Who Should Pay on a First Date?

The old adage goes, if you have two Jews, there are three opinions. When it comes to dating, men fear if a woman insists on paying, it means she is not interested, yet some women say they want to pay to show their independence and do not want the man to expect intimacy.

Los Angeles resident Patti Stanger, host of the hit Bravo series “The Millionaire Matchmaker” founded the Millionaire’s Club, where she has made matches across the country. She said women, especially in Gen Z who think it’s their job to pay on a first date need to listen up.

“My answer is a big no,” Stanger said. “Once a woman touches money, she becomes masculine energy. You want to make him dinner? Fine. You don’t like him? Sorry. That’s the price of you coming out and giving him company. He offered. No one put a gun to his head. Don’t let him become the lazy lion. He likes the feeling of paying. That’s the feeling of je ne sais quoi that makes him ask you out all the time. You take that away, he becomes the woman, you become the man, and then nobody’s happy.”

Stanger said when it comes to the LGBTQ+community, the general rule is that whoever asks the other person out should pay and usually, it will become evident that one person is an alpha and the other is a beta in the relationship. But anyone taking someone should be sensible according to their means, she said.

“You don’t have to go to Spago, you can go to The Olive Garden,” she said. “You can go to a movie. You can be creative on your dates.”

Stanger said while her male Jewish clients from New York to Miami to the Midwest understand chivalry, some who have moved to Los Angeles do not, where in one case a “gazillionaire” didn’t pay for a woman’s valet parking, which she said is a bad move.

JSwipe founder David Yarus, who also is a speaker who travels to events and gives advice, said while people may think there should be rules, it’s about comfort level.

“If the question is she should or shouldn’t be able to, I’d question the dynamic overall,” said Yarus, who lives in Miami. “She should be able, empowered, and celebrated to do whatever feels good and most aligned and true to her. If that’s an expressed desire or need (to pay) and her suitor doesn’t receive that with honor and respect, that’s a red flag to me!”

Susan Shapiro has set up 30 couples who have gotten married, and she is known for her innovative teaching style in classes at Columbia University, NYU, The New School and now on Zoom that have enabled even first-time writers to turn their relationship or other experience into articles in high profile media outlets or book deals. So what’s the deal with paying on the first date?

The author of 17 books including the page-turning memoir, “Five Men Who Broke My Heart,” says that it starts with one thing.

“I think communication is key,” Shapiro said. “If you ask someone out, it seems like you are treating and if you don’t plan on doing that the major thing is you should put it out up front. The trick is to be honest. If a guy takes a woman out and all of a sudden, the bill comes and he’s like, ‘yours is $4’ I think that comes off like an insult. If a woman asks a man out, I think the implication is similar, that she should treat.”

Shapiro also says when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community, it should be whoever asks the other person out.

Marla Friedson, who hosts the “Schmuckboys” podcast on Jewish dating with Libby Walker as part of the Journal’s podcast network. Friedson, moved from Connecticut to Los Angeles, and said there is a reason she has offered to go Dutch.

“If I’m out with a guy and I’m fairly confident I’m not gonna want to see him again, then I will offer to split,” she said. “In my mind, I’m like, if I let him pay for this and then he asks me out again, and I say ‘no,’ I don’t want him to feel like I used him for a drink or a meal. If I’m really into someone, I probably would not offer to split because I know I want to see them again.”

Aaron Raimi and Daniel Ebrahimi are the CEO and CMO of MeetJew, an online group that they started during the pandemic to serve as a Jewish dating platform as an app would act, but on Facebook. There’s a MeetJew survey which uses an algorithm to find suitable matches. MeetJew is responsible for more than 12 marriages, 100 couples dating, more than 20 engagements while boasting 70,000 global members. The group also does in-person events across the country.

“I think there is confusion that men hear women want to be independent but then hear ‘why won’t this guy pay for me?’” said Raimi, who lives in San Diego. “It’s a mixed message and some guys are left wondering what the expectations are. Some women have offered to pay. I pay for first dates because I was raised with traditional values, and I’ve found that women are happy and pleasantly surprised when I pay on the first date and decline their offer.”

Erin Davis, a New York based Wingwoman, who was featured in the New York Post and hosts Shabbatt dinners for singles, said many of her make clients have been scratching their heads.

“This is a massive trend where my male clients come to me and are so confused,” Davis said. “They say they’re not sure if they should pay. It’s a sensitive subject where women may wonder if the man will think he is owed something, so they want to pay if they’re not interested, and I think most men don’t want women to think that. Also, men have told me some female daters dates have said, ‘I’m an independent woman and I want to pay, and don’t like this tradition.”

Davis, who is single, says she was raised “old-school” and believes on the first date a man should pay. She added that it is more convenient for a first date to be a drink, rather than dinner. She was also a host of “Bubbies Know Best” a series where Jewish grandmothers selected people they thought should date each other.

Elan Kornblum, president of Great Kosher Restaurants Media Group, whose Facebook page “Great Kosher Restaurant Foodies” has nearly 80,000 members, said he knows women in some cases are comfortable offering to pay or leaving the tip.

”I’m traditional, so yes, a  guy should pay for it,” Kornblum said of a first date, adding that anyone who takes a person out on a date should be communicative and respectful to both their date and the staff whether it’s a restaurant or anywhere else.

Kevin Nahai, a Los-Angeles based life coach and speaker who specializes in dating and personal relationships, comes from a Persian Jewish family and overcame a stomach ailment, anxiety and depression when he was 19.  He said he thinks there is a clear answer.

“In modern society, there’s a lot more room for splitting dates and I know that some believe whoever does the asking out should be the one to pay,” he said. “My perspective tends to be traditional, and I tell men to set chivalrous and gentlemanly tone, so I tend to advise them to pay for the first date.”

Yitz Jordan, also known as Y-Love, works in programming, media, and one of his goals is to gives Jews of color a voice. A rapper who has performed at some of the hottest venues and still loves to perform. He said in his experience asking men on dates, there was a rule but sometimes exception.

“It’s generally who asks, but it can come down to who makes more,” said Jordan who is not single. “Sometimes, it’s that obvious. In times where I dated a guy that made the same as me, we took turns paying.”

Leah Gottfied, creator, writer and actress on the YouTube series “Soon By You” about Orthodox Jewish dating in New York City, said she believes the man should pay and women should not worry about expectations with a bill.

“In terms of gender equality, there are other places to start,” Gottfried said. “I think when women are being paid equally and treated equally and have equal access and opportunity, I think we can pay for things equally on dates. That a man would pay doesn’t guarantee anything and if a woman is worried about that, it’s probably a sign she shouldn’t be on a date with him.”