Can There Be a New Year’s Resolution for Unity in our Future?

We are witnessing record levels of partisanship. Most Trump voters believe there was election fraud, counting was stopped at crucial moments, judges were intimidated, regulations changed last-minute and the media biased — in short, that the election was stolen from them. Their anger, bitterness and disconnect will not be assuaged by rhetoric, even from the Democrats that are calling for unity.

Extending a call for unity is not enough for these millions. And their qualms are deeply emotional — ranging from outrage about the outcome to incensed at their vilification by others.

But in the New Year, there will be a new president. And the major question will be how people on opposite sides of the political spectrum can engage with each other and avoid another four years of intense polarization and acrimony. Fortunately, we each can take steps to build unity with partisans — even those who disagree about the election’s outcome — by changing our rhetoric. And the New Year is the perfect time to start.

The Right Communication Is Vital 

We are more likely to communicate successfully and unite if we understand the impact of our words on people, be they our loved ones or our opponents. We must know whether we are calm and centered and whether our words will trigger more anger and opposition or encourage calm and cooperation in the other. Words that cast blame and accusations (calling people “Nazis and racists”), words that mock (“You are just ignorant, uneducated and limited”) and words that want to intimidate (“We are keeping lists of who did…”) will stoke negative emotions. But friendliness or even an apology can go a long way to reopen a space for dialogue.

One way to know if you are approaching a tense conversation is to understand past experiences and communications. When too much bitterness has built up between opponents due to past unresolved conflicts, communication is compromised, and on-going arguments will only deepen inflexible positions. The possibility to resolve the conflict and reach some unity seems unreachable.

When people are already upset, it takes little to alienate them. Any criticism puts them on the defensive, convincing them that their critics are malevolent and ill-intended. Tone matters, too, and an arrogant, patronizing tone can be received as an intolerable show of superiority.

The Power of Words

How do we achieve the right communication? We must first recognize the impact of words, then match our intentions of unity to our rhetoric, thus creating a space for free discussion.

The purpose of dialogue is to turn opponents into friends, not to win a zero-sum game. The first step to communicating without vitriol is to exchange thoughts — not criticisms — and elucidate questions to understand the other’s needs and feelings better. These questions must be done without irony or a “got you” attitude; trying to prove the other wrong does not create trust or unity.

Try sentences such as, “We want to repair these past four years and hear what you have to say,” to open a conversation and go a long way towards unity. Then, to make the other person feel free to express themselves, try saying, “I would like to hear what you have to say, although I suspect we do not see things from the same place.”

If you want to communicate and convey your worldview to people who do not share it and may even oppose it, you can respectfully listen and broaden your perspective. When there is a clear disagreement, genuinely ask, “I am truly puzzled by your comment. It is so different from the way I see the situation. Would you mind elaborating on this issue and explain why you said that?” Go even more specific and inquire, “how would you resolve the problem of homelessness, poverty, etc.?”

To make the situation even more comfortable, you may want to talk about how you want the dialogue to take place, such as establishing, “I am interested in being able to understand each other’s points, without having to convince each other.” Or set one point of agreement as the starting point for the dialogue, such as “It seems to me what we want the same overall results, the wellbeing of people and the country, but we have different ways to get to it. I wonder if we can find common ground.” You can end the conversation on that same common ground by saying, “We want to work together. We want to accomplish the changes the country needs, but with your participation.”

You will be surprised by how far a simple change in rhetoric can go in creating a freer, more honest and healing discussionwhen you have the courage to take the first step. Open, respectful dialogue will help us modify the narrative we hold about “the other” and let go of all negative labels. Pejorative words and accusations of conspiracy theories for different opinions will stop all cooperation.  

You will be surprised by how far a simple change in rhetoric can go in creating a freer, more honest and healing discussion.

It may sound daunting, but it is possible to make this change of talking about political issues without blocking, unfriending, disrespecting or calling the other liars. Anyone who prizes themselves for being open-minded and caring about justice, truth and a compassionate society can and should be able to listen to opinions they disagree with.

Clearly, both halves of the country care tremendously for different sides of the American reality. But it’s time for the escalation to stop. The end of 2020 brings us an opportunity for a peaceful 2021. It falls on each of us to make an effort to restore free expression and respectful, albeit contentious, dialogue. Use 2021 to communicate, heal and respectfully share your opinions in a validating way. The future of the country depends on it.

Gina Ross, MFCT, is Founder/President of the International Trauma-Healing Institute USA and (ITI-Israel. Her latest book is “Breaking News! The Media and the Trauma Vortex: Understanding News Reporting, Journalists and Audiences.” You can reach her at Gina@GinaRoss.com