Jan. 10, 2020
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January 8, 2020
Stop Spending the Jewish Holidays with Your Family
Family is central to the foundation of Jewish life, and no one should expect that every family member is perfect or that each interaction with them should bring you complete #Instagram worthy joy. As a Jewish mom on YouTube, I get asked a lot about how to celebrate Jewish holidays and how to make them enjoyable for our children. One question I got asked that really stuck with me is what to do if your extended family is creating a Jewish holiday experience that isn’t great for you? If year after year you’re sitting at the same Passover table participating in a Seder you loathe, or breaking round challah on Rosh Hashanah with relatives who are toxic, should your Jewish guilt keep you there?
Judaism is about maximizing the importance of the mishpachah and there’s really little room for minimizing the pull and influence of family in Jewish life. In the Jewish family, you can’t just throw those who don’t bring you joy out (sorry Marie Kondo!). However, if you are spending every Jewish holiday in the home of a relative (or friend) who doesn’t celebrate the way you would like to, it might be time to reevaluate things. Especially when you consider that for your young children this may be some of the first or only Jewish experiences they have, you have an obligation to make them positive.
We tend to fall into observance patterns, we always go to the same great Aunt’s house for one holiday and a grandmother’s for the other. They tend to host in the same way for the same people year after year. Most of the time this is a beautiful mitzvah and minhag. Having somewhere to go and people to share Jewish life with is vital.
If however these traditions are becoming stale or in any way toxic, for example if someone isn’t accepting of your partner or your lifestyle, or maybe they just don’t ever sing the prayers and this is the most moving and spiritual part of the experience for you – then it is your turn to host, and to create an experience in your home that serves your needs. If you know your kids would love putting on a play during the Seder to tell the Passover story, make sure you give them the chance to. If you love the silly songs of Hanukkah then throw a party and sing them loudly and proudly. Jewish life is too precious to be passive about.
I would be remiss not to mention that if someone is kind enough to invite you into their home to share in the simchah of a Jewish experience you should extend gratitude, kindness and a similar invitation back to them if you’re not going to attend. However, it’s also ok to ask them to come to your house instead. Tell them that you’ve always been wanting to have them over (maybe you have a new home or a new kid, or a new serving platter that you’ve been wanting to use?) there’s a way to do it with love.
There’s a Jewish value called ‘hachnasat orachim’, from the story of Abraham in the Torah we’re told that it is a mitzvah to welcome people into our homes. However, if you’re being welcomed into other homes year after year and it’s either emotionally toxic or just not fulfilling a spiritual or religious or joyous ideal then try something else out, at least one time. Create the day you want. There’s always room for another Hanukkah party and maybe this is really why there are two Seders!
Marion Haberman is a writer and content creator for her YouTube/MyJewishMommyLifechannel and Instagram @MyJewishMommyLife page where she shares her experience living a meaning-FULL Jewish family life. Haberman is currently writing a book on Judaism and pregnancy titled ‘Expecting Jewish!’ to be released Winter 2019. She is also a professional social media consultant and web and television writer for Discovery Channel, NOAA and NatGeoand has an MBA from Georgetown University.
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Ripple Effect: Attention
The holiday season has been crazy.
The Advot Project moved to a different office in the same building.
Work, family, parties, end-of-the-year fundraising.
And a crazy sprint to try and fulfill last New Year’s resolutions that I have, of course, neglected, well, all year. And so much more.
I found myself running around trying to be everywhere for everyone.
Trying to do everything, sometimes all at the same time.
I went to pick up something from a friend, had to put it in the garage and then run into the house to prepare for a holiday party at one of my kid’s friend’s house.
I ran into the bathroom. I had been holding my pee all day and, I’m sorry to share this information, but my phone fell into the toilet and I peed on it.
Not my finest moment. Definitely a sign that I need to slow down, pay attention, especially to what is in my pocket before I pull my pants down.
I work with broken, traumatized young adults who have been deprived of love, affection, and the security of a home.
I have learned more from these kids than from any school, workshop, or mentor in my life.
I have learned that change can happen, but it happens slowly.
I have learned that addiction can be conquered, but it takes time.
I have learned that you must pay attention.
I also know you must stop before you can go.
I am humbled again and again by the awareness of all the good in my life.
I want to go into the new year with more commitment to my resolutions. I want to pay attention (especially to where I put my phone!) and to the people I care about.
I hope to work harder on what I know to be true.
- My biological children will grow out of being teenagers and the beast that has occupied their existence will subside.
- Be good and spread good, because goodness travels far. It also loops around in the most unexpected ways.
- We don’t need to change the entire world, but we must make a difference in someone’s life.
- What I know more than anything is that making a difference is in the tiny, little mundane actions. It is not hard to do.
It simply requires us acting and paying attention.
In this New Year we will be going into new county lock up facilities.
I am excited about bringing my growing team behind the walls.
I remembered the holiday season a few years ago and shared my memory with them. It was something that happened in the girls’ detention center that I was working in.
Together with the probation officer, I filled the gym with an abundance of holiday decorations. When the girls walked in, they were shocked.
“How did you do that?” they asked.
“Aren’t you Jewish? Don’t you light a candle thing or something?” one asked.
“I light a menorah,” I tell them.
“I know that you all celebrate Christmas. I thought that this would be fun,” I add.
To be honest, I had the best time going to the dollar store and buying three massive bags of Christmas decorations. This Jewish girl got the bells, socks, reindeers… the whole nine yards.
Happiness and abundance for a little less than thirty bucks.
“Ms. why did you go and do this?” she asked me.
“Because I can,” I answered her.
“Damn, you care about us, don’t you?” she said.
“Yes, I care a lot.”
I remember sitting in the lock up facility.
It was a little bit chilly. All around us were the Christmas decorations.
It was very quiet. One of the girls started singing “Silent Night”.
Let me tell you, this dark, cold place became filled with joy and turned into a sacred place.
“I feel like I’m in church,” one girl said.
Another one said, “No, Stupid, you feel love.”
She was right. It wasn’t just me loving them. It was all around us.
It’s crazy.
A little attention.
A lot of affection.
And $28.50 at the dollar store can do so much.
So, I am now trying to STOP.
S – Slow down.
T – Take time.
O – Overview –of what, where, who needs what.
P – Pay attention.
PAY ATTENTION.
Look around to see what is missing. Be the person who does, who brings, who is.
Who knows? Someone might just be doing that for you.
I know, because it happens to me all the time.
Naomi Ackerman is a Mom, activist, writer, performer, and the founder and Executive Director of The Advot (ripple) Project a registered 501(c)3 that uses theatre and the arts to empower youth at risk to live their best life.
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