position of either being rude or being falsely warm in response.
If I did sit down and ask for an apology, and didn’t get one, at least I could then say, “Okay, then please stop greeting me like everything between us is great, when it’s not.” Of course, there is no guarantee this person would agree to that plan, or would provide an honest answer if anyone asked why they didn’t seem to be getting along with me as well as in the past.
Part of me says I should sit down and have the conversation. Part of me says to just let it go and move on with my life. Part of me is still looking for a third option. There is, of course, a small chance this person will read this post, recognize themselves, and ask to meet with me.
It could happen, right?
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