September 18, 2019

Fantasy Judaism for Chanukah

As seen in The Jewish Week

When you think unusual and extravagant holiday gifts, the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalogue automatically comes to mind. In conjunction with the publication of their commemorative book “Over the Top: Fifty Years of Fantasy Gifts from the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book,” JInsider asked comedian Marvin Silbermintz to compile a list of essential fantasy gifts for Chanukah. 

Batting Practice with Sandy Koufax
The Greatest (really, the only) Legendary Jewish Baseball Player is available to give yourself, or your Little Leaguer, one-on-one training. And you don’t have to be in his hometown of Brooklyn.

Sandy will come to your doorstep, sign autographs for your entire family, and then join you in your backyard for batting practice. After an hour, his senior-citizen’s arm will certainly tire out – and you’ll be able to brag you hit a homerun off the champ!

Included are 50 bags of peanuts, and 50 hotdogs (Hebrew National).*

*Mr. Koufax is not available on Yom Kippur.

Large Print Torah
Finally – a torah that can be read by the elderly members of the congregation.
At a massive 12 feet high and 500 feet long (unrolled), it requires four Jews to open and read. Forget about hagbah, though.

Kosher for Shabbos Sound System
Now the entire ‘shul’ can hear the ‘rebbe’ give his ‘shabbos shumz’.
A radical new concept in audio amplification: 12-trained parrot sits inside a specially designed podium/aviary, ready to repeat the rabbi’s every word. The resulting sound is loud enough to be heard throughout the sanctuary – even in the women’s section!

Unbreakable Matzoh
What is more disconcerting than opening a brand new box of matzoh, and finding the contents have shattered in transit – resulting in matzoh meal?

And have you been frustrated when you try spreading cream cheese on matzoh, only to have it crumble in your hands?

‘Unbreakable Matzoh’ is made from flour, water, and Tyvek (the stuff FedEx uses for their envelopes!). It won’t break, splinter, or crack.*

*If colon blockage occurs, discontinue use.

Phone Call from Jackie Mason
Buy it for someone you hate. Like your ex-husband;
“Hey, Mister Bigshot. You thought you’d dump Esther and get something better?
I heard she’s dating a doctor. A surgeon. And you’re spending your nights browsing JDate. You’re such a shmendrick.”

JDate: The Boxed Set
Now relive your dating years with this all-inclusive video compilation.
Thousands of pleas from desperate middle aged women and divorced men.
Slip in a DVD – and feel better about your life.

Talking Mezuzah
When kissed, it responds with a random phrases by The Voice of God*;
“Right back at yah, big fella.”
“What’s new, Jew?”
“C’Mon in – didja eat yet?”
“Your hand smells funny. What have you been doing?”.

*Celebrity impersonation by James Earl Jones

A Chanukah Week of Celebrity Lullabies
Doesn’t your grandchild deserve the best? Imagine the thrill the precious toddler will have when, each night for a week, he or she is sung to sleep by a legendary Jewish singer – right there, in person, at the bedside. Includes:
NIGHT 1: SIMON OR GARFUNKLE (your choice)- “Sounds of Silence”
NIGHT 2: ‘PETER (but not Paul and Mary)’ – ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’
NIGHT 3: THEODORE BIKEL – ‘Tzena Tzena / Bi Mir Bist Du Shoen / Tumbalalayka’ (medley and more)
NIGHT 4: BARBRA STREISAND – ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade’
NIGHT 5: ZAC EFRON – ‘Can I Have This Dance’ (‘High School Musical Three’)
NIGHT 6: DAVID LEE ROTH – ‘Just a Gigalo / I Ain’t Got Nobody’
NIGHT 7: AMY WINEHOUSE – ‘De Vieber Hut Farblunget’
The 8th night is a BONUS NIGHT – you can either request a visit by Bowser of Sha Na Na, or the return of one on the previous singers – at no extra charge!*

*Ms. Streisand is not available for a second appearance.

Marvin Silbermintz is a prize-winning comedian who wrote Jay Leno’s monologue for 19 years and appeared often as Jay’s Rabbi, Marvin currently does stand-up, lectures, writes and stars in the Chabad telethon (www.FunnyFromBirth.com).