Bullies among us

Tears can be good or bad; the worst tears of all accompany a child’s death. In this week’s portion, Vayeshev, Jacob experiences such tears when he sees the blood-soaked “coat of many colors” that he personally made for Joseph. Assuming Joseph’s death, Jacob declares, “I shall descend in mourning into Sheol,” the netherworld. Sheol comes from the root “to question.” Jacob shall never make sense of his tragic loss. His grief inconsolable, Jacob never stops questioning why and wondering “what if.”

Jacob eventually learns that Joseph did not die. Reuniting in Egypt, tears of grief become tears of joy. Many parents, however, do not get Jacob’s opportunity, and many youth do not receive the teenage Joseph’s new start in life. Recently, teenagers in seven states — Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Brandon Bitner, Justin Aaberg, Billy Lucas, Tyler Clementi and Zach Harrington — committed suicide. All were bullied. A Kaiser Foundation study found that 86 percent of children ages 12 to 15 receive teasing or bullying at school, making bullying more prevalent in our schools than smoking, alcohol, drugs or sex.

Newer technologies enable bullies to wreak havoc while remaining anonymous. The National Crime Prevention Council found that fully half of our teens are affected by cyberbullying. Some 35 percent have been threatened online; 41 percent have been bullied by text messaging. Half do not know their attackers’ identity. Some 58 percent have not told any adult, even their parents, about this.

Vayashev accurately portrays the dynamics of bullying. Joseph’s brothers align themselves against Joseph, creating the power imbalance bullies need. Originally, Joseph tends the flocks with his brothers; but after the bullying begins, he remains home. Victims of bullying avoid school (or the workplace) due to the emotional and physical toll.

Bullies envy and resent their victims. Jacob favors Joseph by making that darn coat; the brothers envy the love and attention Joseph gets. Joseph’s dreams reflect a deeply felt desire to upset the power imbalance, but they also fuel his brothers’ resentment.

Bullies blame their victim. Ramban claims that Joseph painted his eyes and colored his hair, so Joseph’s style and attention to it become their pretext. They may suspect he is gay or transgendered. Mental Health America reports that in the United States anti-gay slurs occur every 14 minutes. In such a climate, bullying prospers.

Bullies anger easily, quickly resort to force and show no remorse. Three times Joseph’s brothers react with “hate.” When Joseph arrives in Dothan, they quickly conspire to kill him. Joseph’s brothers cast him into the pit and then sit down to enjoy a meal.

Finally, bullies do not respect others’ authority. Joseph reports his brothers’ behavior, but Jacob does not act. He may not fully believe Joseph’s reports, understand their implications or admit his own role. Tim Field, the activist on workplace bullying, taught that “bullies thrive wherever authority is weak.”

So Joseph is left with nowhere to turn. He remains true to himself. Nowhere does he change his style, his looks or his speech to fit in. Created in God’s Image, he need not change. The rabbis’ epithet “Joseph HaTzaddik” indicates that Joseph is “righteous” and “innocent” of unrighteous bullying.

In the haftarah, God rejects us for allowing “the selling of the innocent [tzaddik] for money” and the “trampling of the heads of the poor into the dust of the ground” (Amos 2:6-7). The family dynamics of bullying in Joseph’s time later becomes a cultural
marker that now define the entire
community. 

Bullying has long-term effects on families and communities. So, what shall we do? Let’s implement a “no teasing” policy in our homes, schools and synagogues. Let’s establish safe zones for those who exhibit differences, especially in personal style. Let’s tolerate no discriminatory language (e.g., “that’s so gay”). Let’s remind our children that God created them just fine, and that bullying is not OK. Let’s speak with appropriate school personnel and hold them accountable. Let’s give our youth the tools to instantly notify selected adults when facing online bullying. Finally, let’s begin an honest and holy communal cheshbon hanefesh (stock-taking) to explore what cultural and social cues have empowered the bullies.

These last sad weeks have shown us that too many of our youth find suicide preferable to life, and too many parents find themselves, as Jacob, faced with senseless loss and inconsolable grief. Please, God, no more tears of Jacob, and no more despairing, lost Josephs.

Rabbi J.B. Sacks is a professor of Jewish thought at the Academy for Jewish Religion, California.