I’ll Be Out in an Hour

A very prominent Rabbi who loves ice cubes found it hard to justify the extra money to get a fridge with a built-in ice cube maker when his old fridge went kerplunk. To him, it seemed like an extravagance. After phoning the head Rabbi of Antarctica, the Antarctica Rabbi ruled that he should get the ice cube maker. The Rabbi said the built-in would also help to keep Shalom Bayit (peace in the marriage). He said he knew of a couple where the husband kept forgetting to fill the ice tray and she divorced him. Two months later, the Antarctica Rabbi became lunch for a local walrus when he entered the ocean for his daily mikvah. 

We are blessed to live in an age where the purchase of an occasional extravagance can make our lives so much more pleasant. 

When Abraham Lincoln was growing up, if at night he needed to go potty, even if it was 10 below zero, he had to make the trek 50 or so feet outdoors to the outhouse. The outhouse was the size of a box a new refrigerator comes in. Back then, going out at night meant taking your life in your hands. The woods were teaming with grizzlies, mountain lions and snakes, to name a few. Lincoln lived at a time when, even if you had money, there were few excesses to purchase to make your life more bearable. 

I am not a big excess guy. But occasionally, I will get the urge to go wild. Thirty years ago, I had a steam room put into my home bathroom and installed one in every house I’ve since lived in. I still use it practically every day. 

My recent new purchase is my second big bathroom extravagance. To be transparent, I need to tell you that I did not first consult a rabbi before placing this order.

I have two friends who recently installed a Toto Washlet Electric Toilet in their homes. These are rich people who can afford to flush money down the toilet. Hearing their praises of the Toto, I knew I had to get one. 

The Toto is life-changing. It is the Dom Perignon Rose Gold Methuselah of toilets. Your timeworn ice-cold plastic/wood/porcelain seat is now an artifact compared to this baby. Finally the word “restroom” makes sense. This turns your everyday bodily function into a mini vacation to the Caribbean. Sitting on this thing is like flying first class. It’s my new office.

I don’t have time to go into all its functions because I must get back there and finish reading Ulysses, which I started this morning. I would have finished all 772 pages in one sitting, but I am an unhurried reader.  But here are a few:

The seat warmer has three functions. They are low, medium, and burnt toast. When people over at my house come out of my bathroom after a session, they smile like they just hit the lottery. And they love sharing their experience.

There is the warm water bidet function that you can choose between oscillating or pulsating modes adjustable in five different positions. Importantly it would help if you remembered to turn the bidet off; otherwise, it’s like the fountain outside The Bellagio in Las Vegas. 

My favorite is the fan that dries you by blowing warm air. Need I say more without crossing the line?

I’m being honest when I tell you that you never want to leave this thing. If Jewish scholars of the third and sixth centuries CE had the Toto, there would be no Talmud.

One function I chose not to include is the automatic lid that goes up and down when you enter the bathroom. Who am I, King Salman of Saudi Arabia that I need the thing to bow to me?  

One function I chose not to include is the automatic lid that goes up and down when you enter the bathroom. Who am I, King Salman of Saudi Arabia that I need the thing to bow to me?  Although in some circles, it is called a throne.

This is as close to going back to the womb as possible. The water heater can reach temperatures ranging from 86 to 104 degrees. Perhaps one day if it’s meant to be, Toto will attach an icemaker, so a person doesn’t have to keep running into the kitchen for more ice cubes.  If you ring my doorbell and I don’t answer, you will know exactly where I am.

Mark Schiff is a comedian, actor and writer, and host of the ‘You Don’t Know Schiff’ podcast. His new book is “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage and Chutzpah.”