Dear Yenta,
This large husband of mine cannot shake the notion that the actual intercourse part of sex should be as long as possible. There’s so much emphasis in pop culture about men “lasting” and men who orgasm too soon being less of a man or something. I’ve told him many, many times that in general I actually prefer it to be shorter. After awhile, it just starts getting painful down there, and I’m usually sore for a couple hours afterwards if it goes more than say, 5 minutes. He listens and understands when I talk to him about it, and he’s a sensitive modern type of guy, but I can see how this might be burned into his brain by the media, as it is a very popular joke/gripe. Do you have any way I could assure him yes, it is possible that I truly don’t agree with the popular portrayal of women wanting intercourse to go on forever? Other ideas?
-Lady With a Problem
Dear LWAP,
We all want to go back to the womb. That is what life and sex and a whole lot of in-betweens come down to. It was toasty in there, full of love and free food and no worries. For a man, cradled inside your warm vagina, there might be a moment where it feels like he’s returned to the source.
One friend told me once about how her boyfriend, even after he comes, loves just hanging out in there. This makes complete sense to me, in fact, if I had a penis I would probably want it to constantly be resting or playing inside a vagina. But I don’t. Not everyone likes being their man’s nest. This moment of dwelling in the canal can feel like robbery, afterall it is not always about you, or sharing you, but instead about them nestling in some warm pseudo-mom-like zone.
My guess is, then, that your man is slightly affected by what you see as social expectation to last long, but probably moreso influenced by simply enjoying and wanting to be inside of you for as long as possible. Read “Ay AY AY He’s Huge!” for more on methods to increase your enjoyment, as well as possible STD’s or Vaginal infections that could be causing your pain.
That you don’t like housing his sword can mean a million things. The basic answer: simple, it hurts. But he could also be bad in bed, he could be insensitive, maybe you weren’t properly warmed up or prepared for entry. Perhaps you aren’t communicating enough in the throes of lovemaking. You might not actually like him, he could be an energy vampire, sucking your strength out your vag which is annoying for any woman and would be a good reason to want him to get out of there.
What it sounds like to me is that you and your lover need to start from scratch. I might even recommend stopping the sex altogether for a few weeks, and getting to know one another all over again. Re-acquaint yourself with this man, his spirit, and then his body and see if maybe your communication skills improve.
I only say this because it sounds like if sex causes you pain and him pleasure, there might need to be a new method of entry. Not a different pathway, but a different approach. He might need to learn to better bond with you, and you with him, so sex is a deep connection with no room for misinterpretation. It sounds like you are being pummeled, and you are sympathizing with him as if he were a teenaged boy needing to be de-socialized, when, I am assuming, he is a man.
My guess is that it will hurt less if you feel heard, turned on, soothed, and if your man respects that his pleasure causes you pain.
Get in touch with yourself by reading:
Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between) by Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss
and/or
How to Have an Orgasm…As Often As You Want by Rachel Swift
And send him to Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men: What Every Man Wants to Know About Making Love to a Woman and Never Asks for a sexual bootcamp.
Both of you could benefit from reading this article on mutual pleasuring from WhiteLotusEast.com.
For more on healthy happy sex, try listening to Susie Bright podcasts, or reading her blog and books.
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