Ask Wendy

When Is It Too Late?

Dear Wendy,

A close friend of my parents passed away six months ago and I never wrote a card or paid a shiva call. Is it too late to right this wrong, tactfully?

Belated Condolence Conundrum

Dear Belated,

Your dilemma is a familiar one. Most people — including myself — will do anything to put off paying a shiva call unless it is that of a very close friend or relative. It’s an awkward moment and it’s never clear what to say, where to sit, whom to speak with. Of course there is no right thing to say and there are no words that can offer comfort at a time of great loss. However, that does not excuse the failure even to try. If your parents’ friend had died two or three years ago I would have let you off the hook — as my sister did for me after I was still bemoaning my failure to write a friend 10 years after her husband had died. But within the first year, it is still acceptable to write a condolence note. If you don’t write, your parents’ friend will probably not notice, but you will never forgive yourself. Moreover, a heartfelt condolence note sent today might carry more weight than one that arrived with the storm of them six months ago. It’s a blessing to know you and your loss are still on someone’s mind — if only for reasons of guilt.

Hubby Needs a Hand

Dear Wendy,

My husband relies on me for everything, and when something doesn’t get done to his liking he blames me. He won’t make his own doctor appointments, but when I make them he says, “Why did you put me down for that time?” I don’t mind helping out every now and then, but he is not my child. How do I convey to my husband that I am not responsible for his affairs?

Worn-Out Wife

Dear Worn-Out,

You are already accustomed to taking the blame, so let me heap on some more. If you had balked the first, second or third times your husband asked you to make him a dentist appointment, you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in now. Believe me, when he could no longer drink a cup of hot coffee or eat ice cream without experiencing acute pain, your husband would have called the dentist on his own. Ditto for making an appointment to have his car serviced or his television set repaired. And the list goes on. It is your behavior that has to change, and I would suggest going cold turkey. Stop treating your husband as if he is your child and he will be forced to stop behaving as such. But buckle up; the transition is going to be rocky. Parents and children have years to prepare for adulthood and the responsibilities that accompany it. Your husband is going to be jolted into adulthood overnight. And you may experience symptoms of empty-nest syndrome. If you do, go the time-honored route: Get a dog.

Jews in the Military

Dear Wendy,

I believe that national defense is particularly important now for the United States, and even more so for the Jewish population. Yet how many Jews do you hear about who enlist in the armed services? Our children should forego college (for a while, at least), join the military, share in our defense and not expect or allow others to do our dirty work. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if more Arab Americans than Jews served in the armed forces?

All-American Mom

Dear All-American,

True, I have yet to meet a Jewish mother who readily lists the military along with medicine and the law when describing her child’s projected career path. But religion is not the point. No parent brings a child into the world at ease with the idea that he or she will perish on a battlefield. Specifically mothers. And because I am a mother, even as it appears inevitable that our country is on the verge of war, I cannot root for any child to enlist in the military. Of course I understand that, not only does my reaction fail to address your question, it is highly unrealistic given our country’s current state of affairs. What I do know for certain — and I will tell you even though you did not ask and — is that if women were in positions to resolve wars and military conflicts, your query would be moot. Political, territorial, and religious conflicts would be resolved, at any cost, to prevent having to put the lives of our children at risk. I bank on this.