You’re 100% Right. Now, Here’s Where You’re Wrong.

The following statement is attributed to the head of a yeshiva: “You’re right. You’re one hundred percent right; now, here’s where you’re wrong.” How can someone be not only right, but one hundred percent right, and also wrong?

I think the rebbe was suggesting that nothing is ever completely one way or the other. There is invariably another thought, a nuance, a possibility. There is always room to accommodate another point of view, because no opinion is air-tight, total, complete and inclusive. This obviously does not apply to terrorists whose only aim is to sow death and mayhem.

A problem arises when people do not listen to one another. Really listen. Shakespeare called it “the disease of not listening.” Mark Twain wrote that “wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would have rather talked.” One should note that the words “listen” and “silent” are written with the same letters: Listening requires the individual to stop talking and to pay attention to someone else. And when we do listen, it should be for serious engagement. Stephen Covey said that “most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Eastern cultures are aware of the need for listening. The Dalai Lama said that “when you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”

Referring to the three Buddhist steps to repairing a relationship, Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh writes that deep listening is challenging to the Western mind “with its individualistic ideal of self-reliance that too readily metastasises into self-righteousness [and] we grow incredibly insecure at the prospect of being wrong.” The purpose of real listening, deep listening, is to restore communication.

The American business community has picked up on this important lesson of deep listening. Speaking to Leadership Academy, body language specialist Jan Hargrave said that “the average person speaks between 135 and 160 words per minute, but the average person’s brain works between 400 and 600 words per minute. This means your mind is going a lot faster than your conversation partner’s mouth, which makes it easy for your mind to drift. It’s up to you to stop your mind from shifting away from the conversation and to be truly present.” Naz Beheshti, executive coach, adds that “a culture of listening is a culture of learning … Deep listeners listen with the intent to learn and connect.”

The culture of deep listening has its roots in the Jewish tradition, as the rebbe’s teaching implies. The importance of listening is stressed throughout the Torah. The most obvious is the Shema Yisrael, “Hear O Israel, the Lord is God, the Lord is One” (Deuteronomy 6:4), expressing the fundamental belief in monotheism. Moses tells the Israelites that God will give them a land as he promised Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, but “they would not listen to Moses, their spirits crushed by cruel bondage” (Exodus 6:9). This verse demonstrates that the condition of slavery is not conducive to hearing a message of importance and urgence. It requires free men and women in a free exchange of ideas.

Jethro, father-in-law of Moses, tells him: “Now listen to me. I will give you counsel and God be with you.” Moses follows his advice to set up a system of courts and all Israel benefitted from Moses’s willingness to listen (Exodus 18:19).

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote that teaching and listening are “forms of engagement.” They create a relationship. His term is “active listening,” rather than “deep listening,” but the idea is the same. When parties feel that they have not been heard, that there is a failure of empathy, then resolving a conflict is impossible. Active listening “means that we are open to the other, that we respect them, that their perceptions and feelings matter to us. We give them permission to be honest, even if it means making ourselves vulnerable in so doing … Crowds are moved by great speakers,” he points out, “but lives are changed by great listeners.”

Active listening “means that we are open to the other, that we respect them, that their perceptions and feelings matter to us.”

The preamble to the American constitution begins with the words “We the people” and specifies that the constitution is for “the general welfare” of the nation. Israel’s Declaration of Independence states that Israel was established “for the benefit of all its inhabitants.” These foundational words represent a clarion call for unity through cooperation. We need to heed them today.

If a forum were established in America, where Republicans and Democrats came together to truly listen to one another, not to win, but to understand, not to score points but to gain insight, is it possible that bridges could be built to replace the echo chambers that exist?

If a forum were established in Israel after the war, where religious and secular, those on the left and those on the right, came to listen to the other side, not to repeat what they know, but to learn something new, not with the intent to reply, but to understand and engage, is it not possible that Jews could find common ground instead of divide their threatened country?

Perhaps each side would find that they are one hundred percent right but not perfect. If everyone came to listen and learn, to communicate and engage, would that not be a critical first step? And maybe they would see a way to accommodate the concerns of others.

Dr. Paul Socken is Distinguished Professor Emeritus and founder of the Jewish Studies Program at the University of Waterloo.