My wife and I have three boys. After many late-night discussions and nine disagreements, we decided we like all three. They all went to Jewish day school. All had their bar mitzvot in Israel. Two spent a gap year in Israel. All went to the University of Maryland. Two of the three even met the future Mrs. Schiffs at the university. All married Jewish women.
After four years of college, many parents are gifted back anti-American, antisemitic, socialist mental patients. We’re lucky that the love in our home, a solid Jewish education, and multiple trips to Israel kept them firmly Jewish and American. It wasn’t cheap. But thanks to smart money managers, our retirement portfolio has enough money for the rest of our lives, provided we don’t need shoe inserts or sun block.
When each was married, we shook the money tree along with our in-laws and forked over a nice chunk. After three weddings, I am now assured I will need to remain gainfully employed for decades to come.
Even though our kids have good-paying jobs, we are still paying their T-Mobile phone plan. Twenty minutes after a colonoscopy, still clouded from anesthesia, one of my sons had me sign the T-Mobile contract, which obligates us until December of 2094.
Some time ago, my wife and I set up a group chat with the boys and explained that it was time for them to pay their own phone bills. After muting us for 15 seconds, they came back on and threatened to block our numbers if we scraped the original deal.
We never minded helping with first cars, insurance, food, dental braces, Pokémon cards, etc. You know the deal. That’s what parents do. But as time slid by and things got more expensive, and an upper tooth began to throb, we made the decision to cut the umbilical money cord. For close to 30 years, we forked up whatever we could afford and were happy to do it. It was now time for them to experience the exhilaration of staring at a pile of bills, not knowing where the money would come from. It was time to cap the fire hydrant.
So, we met each son individually and told them it was time to take the reins. I don’t think they liked our idea – who would? – but they all complied. We also let them know (my wife’s idea) that if they ever got stuck, we would be there for them.
With the help of their wives, our kids are now paying their own bills (except for T-Mobile) and are self-supporting through their own contributions. We could not be prouder of them.
Not too long after the cord was cut, we began getting the most wonderful news imaginable: there were pregnancies. We were soon to become grandparents. One after another, these happy new faces arrived. More thrilled we could not be. This was a new lease on life.
Then I had an aha moment. This grandchildren thing was the scam of all scams. It’s our kids’ way of shaking the money tree again. Each blessed grandchild was desperately in need of expensive things only we could supply, such as bottle warmers, bouncers, windup swing sets, etc. Trips to New York City, including the first birthday party where they got me a vegan ice cream cone, cost thousands of dollars in airfare and hotels. We converted one of our bedrooms into a playroom that resembles a small toy store. How could we possibly tell the little ones to go get a job?
I remember the rabbis teaching that we should not worry about having more children and grandchildren because God would provide. I’ve yet to receive a check signed by God in my mailbox.
But both of us are grateful for every child, daughter-in-law and grandchild they give us, and for the love it brings. We can’t imagine a life without any of these people. We love them all so dearly. But to be honest, we are about two or three grandchildren away from pitching a tent in front of one of their homes. Hopefully, if we do, they’ll let the kids sleep out under the stars with their Zayde and Ninny and let us use their T-Mobile phones we pay for.
Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer and hosts, along with Danny Lobell, the “We Think It’s Funny” podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”
