How To Plant Seeds of Hate This Spring (A Satire)

The following is a work of satire.
March 27, 2024
John Ross/Getty Images; John Scott/Getty Images

The following is a work of satire. The author is not responsible for any unwanted weeds, radioactive vegetables or genocidal flowers that may bloom as a result of implementing the suggestions below. For more information on how to order limited-edition seed packets, please call the Gaza Ministry of Ballistic Missiles and Horticulture at 011-970-8-YAY-HAMAS.

Spring is finally here, and for those who have waited patiently all winter for those first signs of soft, pink blossoms on fragile tree branches or fresh, dewy grass beneath their feet, now is the perfect time to invest in a few spring gardening tips that will enrich your charming garden and feed your hateful soul. 

Most gardening enthusiasts know that investing in a vibrant and thriving spring garden takes time and effort. It may also pose a challenge to those whose precious time is already limited due to a rabid obsession with Israel that motivates them to attend countless rallies, shut down streets, airports and freeways and impulsively hurl their laptops against the marble kitchen counter after learning that their devices contain Intel’s Core M processors, which were developed in Israel. 

Ask anyone who hates Jews, but loves gardening, about how they manage to carve out time for their passion for dead Jews and their passion for living plants, and they will confess that it has never been more difficult to balance both pursuits in healthy, meaningful ways. 

But this spring, you may not have to sacrifice either passion, thanks to a few simple tips for spring gardening that will ensure an Instagram-worthy garden and a TikTok-worthy video rant against persistent Jews who, for some reason, keep insisting that they have a right to live. 

Nurture the Right Environment for Hate

Like citrus trees or ferns, hate will not thrive in just any environment. Green thumbs (or green/white/red/black thumbs) know that good gardening begins with the right soil. Israel has selfishly destroyed much of the Hamas-made tunnel network in Gaza, which took decades of painstaking labor and foreign aid to build. But in anticipation of spring, Hamas officials have managed to salvage several hundred pounds of soil from these sentimental tunnels and announced plans to export them to Europe, Canada and the United States. 

The “Liberation Soil,” as it is being branded, contains unique nutrients and additives found only in Gaza and other merciless dictatorships in the Middle East, namely potassium and nitrogen, and small fragments of aluminum, carbon steel and other alloys from Hamas missiles and rifles that accidentally exploded in tunnels at the wrong time. It should be noted that Hamas is requesting any customer who finds a set of Kia car keys in their bag of “Liberation Soil” to immediately air mail the keys back to Gaza, care of chief horticulturalist and rare orchid expert Yahya Sinwar. 

When Hamas asked officials from nearby Middle Eastern states, including Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates whether they were also interested in purchasing the patented soil, several officials were rumored to have said, “We already have enough of that garbage here. Try the Canadians.” 

This spring, Egypt’s loss is certainly our gain. 

The One Tool to Have in Your Garden Shed This Spring

Spring gardening also requires the right tools, but not all gardening tools are created equal. For months, our test labs have experimented with some of the most popular tools for removing weeds, lightly raking topsoil and properly aerating and irrigating deeper soil. While shovels and hoes may suffice for first-time gardeners, our tests revealed that the best tool for gardening this spring is right in your garage, coat closet or for the more impassioned, car trunk: a long, heavy, wooden pole attached to a large banner that says, “Globalize the Intifada!”

Our test labs found that wooden poles attached to thinly-veiled genocidal signs and banners proved more sturdy, weather-resistant and versatile than shovels for proper digging and ventilation. Though shovels were still the proven winners for gently reminding pro-Israel Jews and their allies that they are not welcome on campus, at street rallies or at the first annual tulip festival at the Yasser Arafat Botanical Garden in San Francisco.

Invest in Heirloom, Non-GMO Seeds

Similar to gardening tools, not all seeds are created equal. This spring, we recommend planting new, heirloom “Seeds of Hate” seed packets, carefully cultivated and packed by Hamas experts (non-GMO varieties may also be purchased abroad from Hamas partners Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad and the Guns N’ Roses division of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps, which specializes in crude weaponry and fragrant heirloom rose seeds). 

After months of indoor growth and care, we enthusiastically recommend the following Seeds of Hate varieties, which are compatible with most American planting zones ranging from Zone 1 to Zone 7. As always, it is best to consult with the USDA Plant Hardiness Zone Map before planting seeds, including Seeds of Hate:

• PLO-delia Flowers: This exciting new variety comes in black, white or purple color options. 

• Justice Shrubs: An excellent choice for concealing terrorists, weapons or large bags of “Liberation Soil.” Fast-growing and low-maintenance alternative to most other shrubs. 

• Gaza Heirloom Tomatoes: Perfect for Non-Zionist Salad when mixed with Persian cucumbers, red onions and fresh herbs. The tomatoes are also excellent on bagels with capers, cream cheese and lox — a Palestinian specialty that has been appropriated by Jews for 300 years. 

• Gamal Abdel Nasturtiums: This latest variety comes in variegated colors and trailing options. Readers should note a warning package on the seed label that explicitly warns against planting Gamal Abdel Nasturtiums within two feet of other flowers, due to the risk that the nasturtiums pose in promoting rapid nationalism and Pan-Flowerism in flower beds large and small. 

• CeaseFire Cayenne Peppers: While local Hamas farmers have repeatedly stated that this particular variety is milder than others, our taste testers have still not recovered any sensations in their tongues or mouths in the past six months since consuming them.. 

• From the River to the Sea Non-GMO Fertilizer: This unique product speaks for itself. 

Compost is Key

Composting is key to soil health and it also reduces the need for dangerous pesticides and non-organic fertilizers. Yet we feel obligated to remind readers that despite our multiple efforts, the following materials were not found to be compostable: ripped-down posters of missing Israeli hostages (the paper was too glossy); American flags of all sizes; jarred gefilte fish that seemed to last well beyond its expiration date and therefore never fully decomposed; and least compostable of all, the metaphoric will and resilience of the Jewish people, which we repeatedly attempted to break down, unsuccessfully.

Various tests revealed that the most compostable types of paper were those found on copies of past peace agreements, as well as degrees from Ivy League universities.

We have always known that paper is a wonderful organic material for composting, but for reasons still unknown to our experts, various tests revealed that the most compostable types of paper that broke down the fastest were those found on copies of past peace agreements, as well as degrees from Ivy League universities. 

Whatever you choose to sow this spring, we hope you will reap an abundance of hate, fanaticism and Russian propaganda that will last long into the summer and fall. Happy gardening.

Tabby Refael is an award-winning writer, speaker and weekly columnist for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Follow her on X/Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael.

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