The last “Dear Tabby” was published in the Journal’s Rosh Hashanah issue, and since then, there was an extraordinary occurrence: In the aftermath of the Oct. 7 massacre, several extraterrestrials, identifying themselves only with first and last names based on characters from 1980s American sitcoms, made contact with me when I accidentally tried to charge my Bluetooth-enabled phone by plugging it into an old fax machine.
Bewildered, I nevertheless regained my journalistic composure and began to write down their questions, as well as their urgent request for humans to send Roger Waters back to his home planet. Apparently, he had been sent here decades ago to produce slumber-inducing music that would anesthetize earthlings while aliens planted unnoticeable trackers in our heels, but went rogue when he learned how to program himself from “musician” to “fanatic.” His planetary overlords have been trying to retrieve him back since.
Whether extraterrestrial or human, if you have questions for this mostly-useful advice column, please email deartabby@jewishjournal.com and rest assured that all names will be confidential, or borrowed from classic sitcoms.
Dear Tabby,
Greetings from planet Y2Kainite. There is tremendous speculation on our planet regarding the perpetrators of Oct. 7. How should we respond to those among us who insist that the perpetrators, whom we have identified as “Hamas,” are in fact, not human?
Thank you,
Alex P. Keaton
Dear “Alex,”
Please tell the skeptics on your home planet that the perpetrators were indeed human beings, however unimaginably evil. And with regards to delivering Mr. Waters back to you, would mid-January be a viable option?
Along the same lines, we, on planet Cyberg (our first settlers may have been Jewish), noticed many locations on earth that were filled with anti-Israel demonstrators on Oct. 8.
Dear Tabby,
Along the same lines, we, on planet Cyberg (our first settlers may have been Jewish), noticed many locations on earth that were filled with anti-Israel demonstrators on Oct. 8. Our trackers are having a difficult time explaining this phenomenon and are wondering if you may help them understand why earthlings would fill the streets to bash Israel a few hours after it sustained what we refer to on our planet as an “irreparable catastrophe of volcanic proportions.”
Sincerely,
Louise Jefferson
Dear “Louise,”
Please inform your trackers that antisemites are antisemitic precisely because of their refusal to see Jews are human beings. Therefore, to them, all Jews, and by extension, Israelis, whether infants, mothers, grandmothers or soldiers, are fair game, and all “resistance” against them, however hideously cruel, is justified. To those protestors, whether on Oct. 8 or today, Israel can do no right, unless, that is, it finally agrees to cease to exist. Those demonstrators would have taken to the streets whether Israel lost 120 or 1,200 innocents. Though, in some places, more candy would have been passed out if the casualties had been closer to 12,000.
Dear Tabby,
Greetings from TT8675309, a small, but proud planet. Lately, hundreds of us have been drawn to Christianity (we love your earthly and corpulent “Santa Claus”) and this year, for the first time, we will be celebrating the holiday earthlings call “Christmas.” We are wondering whether it is possible to celebrate the birth of the Jewish-turned-rebel, Jesus, over 2,000 years ago, without acknowledging that Jews lived in Israel before 1948. We prefer to acknowledge both, but so many Christians and Catholic earthlings are now denying the latter that frankly, we are rather confused.
Warmly,
Dr. Cliff Huxtable
Dear “Dr. Huxtable,”
You are right to be confused. You must have learned through observation and tracking (hopefully, not probing), human beings are complicated and at times, irredeemably foolish creatures. Please spare us your imminent domination so that we may attempt to repair our thoughts and actions. And know that an alien takeover of planet Earth won’t be met with resistance; our heads are always down and our eyes only view our phones; we wouldn’t even notice your landing until it was too late. Enjoy your new holiday and be careful not to shoot down Santa. And consider celebrating Hanukkah; cream-filled sufganiyot are truly out of this world.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X/Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael
