Satirical Semite: Plasticity

For the last five years, I’ve seriously considered having a cosmetic procedure. Not to have a classic LA nose job, but for a little reconstructive surgery on the side of my head where, five years ago, I had a couple of brain surgeries. My reasoning was that the treatment would heal some emotional distress, and reset to how things were before. And of course, my photos would look better on Instagram.

Four years ago, I met with a kind Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon, who told me to avoid surgery, and just grow my hair. That immediately saved $7000 on the medical procedure, in addition to a monthly outgoing of $29 at Supercuts.

But my demons wouldn’t rest, and I still wanted to explore my options. Last week I met with a National Health Service (NHS) surgeon in the UK, who suggested removing fat cells from my stomach, and injecting them near my face. “I’ll start eating donuts and go on a binge,” I said. He looked serious. “You can’t do that. Fat cells behave the same way around the body. If we took stomach fat cells and injected them into your head, but you then lost weight, then you would also lose weight from your face. Conversely, if you gained weight in your stomach, you would also gain weight on the side of your head.” On reflection, I won’t be dunking any donuts today.

“Are there any other risks, like damaging my ocular nerve?” I asked. He reluctantly admitted that the procedure could lead to blindness in one eye. So I would look better, but wouldn’t be able to see it.

“What about an implant?” I asked, having heard about a procedure where they insert a thin strip of silicon under the skin. “I wouldn’t recommend it,” he said. “There is a danger that the skin nearby may get infected and die, and the bone could also get infected, which would mean it would need to be removed.”

So far there were no real concerns, other than potentially going blind in one eye, needing to get part of my facial skin removed, gaining weight on one side of my head, and needing parts of my skull to be cut out. As the Yiddish saying goes, I need that like a hole in the head.

“You could always use fillers,” he suggested as a final option. “Synthetic fillers?” “No,” he explained. “They would be collagen. It has to be organic material to attach to your cells, because the body rejects non-organic ones,” he explained. I pushed to find out where these fillers would come from. “Bovine collagen,” he admitted. In other words, I would have to have cow flesh injected into my face. I chewed the cud on his idea. There is a yoga pose called gormukhasana, ‘cow-face pose,’ but this is one stage too far. I thanked him for his time, and hoofed it out of the doctor’s office.

At least it was better than a Los Angeles orthodontist who suggested that a solution to a slightly receding gum was to graft the skin of human cadaver into my mouth. It made me feel dead inside.

Nearly everything has something about their body that they would like to change. There is a time and place for cosmetic surgery, but it isn’t for me, at least not now. The reward just isn’t worth the risk. Besides, there are now easy life hacks which allow you to experience all of the benefits with none of the potential problems, or even the costs.

Cosmetic changes are now easier than as artificial intelligence leaps forward. A model friend once gave me a tutorial in the old “Facetune” app that allows you to modify specific parts of your face or body, but that’s old news. TikTok’s controversial new “Bold Glamour” filter allows people to instantly look more attractive, and does it in real-time, in a way that is undetectable.

Instead of bovine collagen fillers and a real-life cow-face yoga pose, I’ve decided to follow a different path of yoga, and pursue the path of self-acceptance. It’s calm, free, and will be accompanied by a newly-grown frizzy Jewfro.

www.marcusjfreed.com and on social @marcusjfreed.